Irony in life can be amusing or devastating. The irony of someone that one is looking for having passed through your town can be devastating. I love a man to whom I am no longer married. He loves me in his very strange way and has been staying in my home while my daughter has been in Corfu.
I say ‘staying’ loosely. He has slept here each night, but every day he has been gone for the majority of the day. Even when he went to Mass, he did not come back until 2.30pm. He rang me but getting no answer assumed I was asleep – I could have been collapsed somewhere. I had fallen asleep after he left, and had woken only briefly a few times. At 2pm I woke up feeling drugged and bleary from too much sleep. I sent a text, reminding him we were going to see my Dad and where was he? I got a reply saying he would be back in five minutes and must be ready. I responded that I needed to wake up. Drama followed as I was not ready when he arrived. We did eventually get to see my Dad, but I was so tired that I was totally exhausted very quickly.
He says he will only be my carer because he wants to and if that wanting to disappears, he won’t come. He will only want to while I don’t ask him to come more often and he will decide if he comes more often. My illness seems to have no bearing in his thinking. He can’t see it, except when I am visibly gasping for air. That I never chose to be a single mother and raise our daughter alone seems to be lost on him. That I was ‘on duty’ 24/7 for 14 years until my daughter could be left alone in the house for some hours while I went out to meet friends for drinks has not entered his thinking. I never chose to bring her up on my own and I’ve never resented her for it. I have at times felt huge resentment to him,however. (No he didn’t leave me, I asked him to go when I realised we could not be parents together.)
I have never thought he would jump at the chance to be my carer. Someone else asked him and his response was positive. I did think he would do what was necessary. He comes from a caring profession. I though he would realise I need someone around, not all the time, but at consistent times. I never imagined he would try to make my needs fit around his wants. I thought there would be more understanding. Apart from leaving me alone far more than I am when my daughter is home, she is on her gap year and working in a fashion store, he expects me to eat dinner by 5.30 because he fasts for eight hours between dinner and breakfast. I normally eat around seven or later, so I need to eat again later so that I don’t get hungry in the night. He wants me to do things that are too much for me and when I explain, he then won’t do them for a long time, to make a point.
So the irony is that I thought I would have more company than when my daughter is here, more chores would get done and I would be less tired than normal. The reverse is true. I am not ungrateful, it’s just not at all what I expected. I thought he would not take on all day commitments. I have no idea where he is now.
I am finding it harder to write my blog or anything, as I misspell, can’t think of the word I want, or repeat syllables or miss out words. This troubles me. I have always loved to write.