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Continuing to recuperate…

I continue to feel better. Last night I had my first meal. My friend got me some pasta, so I made some carbonara. It felt good to eat.

I am resting a feeling better. I feel almost my usual self again. I can sleep as normal now. Mostly, I am back to normal.

I am so grateful.

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I managed to speed up my prescription…

After my horrendous night, I knew I could not face another. I sent an email to my doctors practice and then went there on my trolley. Having purpose took my mind off my body. A receptionist told me the prescription would be with the pharmacy later. I y then rang the pharmacy, and yes, they had it.

I tried to phone Martin, a friend who had offered to go for me, but there was no answer. So I set off to get there myself. It was spitting with rain and growing dark. The traffic was building up. I just kept going although a lot of the time I felt afraid.

The pharmacist handed me a small bag. I asked if my key medicine was in it. She said no, it would be done in the morning. I replied that I had only come because they had told me it could be dispensed then. She was very kind and filled the whole prescription.

Coming home was darker and scarier. Where I live is so quiet. Every strange sound made me jump. Every shadow made me aware of how vulnerable I was.

I got home and took my meds. After a while I began to feel the beneficial effect of the meds. I was so relieved.

I again pulled weight on my bed cover. It comforted me. I slept fairly well. Today, I have felt fatigue. My vagus nerve is traumatised. It has been for some time, years.

I am so grateful that Martin phoned just as I had taken my meds. He had come to my house and found me not there.

I am grateful to the woman who was also in the pharmacy. I am grateful to all my friends.

Mostly, I am grateful to God. Without him I would despair. But I wish my spirit would weaken.

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A very difficult night…

I forgot to renew my repeat prescription and have managed to find myself without medication for my neurological disease. It is very difficult. My body has been thrashing and writhing. I managed to get three hours of sleep by weighting my cover in bed. It soothes the nervous system and brings relief enough to sleep.

When I awoke, I found myself oddly still with hot pings around my body which must be to do with my damaged nervous system, but I was able to rest a short while longer.

I have been over to a lady with whom I am friendly. My attempts to text her had failed as I had put her phone number in my phone incorrectly. So now I know I am being prayed for. This comforts me. I know that Nick Archer is praying.

I wonder why my spirit is so strong when there has been so much suffering in my life? Why can’t I just give up the will to live? And yet I enjoy my life, apart from the disease.

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Freedom to speak up at SWAST is a mess…

I recently resigned from the Council of Governors for my local ambulance service. When I say local, it covers a huge area the population of which triples in summer. Recently, it has been in a critical incident due to Covid-19 and the stupidity of holiday makers taking unnecessary risks.

My resignation was to do with internal messes, miscommunications, and breach of my trust. So, I did not resign to my boss but to the Chairman of the Trust.

The interview was arranged by the chairman so that I could my concerns. However, the freedom to speak up left me with more concerns than ever.

I brought up that someone broke the Equality Act. I was told that they were kind so that didn’t matter, and further that they were kind meant they had broken the law “proportionally”. Proportionality is shown is in the penalty, not the breaking of the law!

I brought up that no one knew how to make a complaint about an emergency call handler. (Here, the complaint is made to the service needed. For example, if you have dialled 999 because you cannot breathe and all you can say is “am- am- am”, rather than ambulance, the 999 call handler should recognise that it is not the police or fire service that is required. It is amazing how many emergency call handlers cannot distinguish that. The time delayed could cost a life). But no, the freedom to speak up person also believed that the complaint goes to 999. Instead of believing me, she told me she would find out for herself. How rude.

So my debrief from my resignation left me with more concerns than before my debrief and very concerned about the culture within the office staff of that ambulance service.

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Rhythms In My Life

Each of us is unique in how we live our lives. At the beginning, we fit with the family we are born into. As we reach our late teens some of us begin to individuate and find our nuclear family less comfortable, a very flawed parent, being treated differently to an older sibling. We can still remain close to a family member, or wait until the season is right to renew that latent bond.

However, to have a healthy relationship with a life partner we must individuate- we cannot make a relationship in the image of the family we are born into.

Discovering that I did not fit well in my nuclear family was the same exploration of my own values. Many remained the same as my Dad’s with some fine tuning. Every useless thing of my mother was extinguished. Having many loving friends, I flourished.

I sought education that my mother had denied me and the change in me through self awareness and, therefore, growth birthed many healthy habits and living outwardly; for the benefit of others and easing their burden.

I move at different speeds, adapting to each new phase of life. Being single, being married, being a mother, becoming a lone parent, and now an empty nest. My life has always been full as I always volunteered my skills as well as my paid job. I was fortunate to be a stay at home mom, it’s still full time work, but once my daughters were at school I began the volunteering once more. Now I work, and I write here.

My inspiration comes from observation. This was learnt through photography and poetry. Both depict scenes, both are gifted to others.

