Yesterday I got very tired. I finished planting my hanging baskets which was more work than I expected. My washing machine has gone wrong and a load was soaking wet but not washed.
After watering the garden and making dinner, I felt really tired. I watched some TV and slept.
This morning I made myself a cup of coffee for the first time since my first pregnancy. I went off the taste completely until recently when a friend made some. They then gifted me a pack of the brand they use.
I make it with a reusable filter. It takes me back to when my Dad would make coffee on a Saturday morning. It feels like home.
Today has been quiet. I’ve had two naps. I’ve read and hand washed my laundry. My mobile phone woke me but it always fits into my dreams as my ringtone is a Coldplay song. I did some admin.
Apart from the radio, all I’ve heard are birds singing. It’s been lovely.
Yesterday, my specialist phoned me and after discussing my breathing he talked to me about his distress at having to admit Covid-19 patients to ICU everyday for weeks. I could tell it had affected him. One would have to be a monster if it didn’t.
WordPress has altered and I can’t add a meme as easily as before. I need to talk to Jim…
So Friday night brought rain and also strongly gusting wind. Fortunately, the rake, mop, and other garden tool handle proved strong enough to keep my tomato plants upright. This was a huge relief.
I have trimmed away foliage that added weight to the plants and side shoots with no blossom. This also exposes the fruit to more sunlight to ripen. They are are small variety, I can experiment with others next season if I wish. Since I want to use them primarily in salad type meals, the size is almost irrelevant. The flavour is my goal.
I had a visitor to my garden on Thursday evening. My water butts were knocked over. They were caught on my security camera.
There is a community website that I have stopped using because other people who have misbehaved on it are causing trouble and using my blog as a source of information to make false allegations. The admin are aware, and monitoring.
On Friday night I slept within minutes of going to bed. Last night I was tired, but took a while to sleep. The left side of my pack hurt and it took a while to find comfort.
My hair salon contacted me today – I have an appointment in three weeks. I am looking forward to it. I won’t know my self, as my hair is ‘long’ and I make gaps for my eyes.
I emptied my dehumidifier. Half a litre. I put it on the garden. Manufacturing water. It’s our most precious commodity.
Most people are familiar with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), an anxiety disorder that results from a traumatic event, such as a natural disaster or car accident. But, there’s a closely related condition called complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) is becoming more widely recognized by doctors in recent years.
CPTSD results from repeated trauma over months or years, rather than a single event.
What Are the Symptoms of CPTSD?
The symptoms of CPTSD usually include those of PTSD, plus an additional set of symptoms. Oh how fun. We get additional symptoms!
Here are just a few symptoms of CPTSD, that I’ve experienced myself at times:
1. Reliving the traumatic experience
This can include having nightmares or emotional flashbacks. I have these.
2. Avoiding certain situations
You might avoid situations or activities, such as large crowds or driving, that remind you of the traumatic event. This also includes keeping yourself preoccupied to avoid thinking about the event. I definitely avoid crowds a lot and also even driving has been a trigger for me.
3. Hyperarousal
Hyperarousal refers to constantly being on-alert or jittery. For example, you might have a hard time sleeping or concentrating. You might also be unusually startled by loud or unexpected noises. I also call it hypervigilance. I have this symptom often. Even yesterday when babies were crying next to me at the bank, I felt extremely startled and it affected me.
4. Somatic symptoms
These refer to physical symptoms that don’t have any underlying medical cause. For example, when something reminds you of the traumatic event, you might feel dizzy or nauseated.
These are definitely not ALL the C-PTSD symptoms, but just four of them. I know without a doubt I suffer from these. Not always, but sometimes — which is also why this diagnosis can be complex. It’s important to know that symptoms of both PTSD and C-PTSD can vary widely between people, and even within one person over time. (Another complex thing!)
Sometimes people with CPTS are irrational too. Their thoughts and beliefs might not always match up with their emotions. They might know that, logically, they should avoid their abuser. However, they might also hold onto a sense of affection toward them.
