Feeling so blah…

I’ve been feeling so unhappy since the autumn arrived with colder temperatures and so much rain. I really enjoyed what I wore during the summer and felt good inside. I liked me.

Since the weather changed I’ve felt so ordinary and with the grinding away at my health of the wind chimes, I’ve begun to feel unhappy. Of course, having a man you thought you loved walk out because he jumped to conclusions doesn’t help, but I’ve seen how incredibly selfish he is and what a drink he is.

On the night of the equinox, I had a wonderful dream: my garden was full of birds again and flowers and trees were growing every where. I was feeling full of anticipation. I have wondered where this dream had come from. Certainly, I had not been full of hope as I had just been disappointed. My laptop had been broken by Ebsworth, and the wind chime is still tinkling away, grating on my brain and nervous system.

Nothing was different, the dream came from somewhere in my subconscious. I am an optimist deep down, even when I lie staring at the wall filled with grief and depression for all the family I’ve lost in the last two and a half years, my dog, my friends. All the friends that I got on with most of all, that ‘click’ when you fit together, have died. I can’t express my loss. I feel it deeply.

I’ve been told my last blog post was angry. I wrote it in a particular tone because I know someone reads my blog and I wanted to be clear. I am rarely angry. Although I have to admit that the wind chimes cause me irritation like few things ever have. Pain has that effect. I am in pain all the time, those wind chimes just don’t quit.

My left arm and leg are filled with pain. My leg at times will not bear my weight so walking becomes a stumble. I have lost some weight because of the spasms, so I’m trying to eat a lot of carbohydrates.

Thankfully, I sleep well most nights. I’m so grateful for this. It’s much needed respite.