I’m tired…

This a photo of Highway 1, leaving Santa Monica behind and heading north. I’ve driven it twice, once to meet a friend in Las Olivas, and once on a road trip with a different friend heading towards Monterey and camping on the the way.

This drive exhilarated me in such a deep way. The beauty of the mountains and the vast ocean below. It recharged me in a way I can’t explain. The beauty and my love of driving fed my soul. It invigorated my spirit. I felt alive as if the Holy Spirit was flowing through me with joy and vitality.

Just now, I feel weary. I feel too many jobs need doing that I can’t do. I’m struggling to keep my head above water. My breathing is good, my life is fulfilled, but I am without domestic help as I got used to. I was supposed to go to Swanage today to catch up with a friend, but I fell asleep soon after waking up…

Tonight I am going to a local poetry group and have been invited to read at Purbeck Folk Festival.

Life is good…

A weekend has gone by since my last blog post. I spent Saturday wandering the High St which had a festive feel with music playing and some stalls looking for volunteers. I chatted with a young woman who represented a local environmental movement and discovered I already do what they do. I guess they just need more people doing it. If only more people took care of the environment.

Yesterday I spent time resting and eating. The weather was grey and windy which kind of affected me, but then I realised I was tired after I slept for 3 hours.

My breathing has been really good. I feel well, I feel good. My doctor prescribed a medicine which they mostly use with children with Asthma, and has had good results with adults too. It seems to be working for me. I’m thankful for my doctor because he has been proactive. Our children were at school together so I’ve known him a while. I thought it might be awkward having him as my GP but it hasn’t been at all.

I’ve been helping my friend plant her garden and we have laughed a lot. I like to feel useful.

Trust Issues…

I am realising how difficult I find it to trust people these days. Especially since my sister died of sepsis last October and my dog a week later.

My neighbour proved to be completely untrustworthy. A friend who is a vicar felt it was his place to tell me my sister had died and while I was sitting with her body kept texting me persistently. I finally snapped and told him if he kept on texting me I would call the police. He completely ejected me from his life after 20 years of friendship. His secretary who had also been my friend for many, many years blocked me out because the vicar had.

Now a friend has blocked me because I asked for payment in kind for some counselling for his girlfriend. I spent years learning so that I could be a Dr of Psychology and my friends get £££ of advice free but this was a planned session and I asked for payment in kind. He went mad at me, broke a commitment, and won’t speak to me. Ironically, I paid him to help me with my garden and I know more about gardening than he does, but he works as a gardener.

My wondrous cleaner who was so much more than a cleaner, has realised what a mess her life is in and has quit all her jobs. I can’t blame her at all, she is the daughter of an alcoholic, but I’ve had a long list of unreliable cleaners.

People have made promises to me and not kept them. I don’t know who to trust.

I am still grateful. I have so much to be grateful for.