At times I’m suffocating…

My breathing has not got worse since the paramedics came, at least I don’t think so. But I just opened a package that had staples, got a drink, and came upstairs, and my chest felt like it needed to explode in order to let oxygen in.

It is two-three minutes of absolute inactivity, a gasping while no air actually gets in with the gasping. (When the paramedics were nebulising me, I realised I was exhaling with every inhalation. I watched the gas being blown out far more than I took it in.)

No one would have blamed me if I had calledfor paramedics on 999, as I did last time.

I am terrified of being taken to hospital though. I don’t want to be exposed to the bugs in hospital. And my neurological disease gets overlooked.

I am OK now. I could go down and get a drink and come back up, and only be slightly fast in my breathing with some wheezing. It was the fighting with the package that wiped me out.

It’s been chilly here, so last night I felt my bedroom was cold enough when I went to bed. I woke in the night for quite a while. I need my window open at night, no matter how chilly the air.

I don’t have Netflix at present, but I’ve seen photos of Emily Cronin. It really freaks me out and she is my double when I was aged 19/20. It is so uncanny. So startling. I really can’t believe the likeness.

I’m enjoying chatting with my daughter. She is ‘different’ now that she is single. The first 18 months with her boyfriend were ok, but then he totally became rude. I realised very quickly that he had not been taught manners. But it went far beyond that.

I’m just grateful for this time and my upcoming birthday with my daughter. I adore her.

I don’t know if this episode with my lungs is just another infection as I’ve had for the last 18 months, if it’s a winter thing, or deterioration.

I do know that I want to die and go to God. But I’ll miss my daughter.

Mike I thought you didn’t want meto die alone?

One more week of lockdown…

My daughter went back to work yesterday to set up the store in Oxford. She is enjoying her time there, despite this lockdown, and I enjoy sending little gifts. At the end of last week it was the aniversary of when she was elected to the school council, after she climbed on a desk and rapped her manifesto.

That’s my daughter. I am so proud, and love her so much.

I have spent the weekend wondering if I should start another course of antibiotics. I still feel better but I still wheeze after effort. I have a doctor appointment in a week.

I’m disappointed that Ireland lost a rugby match to Englandon Saturday. England’s Jonny May was quite a hero.

I hope people don’t go crazy when lockdown ends. There has been a tendency to be wreckless with other peoples’ health. I feel so sorry for Americans. 13million deaths because Trump ignores it.

I feel I had other things to write, but can’t recall now. Story of my life. I did see a wonderful photo of a puppy named Sprock. So very adorable. He’s getting on in years now.

Fighting For America

There has been blood in the streets

civil war in the suburbs

execution of our black friends

so we are fighting for America

There have been lies after lies, heresy

outside church, upside down Bible

deceit follows deceit, truth is lost

so we are fighting for America

The National Guard was called to war on citizens

guns ruled the streets, stand by

Proud Boys, a militia for POTUS

so we are fighting for America

Four years too much, no more, no more

lies, deceit, ego, suppression of truth

blaming others, no leadership,

so we are fighting for America

No lives matter until black lives matter

democracy dies with each bullet shot

four centuries must end now

so we are fighting for America

Published by Medium.com 17 11 2020

And repeat…

I am wondering if I need to start another course of antibiotics. Although I still feel well, finally, I am wheezing again.

I am still sleeping like all get out, but exertion causes me wheezing. I should have spoken to my doctor in the week, but was sleeping until 1pm or so. It’s hard to squeeze everything in the remaining hours.

I attended a poetry zoom meeting last night. It was very good, but then my internet dropped out and that was curtailed. No Abby G Poetree there uming and aring and always choosing the same people. No silent cutting out of someone who responds to unkindness.

I sleep well well at night, and then on to lunch time. Even when I have breakfast. Even if I answer the door. I sit down and sleep. I must say I like it. I love being relaxed.

I don’t know how long this will go on.

Feeling fully recovered…

I now feel fully recovered from my respiratory problems which needed such radical inventervention. I had a bad night sleepwise, but slept on and off all day and now feel on top of things. It’s been a while.

I am hungry for the first time in ages. I don’t feel I’m struggling to concentrate or do what I want to do.

My heart is lighter becausemy daughter is no longer with her boyfriend. He is her ex boyfriend. I knew he wasn’t right for her since i first saw him.

A mother knows these things. Of course I care about her feelings, but this is good.

I am grateful to those people from all over the world who visit my blog every day. I may not get many wordpressers anymore, but I’m amazed atmy global following.

