This Odyssey at start of 2017

This year started with antibiotics. My breathing was so noisy and my lungs so empty that it was thought another course of antibiotics would help.

The effect on me whilst taking them was not pleasant – I had cold sweats, nausea, my body burned with fever, but most of this had been going on anyway. The dystonia means my body can’t regulate its temperature at the best of times.  Worst of all, I felt ‘ratty’ and fractious, and I really hate that.

I craved omelettes, and my (ex) husband makes them just how I like them, so that made me feel loved. And brioche has become my main food – it is soft, vaguely sweet and filling. It helps me get to sleep.

I started the year being able to fall asleep around 10pm -11pm and sleep until morning, but gradually it shifted and now I can’t sleep at night and sleep through the day, which I also hate. It will gradually right itself again. I get to watch the moon in its phases, which is awesome over the harbour and I’m watching series 12 of Grey’s Anatomy over again. And will do again.

I’m in a state of ennui. I do things by accident rather than purpose, and I’m not comfortable in this mentality. I’m reckoning if I can weather it, it will pass. I want to order more of my affairs so that things are easier when I die. Both in my personal life and in my writing life. (There is little distinction to me.)

I’m grateful for a deepening relationship with my daughter. I adore her. She is wonderful. Awesome. And for the love of my omelette maker.

So, my breathing is quiet again, and I don’t get the ’empty lung’ as often. It was six months since the previous antibiotics, so how long until the next?

By Chrisssie Morris Brady

I've read poetry since I was nine and have written creatively since I was fourteen (probably long before that). After writing book reviews and social comment, I decided I wanted to write poetry. I have no formal training, but I surround myself with poets and their writing. I am honing my craft.
I have two published collections which I don't feel good about, but have been published by and other publications. I live on the south coast of England with my daughter. I am seriously ill.

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