It’s been a difficult three days. I could not sleep on Monday night as I stayed up too late reading poetry. I was also happy that I had been published on Sunday. So I became what I term ‘buzzed’ – the adrenalin in my nervous system is overwhelming and causes me to be incapable of relaxing. I get painful tremors and a tightening in my back, where there is nerve damage and muscle damage to the left of my spine.
In the evening, this usually heralds a night of tossing and turning, perspiration from an inner heat caused by my nervous system in overdrive. If I try to increase my medication it simply works in reverse, increasing the tremors and muscle tension. I must simply ride it out. Fighting it doesn’t help. How can I fight it? Acceptance takes away the misery, the suffering, if not the pain.
I have used the awake time to exchange information on Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (Disorder) with a colleague in Australia. He is going to a symposium about it in Greece. He and I are both recovering from it ourselves. It is a distraction from pain to do this but the light from my laptop screen in a stimulant. I have it turned down, but it still affects me. I feel the distraction outweighs the negative effects. I would suffer if I had nothing else on which to concentrate. Why not write poetry at such times? I don’t, generally, because the voice of self-doubt that sits on my shoulder will be louder than normal and I will become entrenched in a self-defeating bout of low esteem and negativity which will feed my physical symptoms. Usually, I will sleep at some point in the day, whether from just around dawn until late morning or in the afternoon.
After a second night like this I was so happy to find I slept from 11.30 pm until 5am today, and then from elevenish until two. For some reason, I feel ‘buzzed’ now but am hoping it will recede and that I will sleep tonight.