When everything sucks…

• 

I feel very, very sad and hopeless today. In truth, the feeling has been growing for some days. I haven’t wanted to go out and today I sat inside while friends finished putting up fairy lights in my garden.

When I was younger and felt so low, I believed things would get better. And they did. I was able to make changes to my life.

With my health as it is, there aren’t many things I can change, apart from my attitude. And right now that seems a monumental thing to do. I have confessed how low I am to a friend, which is something I guess.

I need shopping but haven’t had the mental energy to go get it. I’ve gone to bed early because I want the security of my duvet around me. I don’t want to wake up in the morning.

Yes, I am missing my car. I miss the sponteneity of going somewhere that it gave me. The bus station sometimes scares me with all the crowds and noise.

I should be glad that I received an email telling me another of my poems has been published. I simply feel relieved that I don’t need to look for another publisher.

It might have started when I asked a friend if she would like to meet up and her reply was curt because, I found out later, she had an emergency. She can’t think of anything I can do to help. I’ve just set myself up for more rejection by asking another friend to meet up.

You see, my two best friends died of cancer. I am friendly with everyone but I need to ‘click’ with someone before I feel there is a true friendship. And those people are usually far away, I discover after having met them at some event.

I am missing my dog so much, it is inexpressible. I realise how much time we spent together, how much I talked to him and I miss his utter devotion.

The loss of my sister last Fall is still huge, and I long for Dad. I feel so alone, even when I’m with people.