My work demands that I observe. Especially that which is not seen or heard. Inspiration comes from this too. Adding anonymity makes it a creation, a lesson, a tale.

My speeds vary at this time in my life. I cook simple, nutritious food, I tend my garden, I wander in nature near my home, I am a hostess, and friend. Now I also am a patient needing a prescription.

I am like the Moon. Seen in various forms and pulling the tides.

Published in Know Thyself, Heal Thyself

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A full moon tonight and my health…

I am looking forward to the full moon tonight. I love the moon, it seems so friendly. It has been my friend.

On Monday I had botuline injections into my left arm. The hope is that it will relax and reduce the muscle spasms that I currently experience. It takes about three weeks to take effect.

On Wednesday, a nebulizer arrived. After two years of waiting, I feel it is too late now as my inhalers make no difference to my breathing anymore, it seems.

I have lost some weight. My watch swings around my wrist. I feel ok though, I am eating as well as I can.

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Waxing Moon

A Poem

Each evening, yearning every night
for Moonlight to flood my bedroom
waiting to watch wondrous orb
transit east to west across the sky

Tender light, gentle in your journey
I watch as you wax, revealing more
from sickle to fully glowing
friendly light, filling each night

Published in Under The Moon

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Last Post

A poem for Remembrance Sunday

Bugler blows end of day, time to rest
each note separate, not easy, skill is needed
And in respect for a comrade fallen
emotions rise, yet control is held
this friend’s sleep will not be broken

Solemn notes sound so lonesome clearly
commanding silence, peace, respect
bugler’s own heart is breaking, plays on
though tears may well, dignity kept
heart rending Last Post is his duty

Published in LifeLine

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I may have begun a revolution…and a business…

A short while ago, quite by chance, I learned that Intensive Care Units (ICU) have complied to a paper by Professor Duncan Young, Oxford, and reduced community noise by changing to plastic trolleys and bins with soft close. He found that the noise was far above the World Health Organisation (WHO) guidelines and did not promote recovery. As a result, ICU is now much quieter and promotes recovery.

I took this and emailed the manager of my local hospital. I hoped to reduce the community noise in the Emergency Department (ED). I got nowhere fast, only eliciting a half-hearted response saying that when there were less busy times, anyone who found ED uncomfortable could be treated in a more personal way. To this, I replied that we do not have second-class patients.


A short while ago, quite by chance, I learned that Intensive Care Units (ICU) have complied to a paper by Professor Duncan Young, Oxford, and reduced community noise by changing to plastic trolleys and bins with soft close. He found that the noise was far above the World Health Organisation (WHO) guidelines and did not promote recovery. As a result, ICU is now much quieter and promotes recovery.

I took this and emailed the manager of my local hospital. I hoped to reduce the community noise in the Emergency Department (ED). I got nowhere fast, only eliciting a half-hearted response saying that when there were less busy times, anyone who found ED uncomfortable could be treated in a more personal way. To this, I replied that we do not have second-class patients.

I brought this up at a CoG at SWAST, and they were a loss too.

This year I have been in ED three times. The first, I needed pain relief just for being there. The second time I was denied any pain relief or sedative at all. The third time I left before anyone could see me as I was horrified by what I was intended to lie on. I was also discriminated against.

I made a formal complaint and now the ED is under scrutiny and breach of the Equality Act.

I brought this up at a CoG at SWAST, and they were a loss too.

This year I have been in ED three times. The first, I needed pain relief just for being there. The second time I was denied any pain relief or sedative at all. The third time I left before anyone could see me as I was horrified by what I was intended to lie on. I was also discriminated against.

I made a formal complaint and now the ED is under scrutiny and breach of the Equality Act. Watch this space.

Today I contacted a local producer of jams and preserves of all types. I may need to register with the Soil Association. I get so many figs, and next year will have more, as well as tomatoes and, hopefully, apricots.

This time last year I was terribly ill. I feared I would not make it to Christmas. I am so relieved that this autumn is different.

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Icicles

A poem

Autumn falls but you brought winter
Freezing winds and icicles seize the heart

You weren’t content to let death us part
Spite and hate had to be left behind

For others to deliver
Autumn falls and icicles seize the heart

Published in The Lark

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Sunshine

A poem

Sinking in our winter sky, sunshine floods my windows
giving my home warmth and light
Sunshine helps me protect the planet Earth
with natural warmth and light
Darkness shrouds our days and yet the sun shines still
the tilt of Earth turning from her rays
Soon now will come the shortest day
then, gratefully, we count more light

Published in Promptly Written

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Grateful Heart

A poem

How can my heart not sing its gratitude,
and not show kindness where I go
our lives are governed by our attitude

Being positive does not spare us difficulties
but it sure helps us to endure them
surrounded by color in flowers, birds, and trees

So a thankful heart is mine for all reminders
of the beauty in the world, in most people,
the trials I face are eased by my thank yous

Published in Promptly Written