What Causes C-PTSD?
Researchers are still trying to figure out exactly how traumatic stress affects the brain and leads to conditions like CPTSD. However, studies on animals suggest that trauma can have lasting effects on the amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex.
pixabay.com
These areas play a big role in both our memory function and how we respond to stressful situations.
Any type of long-term trauma, over several months or years, can lead to CPTSD.
However, it seems to appear frequently in people who’ve been abused by someone who was supposed to be their caregiver or protector.
My ex husband was a Vietnam vet (he himself had PTSD ). He stalked and threatened to kill me for many months before leaving me in a foreign country , South Africa, where I was singing in a show. This happened in 1996 but is still traumatizing to think about. He took all our money out of our joint bank account and left me penniless with no way to get home, to the U.S.
OH DING DING! So, THIS (according to my therapist) is considered a long-term trauma! Hence C-PTSD.
Even though in many war veterans (and in the fictional Jack Ryans case), they experienced physical trauma, emotional trauma is also a legitimate and real cause of C-PTSD.
Yes, this is a complex medical condition but I believe that the more we talk about it and bring it out of the shadows, the sooner we can come up with better solutions. I’m glad that trauma related disorders are finally getting the attention they deserve and that scientists are spending more time on researching them.
Maybe someday these trauma issues won’t be nearly as complex to understand. That’s my hope.
Today has been very hot, hovering around 29-30C. Here it gets muggy at that temperature. When I lived in California it would get to 35 C and I didn’t feel it as it was such a dry heat. My hair would bleach and when I was not formal for work, my tops and skirts/shorts would give me a tan without ever trying. just walking from place to place or to my car would be enough.
I have been lied about to a website. I have my suspicions. I’m not saying anything more.
I rested on waking this morning. I knew it would be hot so I made the most of the coolness. I have worked and found it too hot, even with my ceiling fan. My dehumidifier is filling up.
My county was put into an emergency status as beaches further west were closed and to the east people crowded onto the beaches. Most of the south of England was in gridlock with traffic.
There are no amenities for these people, no campsites, hotels or public restrooms. The police cannot cope. We fear they are bringing Covid19 with them, as our stats for that went up last time.
My daughter came with shopping and did some stuff I find heavy. Then I took a longed for shower, and now feel fresh and fragrant again.
It’s a glorious evening. I love evenings.
My hip does continue to give way at times. For the most part it doesn’t hurt. When I gives way, the sensation is very uncomfortable but not exactly pain. I can’t see my doctor at present and I may not bother to mention it as the most likely remedy is not possible for me.
My borage is thriving. I want to have Pimm’s with someone so I can add some.
The strawberries are cropping again and the tomatoes are ripening.
So much to be joyful about and I’m grateful. My lemon tree is showing early fruit, but I’m not expecting any this year.
No image today as wordpress has confounded me again. I hope you take a look at the memes I post. Some are really wise and others are fun.
I’ve just changed my broadband supplier. I will save heaps of money. This companies just sneak it up on you. I also changed my utilities, again it will be cheaper.
Today has been hot. I had my windows open and my fan on at times. I’ve been busy all day. I went out to cool and feel the breeze before dinner. I didn’t get far as I met two ladies who wanted to chat.
Pete was here and now my tomato plants are tied to a broom handle that was in my shed. I’ve cut off more leaves to take away weight, but I also purchased more supports. I never dreamt they would grow so big.
I like that I’ve dressed every day through lockdown. It certainly helped me feel good. Inside, I’m a sexy woman in her forties, not an unwell person. The me that people see is not the me that I am.
My lockdown hair is beyond all hope now. I just try to make gaps for my eyes.
I awoke with a headache at 5.30 am. This is not usual, so I dozed. The headache did not go so I had to cancel with a friend. This was a bit of a blow as I haven’t seen her for ages. I rested and drank plenty and began to feel better by lunch time.
