Trip to Southampton…

So today was the day I was waiting for. To breathe better. Oh that did not happen.

I had blood taken to measure my blood gases, they read the gadget I wore to bed last night, and my cough was measured.

Maybe 15 minutes clinical time.

I need to go back to to get a cough assistant. It will help me clear my chest. Apparently, I use it for a minute each day.


Dead gulls and visitors…

On Friday, it came to light that there was a dead seagull on my back porch roof. Apparently, my neighbours’ son could not sleep because of the smell. This made me wonder how long they knew it was there.

Anyway, I called the man who cleans my windows as he had told me if I ever need anything, to call him. I got his answering service so looked up the local pest control. The amount they asked for was eye watering, but I gave my card details and it would be done today. However, my window cleaner called me back and was happy to remove it and the price he quoted was far lower. So I accepted that and cancelled the pest control.

In amongst this, I began to wheeze, so called for paramedics. They arrived exactly as Charlie arrived, so one of them paid him for me with a hefty tip as the poor man was gagging at the stench.

Then my daughter arrived. Just as the paramedics were leaving.

My weekend was rounded off by meeting a friend on the Quay and having refreshments in my garden. My garden is so beautiful right now.


Unfolding Intimately Into Illusions

So many times I was offered illusions,
of love, such empty promises they turned out to be
I unfolded myself to slip into
the dreams woven in deception
unknowing, both me, and the deceiver

Some people cannot live in daylight,
truth finds them there so not knowing stealth
becomes their wont.
Promises made in intimate darkness
don’t endure the light of day

Published in Know Thyself, Heal Thyself


Keep taking the pink one…

A while ago, a paramedic recommended that I have Ventolin (the blue inhaler) for when my lungs got tight. Ever since, I have a tight lungs a great deal.

One morning, I was too lazy to reach for the blue one and my breathing has been better.

I did need paramedics today, though.


Self Efficacy Matters More Than Self-Esteem

In life, we hear a lot about having a good sense of self esteem. Indeed, positive self esteem is of great value. But on what is it built?

Self efficacy builds self confidence. So the more skills in life we have, the more confidence there is.

Efficacy is simply being efficient. If we are brought up learning age appropriate tasks, we have self efficacy. Being able to do most everything around running a home by the time we are moving away from home, we will have the confidence to do it.

This is how I raised my daughter. She learned age appropriate skills as she grew up, including how to cookShe found success in the Duke of Edinburgh Awards as she had the skills she needed do well and lead others as they hiked for miles carrying everything they needed on their backs. She was probably not the targeted candidate, but these long weekends certainly increased her self-confidence.

When we aim at self-esteem, validation is needed. Where validation is required, there are going to be quite a few times when good self-esteem is missing, as we are all human and make mistakes. We can all feel foolish sometimes.

Feeling foolish is handled better by someone with self confidence, whereas another person feels the need for validation again.

People who have self efficacy have self confidence, and that produces good self esteem. We can’t raise a child successfully unless we follow that route. If we concentrate on self esteem only, that adult child will constantly need reassurance. Making a mistake will devastate them, rather than being a point of learning.

We see then that self confidence is far more resilient than self esteem. Confidence can weather the mistakes in life, without needing a posse of validation.

Published in Know Thyself, Heal Theyself


Petals Dropping

PETALS DROPPING by Chrissie Morris Brady

A shaft of light, torch-like, lights the room
this room, off a corridor, in the huge building.
Alone, save the silent nurse who sleeps, I long
to be home, to be kissed, to take in the scent
of Dad’s neck as he carries me.

My body does not respond no matter my effort
lifeless as a flower cut with petals dropping,
my limbs inert, akinetic, mute my voice, this done to me
without my knowing, and yet I sense each touch
every invasive thing. I am destroyed, a mind encased
inside a tomb that is my flesh, bone and blood.

My thoughts drift back to familiar worlds
of being chosen, the boy sweet on me, golden hair
they shaved away, the branch in that tree smoothed
by our jeans, I could not know it would be you
that died in my arms, and my Dad would die there too.

Published in Other Worlds in The Haar


I contributed a poem to…

Other Worlds – The Purple Hermit


Sun, You Tease Too Much

Poem changed the line breaks.

Writer and psychologist. My health, a journey with two life shortening diseases

you came with warmth
I felt renewed, with hope

energised, bees bumbling,
the kiss of warmth gentle
on my face has gone away

like a moody lover, a child
put out at the word no
clouds hide you, as if

playing a game, wanting a cloak
I would not mind had you
not been gone so long

Published by Woodworkers of The World Unite

View original post


A reprieve…

Around a month ago, a paramedic told me I needed a ventolin inhaler as well as my pink one. So I duly asked for a script and started using it. And I have needed to call out paramedics frequently since then.

The day before yesterday, I used the pink inhaler only and found that my breathing is much better. So I used that one only yesterday. Still my breathing was better. So I told my surgery. They will double the script for me.

Sometimes, it seems, what seems to be the obvious remedy is not. My pink inhaler contains a preventer and my lungs seem to like it a whole lot better.

I am grateful to not be calling out paramedics. It was getting ridiculous and yet I needed them. It seems the ventolin was the cause.


Ring Of Light

Today the stars align, sun, moon, earth
a ring of light to the Earth from the Heavens

occasion rare but beautiful
to those who care to look upward

Skies hold hope, never changing
the movements are a pattern
since before time began

Sun and Moon light our paths

Published in The Lark



I used to love waking in the morning because I would be pain free and relaxed.

It seems that is over now. I wake with painful spasms. My neurological disease is progressing fast.

My appointment in Southampton is on 1 September, so that seems far off and also suggests the end of summer, and reminds me that winter is not a good time for me.

A friend came over yesterday. We had a good chat and watered the garden together. I have more beautiful flowers opening. My garden is a pleasure to be in, despite all the weeds left by Benn Jackson.


My breathing is rubbish…

Yesterday, when I went to water the garden, my breathing deteriorated quite a bit. When I came in, I felt I was suffocating – I literally could not get air in. It is terrifying, as the feeling is so visceral. So overwhelming. It is not like energy being sapped away.

My body fights to get air in. I can’t stop it. My lungs crave air. So now, I am loathe to do anything. Any exertion seems to result in suffocation.

No appointment from Southampton as yet.