I drank your adoration, it made me glow
in truth, I was used to being the golden girl
you liked my dresses more than my sister’s
I was chosen for your team, football or hide go seek
we’d meet at school in the woods and kiss
just like at home in the shrubbery or the den
always together, you saved me for yourself
and I wanted for no one, no other friend,
though I had them
You loved my long, long, thick hair hanging heavy
my contrasting dark eyelashes enthralled you
you sheltered me from the rain and warmed me
Your family moved away while I was ill
in hospital, how could they do that?
I look for you still
Most people who know me would use the word determined in their description of me. I don’t really feel comfortable with the word, as sometimes I don’t bother to try, I don’t know what it is I’m supposed to be determined about. I see myself as giving energy to those things I care about.
In all my life, I gave a lot of energy to motherhood. At times It was tough with financial worries, it was hard to part company from my husband but he bullied me, dominated me, and neglected our child, so I had no choice.
I gave a lot of energy to recovering after my brain surgeries, but I didn’t really realise it. I’m not passive very often, but I wanted to do sport again, I wanted to carry on with my life as it was before. I never dreamt I would have to adapt to a different way of living.
I’ve travelled a great deal, it’s never occurred to me not to. I’ve studied a great deal because I love learning.
This diagnosis with my lungs knocked me over and I laid down for a very long time. There seemed little that could be done. I was caring for my Dad, and I became more and more breathless. Paramedics became the norm.
Now I have been prescribed a new medicine, and I haven’t had any tightness in my lungs. I feel like I once did although I have to be aware that I tire easily
(a poem after sexual violence)
It Might Rain
Looks like it might rain
The flowers will welcome it
The holiday makers
Will be disappointed
Their plans of ice cream
Gone awry, cloudy skies
Looks like it might rain
A day for baking then
Knead the dough real hard
Let it prove, repeat
Chrissie Morris Brady
Chrissie Morris Brady now lives on the south coast of England with her daughter. She is widely traveled and has lived in several countries. After gaining her degrees in psychology at USC, she worked with recovering addicts for several years. She continued her practice in the UK.
Chrissie has been published by Anti-Heroin Chic, Ariel Chart, Bournemouth Borough Council, Mad Swirl, Plum Tree Books, Scarlet Review, Dissident Voice, Democracy Now and other publishers and anthologies.
When I upgraded my phone after many years I lost my Instagram account. I tried so hard to get back in to no avail.
I finally gave up and started a new account and did not use my own picture in my profile but chose one from the internet because I was fed up with being hit on by men. Today, someone started following me so I checked out their account and decided that we had enough in common to follow back. Ten minutes later he deluged me with messages that he wanted to date me, we had chemistry, all sorts. I was overwhelmed and annoyed. I told him my profile pic is not me and he was jumping the gun etc and I stopped following him. I also told him I am not over my last relationship.
I cannot win. I love someone who no longer wants me and get hit on by men I have no interest in.
What do I do?
This year I’m looking forward to the Rugby World Cup. I love rugby and support Ireland, which is one of the best teams in the Northern Hemisphere. After them, I support England or Wales. I’m very proud that Ireland beat New Zealand twice last year. New Zealand are consistently one of the best teams in the world.
It’s also the Cricket World Cup which I follow on my phone and watch when I can. I have always liked cricket, as a child I watched it with my Dad and then a boyfriend liked it. I have spent many sunny afternoons watching cricket on local ovals, wherever I was living.
The women’s Soccer World Cup is also on. I don’t like soccer, so that will pass me by.
I was very athletic when I was young. I ran 100 yards, and kicked a football around. I ran for my school. I played rounders and cricket. After my surgeries I went from captain of the team to last to be chosen. I found that so hard. Incredibly hard. So I rejoice in my daughter, who is athletic and ran for her school in three disciplines and has danced since she was three. She is long of limb and poised.
I’ve just been to our local boat show and I can hear the loud speaker announcements as I write. It’s very blustery so when my friend had to leave, I came home. I will go out with my daughter later, catch a drink and some music.
This a photo of Highway 1, leaving Santa Monica behind and heading north. I’ve driven it twice, once to meet a friend in Las Olivas, and once on a road trip with a different friend heading towards Monterey and camping on the the way.
This drive exhilarated me in such a deep way. The beauty of the mountains and the vast ocean below. It recharged me in a way I can’t explain. The beauty and my love of driving fed my soul. It invigorated my spirit. I felt alive as if the Holy Spirit was flowing through me with joy and vitality.
Just now, I feel weary. I feel too many jobs need doing that I can’t do. I’m struggling to keep my head above water. My breathing is good, my life is fulfilled, but I am without domestic help as I got used to. I was supposed to go to Swanage today to catch up with a friend, but I fell asleep soon after waking up…
Tonight I am going to a local poetry group and have been invited to read at Purbeck Folk Festival.
A weekend has gone by since my last blog post. I spent Saturday wandering the High St which had a festive feel with music playing and some stalls looking for volunteers. I chatted with a young woman who represented a local environmental movement and discovered I already do what they do. I guess they just need more people doing it. If only more people took care of the environment.
Yesterday I spent time resting and eating. The weather was grey and windy which kind of affected me, but then I realised I was tired after I slept for 3 hours.
My breathing has been really good. I feel well, I feel good. My doctor prescribed a medicine which they mostly use with children with Asthma, and has had good results with adults too. It seems to be working for me. I’m thankful for my doctor because he has been proactive. Our children were at school together so I’ve known him a while. I thought it might be awkward having him as my GP but it hasn’t been at all.
I’ve been helping my friend plant her garden and we have laughed a lot. I like to feel useful.