It’s cold again…

Today has been a better day. A friend I see maybe four times a year messaged me to see how I was doing with the self isolation. I was really appreciative as our last messaging was slightly tense. I told her my appreciation,,

Tomorrow I will visit my friends who had their baby a week ago. I am looking forward to this. babies always bring joy. My poor friend started a slow labour on the Friday, but her waters did not break until the Monday morning. She was already exhausted but fortunately had an active labour of only four hours.

I took a while to get to sleep last night but then slept well. I had opened my window earlier. The fresh, sea air is good for sleep.

Today was cooler, which spoilt my plans. I had asked my cleaner to plant the plants that have been sitting on my patio for quite a while. I went to release some ladybirds and saw that some remained unplanted. I was breathless so came in to rest and went back to plant them and water them in.

My garden is full of spring. There are flower buds on my greengage tree, and my birch and fig tree have leaf buds. I saw that finally one of my bird feeders is almost empty so I shall fill it tomorrow. This brings me so much joy.

It is wonderful to be in my garden without the horrible noise of the windchimes. I had almost forgotten what peace is.

My planned poetry events are cancelled due to the corona virus. It’s a relief, as I won’t have the dilemma of deciding whether to go or not.

I do want to see my godmother. I have friends I’d like to see.

Have any of you got to self-isolate? I’d love to hear how you are coping with it.

I am now depressed and somewhat angry…

My fatigue and muscle ache after the tests at the hospital have morphed into a depression. The longer I felt unable to go out, the more I became afraid to go out. I missed a poetry event which is a really bad sign. I haven’t got dressed for two weeks.

My wrote to the council to ask what behaviour of mine has caused my neighbours to blame me for their move.

I am told I have reported their everyday business to agencies and named them in my blog.

Firstly, I have not reported their everyday business to anyone and secondly I do not give my address in my blog or even the town where I live.

If their name appears anywhere, no one can identify them and further no one is interested in them.

I am angry because ‘reporting their everyday business to agencies’ is libel. I am tired of libel against me,

Because I’m an at risk group with Corvid19, I am beginning to feel isolated and lonely. I do like my own company but there is a limit before isolation takes hold.

My cleaner came today. He works so hard and is loyal. I asked him to plant my plants and tomorrow I will water with liquid seaweed.

Today has been our warmest day so far. I turned my timed heating off. It will stay off unless we get another cold spell.

The pain in my hip has gone again, thanks to meditation. I see my meditation on pain as prayer.

I have forgotten to mention that the pain I used to get in my shoulder and arm have gone.

Bizarre things happen…

Today I got the most bizarre email. It told me that my neighbours who rent next-door have moved out and that when new people move in, I am to have no contact with them whatsoever.

The couple apparently told Quay Living that my behaviour is the reason they have left. This is an outright lie. I have not ‘behaved’ in any way toward them. It’s their behaviour that got them into trouble.

Whilst I am thrilled that they have gone, I am any angry that this libel has been committed against me. How dare they?

Not much else to report. My hip has been painful. At times my leg won’t bear my weight. I need to meditate.

I have frog spawn in my pond. I hope there will be frogs. I’ve never seen the toad again.

No image today, I’m too tired…

Yesterday I slept a great deal. I finally have no ache around my diaphragm area.

The weather is not great, so I haven’t been out and my plants need planting still. I feel a bit lazy, but feel tired.

Covid19 is my town. It feels strange to know there’s something out there that you can’t see. No idea who may be infected. I now make sure not to touch anyone and wash my hands a lot. I need to remember to clean my phone too.

I don’t know why I am so tired. I have slept badly for a while. I guess that’s why.

I haven’t much else to say. I write and try to eat and then I go to sleep.

Still feeling the effects…

Today my friend down the road took my overnight sleep tests back to the hospital for me. She was later than she had said because she had loaded her washer as it was such a glorious day she wanted to get her laundry out to dry.

Her text came just after I had given up waiting and gone back to bed. I am still weary!!!

My upper tummy muscles and diaphragm area still ache! It sometimes causes me to think I’m hungry. I don’t recall feeling this before, and I did do tummy crunches at one time and lifting my legs in the air (take note, Jim. My core is puny, but not that puny)!

My daughter sent me a text telling me she wants me to admit I need her help. I know, I thought that too. I fell back to sleep for an hour and then replied with what she wanted to here. Yes, I thought so as well.

She arrived here just around 4.20 pm and asked where the test was to take to the hospital. I replied that as she had withdrawn her offer to take it early this morning, my friend had taken it. (Plus, my daughter doesn’t tell me times that she’ll come.)

