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Thoughts…

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves.

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One day at a time…

This morning I was woken by the sound of my doctor rapping on my door. I had taken ages to get to sleep last night so my mind and body were tired.

I went downstairs and he checked the rash on my face. It is a fungal infection. At first I felt disgust, but he says he sees them two or three times a week. Later, my friend from down the road told me she used to get them on her arm, and once had a fungus removed from her ear inner ear.

So I have a prescription of ointment to treat that. My doctor cannot know whether it was triggered by my ‘magic’ pill or not. I feel it was as I’ve never had a skin complaint before. Then my doctor asked how I was mentally and physically. I had to say I had better days before today, and since I spoke to him on the phone but that I feel as though I have ants crawling over my skin. My mood has swung around a bit but I feel less depressed, although I’ve had agoraphobia and claustrophobia, feelings of panic when I’ve been out.

I asked if it was possible to take the tablet again when I feel better, but stop after a couple of months and start again after another period of time. He got what meant and said that when I feel better in a couple of months (a couple of months!!) I can start on a lower dose and there’s not a lot of me.

I feel very happy that there is a lower dose but not so happy that it might take a couple of months to feel better.

I shall just take each day as it comes and greet it with optimism. I will not be dictated to by a prognosis. I never have been before.