My cleaner has had to swap to tomorrow as he had a job he needed to finish. It’s made me feel oddly discombobulated. With lockdown Mondays have been my only fixed point in the week. Zoom meetings are fortnightly with others that I choose to join dotted in between.
I have already watered the garden. It was a bit early, but it has not been hot and we have had rain. I have more strawberries on the way, but am sad to see the rose for my sister bruised by the rain. My tomato plants are hanging in there until Pete can help me tomorrow. They need stronger stakes.
This morning I kept jumping when the builders started. I did feel very fragile at the time.
I took a watch bracelet to have a purple watch face put on it. I had discussed it before lockdown, but as I started shielding on the 6 March this was my first chance to take it in. The mall seems more scary now than before the pandemic. It seems half lit and there are arrows everywhere which people seem to ignore.
I do still feel a bit not quite myself though. I have drunk plenty and eaten fairly well. I’ve lost a little bit of weight in the last two weeks as my watch is a bit loose. I shall treat myself to something tomorrow. Maybe two things and maybe bake a cake.
I wonder if M has rearranged his flat? It can’t be nice to have one’s home on public display especially as some of it belongs to H jointly. It’s hard to believe some of what he has done.
I thought of my Dad so much yesterday. I used to take him out and give him a present. Often something he needed but the colours he liked. Or a natural history book – birds, or trees. I can’t believe there are people who throw away their Dad for an alcoholic.
I’m looking forward to bed tonight. I want to sleep away this fragile feeling.
I woke very early this morning. It was still stormy so I went back to sleep and then luxuriated in my lovely bed reading.
Last night, when I went to finish painting the gate, I found that the paint tin was empty save for dregs and rainwater. I sloshed some on, knowing it would not give a layer but every little helps. Today I can see where it went, and will apply more.
I am waiting for a wooden swing seat. I think I will paint that the same colour to protect it from the weather. I may wait until it arrives before I finish the gates.
My tomato plants were again drooping because of the wind and rain. I have trimmed a lot of leaves away to make them less top heavy. Tomorrow Pete will be here to help me secure them to a broom handle which will be more substantial. All the tomatoes are there just getting riper.
Today I went to the health food store. It is never full at any one time. I went to pay and my debit card was declined. What? I looked at it and realised that it was my old one. But I had cut it up! No, it seemed I had cut my new card…
The young woman is really friendly, and I paid for what I could with cash. That I had my NHS discount helped. We laughed about my absent mindedness, she kept the rest for me, and I came home feeling dismayed at the inconvenience.
I started writing and wanted my scissors. Looking around for them, I spotted my new, cut in two card lying beside my waste paper basket.
I went back to the shop, and we tried my cut up card as contactless. No good. The young woman suggested I inserted the half that goes in the whatsit. It worked!
So I have some cash, my goods, and had a giggle and also saw a friend which was great.
The day has been breezy, but now there is blue sky everywhere.
I am pleased that one of my poems Walthamstow is included in an anthology. I will update when I can. Half of the profits will go to NHS charities and half to BLM. This is a plus.
There are four ships lying in the English channel not too far from here. Their home port is full of furloughed vessels. It’s because the crew have been on board for a year or more due to the pandemic. The poor crew need time on land and will maybe be flown home and other crew will take over when they are cleared to sail again.
Amazingly, cruises are booked up already even though they are a hot house for infectious disease. I can’t think of anything worse than a cruise. Give me a train journey any day.
My harbour is cluttered still, and perhaps more. I watch the tugs and pilots go out to bring in vessels as well as seeing them out. The huge Russian one has left and smaller ones are in it’s place.
Work has stopped at the site. I can only pray. Please pray with me. The ombudsman has my case now.
I am sleeping well. 99% of the time I wake refreshed. Pain is still minimal but my mood is low.
My garden is full of delights. Flowers I did not expect. My tomato plants need resurrecting after the rain, so I am going to do that now and finish painting my gate.