Jamie Dedes, the poet…

Died the Friday before last. I have been upset, although I did not know her in person, we communicated enough for me to know that she was a generous, kind and beautiful person. A wonderful poet.

Here is just one of her poems. She was waiting for a heart and lung transplant, and she continued to be all the great qualities.

One Lifetime After Another

one day, you’ll see, i’ll come back to hobnob
with ravens, to fly with the crows at the moment
of apple blossoms and the scent of magnolia ~
look for me winging among the white geese
in their practical formation, migrating to be here,
to keep house for you by the river …

i’ll be home in time for the bees in their slow heavy
search for nectar, when the grass unfurls, nib tipped ~
you’ll sense me as soft and fresh as a rose,
as gentle as a breeze of butterfly wings . . .

i’ll return to honor daisies in the depths of innocence,
i’ll be the raindrops rising dew-like on your brow ~
you’ll see me sliding happy down a comely jacaranda,
as feral as the wind circling the crape myrtle, you’ll
find me waiting, a small gray dove in the dovecot,
loving you, one lifetime after another.

I finished the steroids…

This week has been quite strange. I had arranged to replace my boiler, and they arrived at 8am some days ago. I was still taking the steroids, whichis irrelevent.

They seemed to come in and out quite a bit. After five hours it was done and they left, leaving me the instructions.

When I went into the bathroom, I was a bit shocked at the mess they’d left. That evening, just after 11pm, I got a phone call from the police. I protested the time, and it was because a neighbour had noticed my front door had been open. Was I ok?

I replied that if a neighbour is concerned, they can come and enquire.

The next day I realised the small top windowin the bathroom was wide open. Too far open for me to reach. No wonder I had felt so cold! Eventually, a neighbour came and closed it.

I have continued to rest and sleep a lot.

I am much recovered. My cousin phoned today as she does every week.

I thought I had more to say, but now I can’t think of anything more.

I’m grateful to Susi Bocks for showcasing some of my poetry on her blog.

Chrissie Morris Brady

Thank you for posting this!

I Write Her

change enveloped me
two decades have passed
I am not that girl

~~

You miss my laugh
in this telephone call
I am morphed by care

~~

Seven bullets in his back
in plain view of his children
all because his skin is black

~~

I’m an idiot, forgive me
said the man I love
it was someone else who ran away

~~~

Chrissie lives on the south coast of England and is much traveled. She writes articles, essays, and poetry, and is published by many publishers as well as appearing in quite a number of anthologies. Her latest collection,  Caught By The Moon, is available from Amazon. You can read her other thoughts on her blog – Writer and psychologist. My health, a journey with two life threatening diseases

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Two steps forward, one back…

Yesterday, I made the effort to wash my hair. I needed the boost of nice hair after feeling so ill for so long.

Afterward, I was wheezing a bit and felt quite vulvnerable. I decided to just rest and relax, which helped a lot. I slept well after a while, and rested until lunch time.

I have finished the steroids too now. I feel better in my breathing for having taken them. I’ve never had the top of the world feeling I had after the first course I was given, but I think that coincided with Mike having walked away in the January. I felt empowered and in charge of me.

It’s two years now since he crashed into my bedroom. I really wish he had not, because I would still think of him as the boring man and would be nuturing my friendship with DW.

Today, I slept until almost noon and stayed in bed while my cleaner was here, for the first time ever. They offered to heat some of my homemade soup, but I find snacks and lots of fluids are all I want.

My window has not been closed for some days. It is so mild, and the cool nights help me sleep.

It was Abby G Poetree night a few days ago, and I didn’t miss it at all. I prefer the more democratic ones, where no one is favoured and congratulations are given appropriately, and where boyfriends don’t interfere on group pages.

I haven’t been out since I had the Thai Curry with my friend. That seems a while ago, but I don’t mind. I’ve been in the garden, and the rose in memory of my dog is in glorious bloom. A wonderful dusky lilac.

I hope to get back to normal soon. I will not rush. It will take 6 months to recover from the antibiotics. I hate this.

I always appreciate my cleaner, they do far more. They are a friend. My daughter is in lockdown in Oxford. We chatted today.

There’s a lovely book review on Amazon for my book. That is encouraging.

Sleeping a lot…

I am sleepinga great deal. I guess my body is doing what it needs to do. I open the window in my bedroom to cool the air and I sleep well. I don’t close it until noon or later, when I wake.

The letting agent for nextdoor cause problems at a neighbourhood not far away where my friend lives. How odd that is. I have not heard a good word about them any where.

I am drinking lots of fluids.