I cannot beg the sun to stay it is the earth that moves away The night will be as long as this day so sadness fills me as I have to greet the Fall my garden has still some blooms the shadows are long, the webs abound season of spiders, but butterflies still aflutter
I want slumber to take me until spring I don’t want the winter days, wind with chill Let sleep take me now, with dreams that are sweet unless there are days of sun to come
Part of my heart weeps September is upon me summer is dying, fruits are done Most blooms are finished a few brightly remain The shade is cool, but the warmth is there still, in the sun, but gentler Now I must start to wear more clothes cover my tanned skin and watch the nights draw in Today, though, I celebrate the sun This day, not yet Fall
This week started with a lot of social activity. Friends came here and I went places with others. For some reason, tiredness has overwhelmed me and the left side of my back. The pain there has overwhelmed me. I have been out and about but also resting a lot.
I think the change in temperature has also been a factor.
When I realised Mike had left me last year, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. There was a chicken roasting in the oven, and I had to ask a neighbour to come to take it out and take the meat off the bone. I was lying in bed. Curled up, debilitated. I was incapable of doing anything.
Such pain is like a physical blow or illness. We are rendered helpless to some degree or other. The next morning I was with the asthma nurse, and I wept throughout the appointment and for a lot longer. In the evening, I went to play for which I had bought a ticket some while earlier. I left after ten minutes, and vomited in the Ladies on the way out.
Emotional pain is very real. It can overcome us and we should not fight it. If we do, and I have, it can wreck who we are. It can alter us so that we lose self belief and confidence. All we can do is experience the pain, and let it end.
I have been to Israel twice. I have several favourite places. The first is Hamet Gader, some hot springs north of the Kinneret. A skin problem was cured there.
I love a garden we used in Tiberius, which had a gate opening directly onto the Sea of Galilee, or Kinneret. We literally stepped into the sea, and swam. There were fresh apricots to be picked from the trees.
The market streets in Jerusalem were bustling with activity and there were wonderful aromas from food being prepared. I grew to love filafels.
Jerusalem bus station became my favourite place, though it is changed now. Buy a cup of coffee, sit, and you can talk to hundreds of nationalities. The conversations I had there. I learnt so much.
Israeli men fascinated me. They were so diverse, but all loved children. The first time I flew home, I knew I wanted to be with a Jew.
About three, maybe four years ago, I phoned a friend who has lived in Italy for a long time. He said I don’t laugh as much anymore.
That took me right back to when I was 19, care free, loved and happy. He and I were close friends, we spent almost all our free time together. When he drove, I changed the gears. Sometimes he manipulated me, but I was too easy going to mind. His best friend, Steve was another very close friend. When he was home we were a trio.
That conversation on the phone made me feel the hardship I’ve been through. My marriage went from love and fun to fear, protecting my daughter, realising I kept money after I’d done the shopping until I had almost enough to get me and my daughter away. I asked for a divorce but he would not go. Then I could not bear that he had gone. I know now that I felt guilty, as if I owed him something. I owed him nothing.He was not even legally entitled to see my daughter. This is the first time I’ve said this publicly.
My next relationship was loving, but after time I realised he did not love my daughter. He injured his back badly. Caring for him was snared with guilt trips and his jealousy. He had been possessive from the beginning. I liked it, as I had eyes for no one else. But it became hard work. I asked him to leave.
I spent almosr a decade without a man in my life. I met Geoff fifteen years ago, but we’ve been mainly friends. There have been dates, but primarily I was a mother and worked hours to suit that.
Recently, my ex neighbour made sure I noticed him. I had thought him boring but kind. He certainly isn’t boring. I began to like him. And then in April last year, I fell in love with him.
I won’t tell the rest of that, it does him no favours. I have gone through every emotion since September last year. Today has been miserable because I love him still.