End of Year…

It’s a while since I wrote about my health… I do procrastinate because of the honesty it takes. I’m so used to hiding with smiles and the way I use words.

I lasted for about three and a half hours on Christmas Day. Otherwise known to some as my birthday. I watched Love Actually in the morning, in bed, with my daughter, after she had given me my birthday presents. Then I dressed and we had a great Christmas dinner with Michael, which he had cooked. I was full so quickly, and the few sips of cherry brandy had made me warm.

We started opening Christmas presents and chatting. After a while I felt so hot and so full that I couldn’t bear to be upright. Michael had to help me get into a summer nightshirt, and I lay on my bed. I felt defeated and tried to focus on what had been good; eating together, sharing gifts, chatting. The birthday wishes. The time alone with my daughter which is becoming less frequent these days. I will always cherish that and I am grateful, whatever else the day brought.

Now I need a day’s recovery after a hairdresser’s appointment, after going out for a meal or afternoon tea with a friend. If I am recovering from some exertion and I’m not fully recouped when a date with a friend has been arranged, I am sometimes not even well enough to have them visit me at home. This is especially hard for me. When we are limited to my home, my friends make the tea or coffee as I spill and find it painful and unsafe to handle boiling water.

My breathing seems to be in a new phase. I now don’t often feel as though my lungs are empty. I just breathe very shallowly. I don’t often lie on my back, I sleep on my side or stomach. But sleep is rare, and most often comes in the morning after a night of tossing and turning. This is difficult. It means I miss a lot of daylight, and messes my body clock even more. So I’ve arranged to speak to the doctor.  I want to find out if having oxygen will help me, if my lungs can absorb it, and what it is that causes me to feel such dreadful heat inside my body. If I could be free of that, my quality of life would improve a lot.

So here I am, my honesty is at full tilt, and this is the only place it is. I don’t think I could get through life if all this were at the fore of my consciousness. I don’t deceive myself, I just don’t think about it. I would go a bit crazy if I did, I think. Mind you, my self preservation does work. I take far fewer risks than ever before. I guard my body as well as I can.

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For My Goddaughter

Published by  Anti-Heroin Chic

perhaps you must be a butterfly,
knowing darkness before your
flight.
the damp unfurling of your wings,
in the warm light of a new dawn.

we thought you were flying,
no one saw this coming.

you will be stronger for the wait,
brighter through the flame you thought might
burn.
no one can singe you now, what might have
dimmed you makes you shine.

no one saw it coming,
you have wisdom now

gained through pain and searing, not a moth
drawn to every light form with no
guide.
most glorious of colors in flight,
you gaze at you with newborn awe.

no one saw this coming,
that you fly higher than before