I didn’t think it was possible hack a phone (my laptop remains broken). But then, a smartphone is a tiny computer…
I see Nigel B. keeps visiting. He seems to like trolling women, rather like DW likes writing malicious letters. It doesn’t matter, my location is not disclosed on here, so my ‘neighbour’ could be anywhere.
Today the ombudsman picked up my complaint about the plans across the road. Work recommenced earlier this week, and every sound made me jump. My anxiety increased until today when the ombudsman emailed me. I also discovered the planning inspectorate.
It has rained again for which I am grateful. Watering is all well and good but it does little for the water table. We are dry and there have been more forest fires.
Last night the light seeped into the sea. The harbour seemed to disappear in mist, as it did today when the rain started today.
Pete nipped over and put my batteries into my trolley. I cherish my friends.
I slept well and was refreshed this morning until work started over the road. It was stopped after the ombudsman got involved.
All in all, it’s been an OK day, except my cousin is being persecuted by Yildiz Mehmet.
WordPress has gone strange again. There’s a thoroughly unpleasant man in Australia who is persecuting my cousin.
I woke feeling tired. This is unusual. I normally awake feeling refreshed even if I decide to linger in bed for half an hour.
It has rained so I did not need to water my garden. I took photos of it instead. I tend to forget what I have written the day before, so yes took pics of my sister’s rose and other flowers.
I have a headache. Maybe eyestrain? Maybe just thinking. I’m still taking painkillers. They are not strong, so they just ease any residual inflammation in my leg, and ankle.
Does anyone else get scam calls from Amazon? I know people have had them, so it’s my turn now.
The sky still looks grim. Maybe more rain on the way.
There’s a heavy rain cloud overhead, I hope it will pour down for my garden. And for my breathing.
I feel tired again. Inflammation makes one tired in order to make a person rest so that they recover. My ankle has been very inflamed and still has a little way to go.
I just left a zoom meeting. It didn’t seem to flow well and some feel predisposed to talk when it’s someone’s turn to speak.
I am still taking painkillers for my ankle and the bruising to my back. That is better but I still get twinges in my ribs.
I had a friend for cold drinks in my garden. It was so pleasant but I really find it hard to trust anyone these days. So many people are untrustworthy and unreliable.
Today I have been feeling not quite myself. Nothing specific, but it could be the humidity we’ve had for a few days.
My breathing is affected by humidity and tires me. I have spent time writing, talking with my cousin, daughter, and just left a zoom event held by The Poetry Society. I was late. This is happening quite often, I’m sad to say. Being late.
I had a nap earlier and whilst drifting into sleep it seemed I could feel the turning of the Earth. I haven’t felt this for years. It’s not just that I feel the Earth turning but today it was like I could feel myself suspended by gravity and a vacuum. This sensation goes back to nightmares I had early on with PTSD.
I slept for a round an hour or so and then did some things in the house and garden. I have finally been able to plant my hanging baskets but they need more soil, so are not hung yet.
The zoom meeting was very good, excellent in fact. I listened and did not comment. I was not on the agenda.
It’s good to be aware of one’s appearance on zoom. I remembered to reapply my lippy.
I’ve just watered the garden. The rose for my sister is in bloom. I have watched the bud for two weeks now. I sat and ate strawberries while I looked at it.
My strawberries are lush. So sweet and falling apart on biting. It is so satisfying to eat what one has grown.
I still need to cut away some tomato leaves. It will make the plants less heavy and more sun will reach the crop,
So now I am exhausted. I’m aware of discomfort but not pain. My ankle was very slightly puffy today but not painful, just reminding me it needs rest.
I’m going to have a glass of rose wine as there is no chocolate in the house. I hope to sleep well, despite the sultry evening.
I am a bit low. All my friends are back at work and though I’m used to that I haven’t seen them in ages.
I’m not going to change my behaviour now that lockdown is over. I’m going to wait.
Writer and psychologist. My health, a journey with two life shortening diseases 
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