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When everything sucks…

I feel very, very sad and hopeless today. In truth, the feeling has been growing for some days. I haven’t wanted to go out and today I sat inside while friends finished putting up fairy lights in my garden.

When I was younger and felt so low, I believed things would get better. And they did. I was able to make changes to my life.

With my health as it is, there aren’t many things I can change, apart from my attitude. And right now that seems a monumental thing to do. I have confessed how low I am to a friend, which is something I guess.

I need shopping but haven’t had the mental energy to go get it. I’ve gone to bed early because I want the security of my duvet around me. I don’t want to wake up in the morning.

Yes, I am missing my car. I miss the sponteneity of going somewhere that it gave me. The bus station sometimes scares me with all the crowds and noise.

I should be glad that I received an email telling me another of my poems has been published. I simply feel relieved that I don’t need to look for another publisher.

It might have started when I asked a friend if she would like to meet up and her reply was curt because, I found out later, she had an emergency. She can’t think of anything I can do to help. I’ve just set myself up for more rejection by asking another friend to meet up.

You see, my two best friends died of cancer. I am friendly with everyone but I need to ‘click’ with someone before I feel there is a true friendship. And those people are usually far away, I discover after having met them at some event.

I am missing my dog so much, it is inexpressible. I realise how much time we spent together, how much I talked to him and I miss his utter devotion.

The loss of my sister last Fall is still huge, and I long for Dad. I feel so alone, even when I’m with people.

By Chrisssie Morris Brady

I've read poetry since I was nine and have written creatively since I was fourteen (probably long before that). After writing book reviews and social comment, I decided I wanted to write poetry. I have no formal training, but I surround myself with poets and their writing. I am honing my craft.
I have two published collections which I don't feel good about, but have been published by madswirl.com and other publications. I live on the south coast of England with my daughter. I am seriously ill.

8 replies on “When everything sucks…”

Such a lot. I am sorry to hear of everyone and everything you have lost.
Congratulations on getting your poem publisher. Even if it is just the relief of not having to find another publisher, that’s energy you don’t need to expend.
Best wishes,

Liked by 1 person

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