P.S.

On self harm, I’ve only told a handful of people. Once I sent a photo of blood running from me. I am sincerely sorry for that and apologised to the recipient. I have never disclosed to a mental health clinician. Personally, I find a lot of interventions artificial. They are paid to ‘fix’ me. All I want is to love and be loved. But loving would be sufficient.

And oops! on this odyssey

So, I am less recovered than I thought. I went into town to return an item I had bought online, but the refund they’ve given me is only of use in store, so they made a mistake and I’ve spent ages online trying to make up my mind for nothing. (The receipt was lost.) I feel a bit angry, and it’s partly because I was served by a former friend who dumped me after a sexual assault which left me physically injured as well as emotionally. I was even more hurt after she dumped me.

Now I am doing a counselling session by text, and my chest is really hurting. I just want to sleep. No, I want to run along side the sea and leap, and dance but I’m wheezing and my chest hurts. I don’t want to be counselling by text and I don’t want to be wheezing and in pain. But here I am, and all I can change is my attitude.

A friend has whatsapped me from the States, asking if I have a nebuliser. I have missed two appointments with a respiratory consultant because of my health problems. The irony! It reminded me to phone his secretary to grovel and ask for another appointment. So that is done. I’ve accomplished something today.

Someone told me recently that I was lying about something. I know that I wasn’t lying which means that this person was gaslighting me. Making me doubt myself. My sanity. My ex husband used to do this, he would tell me that a thing that happened had never happened. He used to undermine me long before I realised he was undermining me. Friends had to point it out to me. And that was the deal breaker in the end. Not the occasional violence. But that he never ‘cleaved’ to me. He would do the opposite of what I had made routine with our daughter. He made chaos where I had tried so hard to make safety and security.

And now I am exhausted.