Writer and psychologist. My health, a journey with two life threatening diseases
finding joy in every day things. No location given, ever. My poetry, essays, and psychology.
Someone on Linkedin has approached me to be interviewed about my poetry collection. I’ve never heard of him and don’t trust a word he says.
I have been very fatigued today. I have written a little.
My friend and poet, Frank Mundo, has written a wonderful review about my collection.
It is still available through Amazon.
The last two years since my sister died have been very hard, and since last year when Mike ghosted me because he ‘didn’t want to be my cook, cleaner and nurse’, twenty four hours after he proclaimed his love and that he would not let me die alone, my emotional strength has been even more fragile. I also lost my dog a week or so after the death of my sister.
I have had some bad news today and have wept and feel I will never stop weeping.
All the PTSD I’ve suffered because of my neurological disease seems to haunt me again, and feelings of worthlessness are constant companions. I have no resilience to weather the storms, even literal ones. And the loss of the view of the harbour has impacted me deeply.
I am a changed person since September last year, and the passive aggression of Abby G Poetree has hurt me far more than my relationship with her warranted. I had been trying to nurture a friendship, but she is hard work.
I am grateful to Tanya and John. They are friends indeed, and during this pandemic we all need to show kindness more than ever before.
Someone arranged to meet me today. I spent a while thinking about cancelling. Then I realised it would do me the world of good to get out in the sunshine, and I could get groceries afterwards.
We outside in the sunshine. It was so mild. We talked for ages. Then we parted company and I went to the market.
I felt good when I got home. My friend has plans for meeting again. I need this so much. Many of my friends are too afraid of the pandemic to go anywhere, which frustrates me.
I have been writing. I feel quite happy with my life. I may have someone staying here for a short while as they need to sort some issues out. If this happens, I shall enjoy it.
The autumn sun is good on my skin, even though less of it is exposed.
I picked all the unripened figs from the tree. I looked up what to do about them. When I came home, I found more flowers in bloom in the garden. I am pleased.
Leaves are turning red and gold
we see our breath in the chilled air
walking faster to warm ourselves
as nature starts to sleep
Darkness draws around our days
light is short, the sun is lower in the sky
chestnuts fall, mushrooms appear
leaves carpet the path we walk
I am really happy that Rafael Nadal won the French Open. I have enjoyed his tennis since he first appeared. He is a true sportsman.
I am getting used to this sudden autumn. Last year it was not like this. It stayed mild and sunny until at least late September. I dislike having to wear more clothes, warmer, heavier ones, and shoes or boots with socks.
I have an odd relationship with socks. I don’t like the lack of contact with the floor. I wear slippers without socks so that when my feet get warm, I can kick them off.
As a child I got chilblains on my toes. We walked to school in all weathers, though for periods of time we got a ride with our neighbours. I tend to have poor circulation to my left foot, even though it’s my dominant foot. After school, at home, my feet would warm up and the chilblain would itch like mad. Now, in boots and socks, my feet start itching with no chilblains.
I cannot bear heat in my bedroom. The radiator is turned low, and I open my window before I go to sleep.
I was shocked to hear that George Floyd’s executioner was released on bail. I feel angry about it. Ex-cops have a history of killing black people. Ahmaud Arbery is one such case.
So quickly Fall fell into place
no sunny days in September
bright skies here and there
between days and days of rain
Only now days are dry but grey
and in a while winter will hold sway
the leaves are turning, gold and red
no sun to highlight their hues
Melancholy is my mood
I try to slumber longer hours
Pandemic causes more time alone
trying not to wander far from home
Sadness is still with me. Last night after I went to bed I so wanted to be with my Dad. I miss him so much. So badly. I always got great comfort by being with him. Even when he was really ill, he would smile at me and tease me.
I can hardly believe my sister has been gone for two years. My playmate and confidante. She was so beautiful and cheerful, not moody like me.
I have still not adjusted to autumn weather. Yesterday evening when I opened my window for the night, the air was warm. Yet winter footwear is needed, and a jacket. I love leaving the house only needing to slip on my shoes.
I am still in shock from the onslaught from Abby G Poetree.
For the last 18 months I have attended The Platform, a poetry group where we read our poetry. I have always enjoyed it and met such great people.
I think it was in June that the leader, who calls herself Abby G Poetree, messaged me a horrid message that she gets complaints about me. It was particularly upsetting as I had left a zoom meeting in tears because I minimise my ill health and other problems in my life, like the pile of water above my ceiling. I was shocked and hurt. Why tell me? I don’t repeat what others say.
I replied to the effect that why should she hold back? And I posted in the group page that if anyone wants to complain about me they should talk to me. This was greeted with an angry emoji from Abby and her boyfriend. What has it to do with him?
Apparently, it was unacceptable to carry on talking to someone who asked me a question while we had a cyber intruder.
Abby posted that the page was for poetry only, although someone else had posted a political petition.
I removed my post and messaged Abby that I did not like her boyfriend’s attitude – the angry emoji. She responded with ‘Do you think everything is about you?’ and that she is fair to everyone. I had no idea what she meant so she explained that her boyfriend had whispered about muting somebody who was strumming their guitar while someone was reading. I had been oblivious to this.
I replied to this effect and was there anything else she would like to accuse me of. She iterated that she is fair to everyone.
No. She always chooses the same group of people to read first. She compliments them. She has never complimented me.
Time passed and I found myself unable to join zoom meetings. Then I messaged the effect her attack had had on me. I got no reply.
Then last night I was locked out of a zoom meeting. I was bewildered and very hurt. I phoned her phone hoping she would realise her mistake. I left a message in the group page. When I got to the page it was deleted and then I was no longer a member of the group. I was frozen out with no dialogue. Just silent passive agression. I know Paul Harris has a hand in here.
I messaged her. She told me she never wants to hear from me again, she is fair.
She encourages everyone but me. She has never paid me a compliment or asked me to read as first one. She does not go round in any systematic way, just where her eyes lead her.
I am punched in the gut. I considered her a friend. She has been a guest at my home, and we’ve spent time together. I don’t recognise her. An apology doesn’t seem to occur to her.
So, following on from yesterday’s post, I’ve had a fairly good day.
I bumped into a former neighbour, we were so pleased to see each other. He used to come to the door in the evening to ask me to put milk in his cup of tea. I would give him a jug of milk so he could have breakfast. We played catch across the garden in between each of ours, he tuned in my TV and took my daughter to the beach. He will visit soon.
So, an emoji was left by Michael Ebsworth on one of my poems. I could have left it there for him to see his name. I was shocked. He’s so private, but now I have his apple ID and his IP address. It hurt. I do and don’t want to hear from him. I do not want to be toyed with.
I’m so glad that when I came home I felt good.
I started this blog soon after I got a very serious diagnosis concerning my lungs. I had gone from breathing normally to having a wheeze after exertion. I had been exposed to damp spores. I was told the prognosis was not good.
Due to the drastic cut in my lung capacity, I wanted to journal my journey with now two life threatening diagnoses. I wanted to share the joy I feel in everyday things, the gratitude I have for simple things and for knowing God.
At times, I have included other things like my poetry and life’s happenings. The last 18 months have included much too much about the bizarre and distressing behaviour of my neighbours, and I wish it had not.
I have had someone identifiable try to leave smart comments, which is just nasty. I’ve had people rifle through looking for a certain poem, so I have removed that poem.
Last night someone pretended to be somebody I care about deeply. Don’t do that please. If it was not a pretence, you know who you are. Contact me appropriately. I will not be played with.
Thank you.
