I am in hospital…

My plan was to always avoid hospital. But today I struggled to breathe and called paramedics.

It felt like I was being assaulted.They simply started taking my temperature and blood stats, without pause. I exclaimed ‘I feel like you’re assaulting me , you haven’t even told me your names, and you are so tall and I’m tiny’.

My sats were 88. Later, the nicer one told me I looked so dreadful they thought I was near death. And they were right. I have viral pneumatitis. An unknown viral cause that affected my heart from working properly. It might be Covid-19 or it might be a blood clot on my lungs.

They told me if I stayed at home I would die. I said that I would go if they would use Open Access – having a GP admit me to a ward by phone. They phoned my GP who asked to speak to me and he treated me like a child, saying I had paramedics there, go with them. I replied that the noise and lights in A and E are very bad for neurological conditions, and the paramedic took the phone back.

They did make the effort of getting me a single room. I showered and dressed, with a little help, only getting feet into my trousers, and needed more oxygen. Every time I moved, my sats dropped.

Then, arriving here, I was not comfortable. I kept having things done to me and pain in back kept increasing until I felt almost insane. I had taken my drink bottle and kept getting thirsty but being told to wait. All the time, the pain in the small of my back was getting worse. I became short tempered because of it. The staff nurse looking after me was so kind. I kept apologising for being so ratty. She replied that she thought I was very patient.

A junior doctor asked me how often my pain occurs. Well, never as bad as that because I manage my situation and don’t allow pain to get so bad.

Finally, after five hours with paramedics and nurses and a doctor, I was given pain relief. I am exhausted but now only slightly uncomfortable. Four cannulas dropped out of me as they were being secured. Another fell out after half an hour. Blood was pouring everywhere. Now one is truly plastered down and bandaged. A touch of superglue.

I had an injection in my stomach. I forget the reason. To do with blood clots. Embolisms. I’ll have an MRI tomorrow.

I may die. I just want to see my daughter.

I was careless in not making sure to have an enduring love. I did not take hold of love from good men. I felt too insecure.

The man I married was real love, until our daughter was born. He became bullying, and undermining. I found myself hiding money to be able to get away.

My next relationship was with someone who had issues. We got along well, although he would sometimes dwell on self pity, and a bit of I’m no good. He was also very jealous of man I spoke to, or he ‘saw the way I looked’ at his step brother. I actually only had eyes for him. He was mean with money, and although we had a joint mortgage on a house, I told him to go.

The third was sweet and thoughtful. Every gesture he made was heart felt. I was just beginning to feel love when he was yanked away. He is an alcoholic and often in black out.

I have only just started working through the shock of when he appears in my bedroom. Thirteen years ago, a man broke into my home and stood at the end of my bed watching me sleep. In my subconscious, I thought it was Lara come to get into bed with me. Except something was wrong. When I heard footsteps running down the stairs, I called out to her asking where she was going. She called out that it was a man. I grabbed the phone, dialled 999 and the police were there in before the call was ended.

Today’s voyeur is next year’s rapist.

Today I have been in almost constant touch with my friends in Virginia. He rarely keeps his phone ring on, but when he learned about my condition, he kept the contact going.

I’ve never experienced such an alarming day. I am in a ward now, a single room which is miles too hot. I asked for the windows to be opened, but it’s not much different. I’m hoping to sleep well but I’m right by the nurses station. They talk and shut drawers.

I’m so glad the paramedics persuaded me to come here. I’m a bit sad that my GP would not admit me over the phone. It would have saved me so much pain and stress.