She sat and I was complimenting her hair when she started an argument. I was very aware that my cleaner was here. So I asked if she would go to the nearby convenience store to get a pint of milk. She came back and put it in the fridge and left.

My cleaner brought me a cup of tea, and his face was dark with anger. I apologised that my daughter had behaved like that.

Now I have a glut of toilet tissue. My daughter dropped some in on Sunday and my cleaner brought some. I ordered a bulk buy online and now will be supplying the residents of my road. They are rationed now because of the Covid19. There are two cases in my wider area. It does make me nervous about using the buses.

I don’t mind dying, I just don’t want to be ill.

My friends’ baby was born at 11.54 am 9 March. I’m so pleased for them. A girl, Willow.

I went to sleep easily, around 10.30 and woke at 11.30. I had hoped it was early morning.

I have started a further declutter. Less is more. And I realised I had badly neglected my houseplants. I am trying to nurse them back to health.

Recovered but disappointed…

I am no longer exhausted from the respiratory tests I had done. I do feel like I did 100 tummy crunches though. There’s a mild ache in my diaphragm area.

I’ve been supporting some friends of mine who are about to have a baby. She started labour on Friday evening, and progression has been painfully slow. She is exhausted from contractions which are very mild and too far apart. They have visited the Maternity Unit daily since Friday to get pain relief but it doesn’t last for long. I am hoping she will be induced tomorrow, otherwise she will be too exhausted for labour.

My daughter crept into my house this morning and left toilet tissue on the landing. I was so disappointed that she hadn’t let me know she was here as the sleep breathing test I did needs to be returned before 5pm tomorrow. I messaged her and she said she would pick it up. Except she didn’t.

I have had to ask a friend to take it for me. I am devastated. I cannot rely on my own daughter.

I cannot describe how I feel.

Sleeping a lot and the panic buying…

Thankfully, I slept well last night so the appliance on my finger didn’t bother me.

Today I have slept a lot. I woke feeling refreshed but soon realised I was exhausted. So I have slept a lot and rested.

Friends of mine are expecting a baby and she is in very early labour. I had hoped to see them, but she is exhausted and so am I.

I am not feeling so vulnerable now. I guess the physical exhaustion and the verbal stimuli I went through stripped back some of my resilience.

Life is hard sometimes, and we must accept it. We just need to sustain ourselves during the difficult times. It’s part of being alive.

No one ever said life would be easy.

A hospital appointment that exhausted me and still no help…

This morning I went to the respiratory clinic to have tests done to find out how my ineffecient my lungs are and what gases are left in my blood.

The technician was so sweet. She warned me I would get tired and I should say when I had enough.

The first thing was to take blood from my ear. Yes. My ear. This is done by warming the ear with hot water, so scientific, and getting enough blood onto a card in a machine within a minute. After a minute the machine resets and they have to start again.

So, both my ears donated blood, the second after a third technician came to help (a trainee was there). By the time they were done I was claustrophobic and over-stimulated by the lights and discussion. I was so aware of my introvert preference.

Then I had to breathe into a tube. Normal breathes, big breathes out. It was exhausting. Then I was taken to a bigger room and did more forced breaths into a different machine.

My arms were tingling, and I wanted to cry.

I’ve been given a contraption to wear on my finger and wrist to wear tonight and tomorrow night. I have to return it on Sunday or Monday and I so don’t want to.

I got some shopping and there was no toilet tissue in the town centre. Panic buying due to Corovid19.

I want to sit on my Dad’s lap. I want Mike as he was during our relationship when he lived next door. I want his hug and conversation.

I had got home when my daughter sent a text accusing me of something I don’t know how to do.

I’ve been wishing she wasn’t born because I think there’s a good chance I might be still married to the man I married. My daughter highlighted our differences. He undermined me, gaslighted me as a mother.

But this is my life and I must accept it.

I’ve been writing on medium.com but realise that the 12-20people who made it a metred pay wall are those who benefit the most.

My royalties were disappointing, but not to be sneezed at.

I am so weary. I could weep.

Some sleep…

I finally got sleep. I admit that I drank some wine with my dinner which helped but it was good sleep. I feel better for it.

The storm is gone and this morning I heard birds singing in my garden for the first time in nine months. I also heard the wind chimes nextdoor. I hear them all the time.

Today I acquired an acupressure pen. You touch it to areas where you get pain. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I have to say that my pain is much less since I started meditating on it.

Yes, we had our fourth storm in a row. Everywhere is underwater. The wind was growling around my cottage. I still need to plant my plants.

There is still no building going on opposite. My complaint is at it’s second stage.