Emotional Honesty/Integrity

The last few days I’ve been tearful and feeling huge loss. Initially it was because the man I had a relationship with video called me and then came to see me. I had been longing for this, after he started to contact me. Before that I had no feeling of love but only attraction. I was living my life as though it wouldn’t happen.

The emotions it brought back were so happy and contentment. After he left I was overwhelmed by loneliness. I found tears came easily. Two day later, he was texting me and calling for long conversations. He told me he doesn’t like the truth in writing. I ‘m almost certain that’s what he said. He wants light hearted , flirty texts. I find conflict in myself about that. If we were a couple, I would be very happy to do that, daily, notes in his lunch box etc. But I’m struggling because he says he wants me but he doesn’t pack as many clothes as he can and leave his situation.

The woman to whom he is loyal has carried out a vendetta of crime and anti-social behaviour against me. She has committed fraud by attempting to change my utility supplier, she has set up direct debits from my bank account to porn sites, dating sites, subscribed me to a phone company. She has lied to the police about me, lied to the council, to the man who is loyal to her. She has thrown 12kg of kindling over my fence, a jar of wax, and a food guard.

She does not accept apologies or conciliatory gestures. She does the above.

How can a man so sweet as he stay in the same house as someone like that?

She is not always polite about this man either. She speaks for him, and talks about him as though he is far lower on the food chain.

While we were talking yesterday, I said I force myself to be very honest when I write my blog. I mean that I do not spare myself, I am honest to the point of complete exposure to what is going on with me. He took it to mean that I would include his name in my blog. I once did, and I realise how wrong it was to do that, although I meant no harm at all. It was thoughtless, a lack of consideration.

He told me it intruded in his life and he does not do that to me. But, oh, he has. He seduced me and pursued relationship with me. He then stood by while the woman told lies to the council about me. I had written notes to him, none to her, but instead of asking me to stop, he joined in the complaint against me. That is intruding in my life.

Freakishly, someone I have been acquainted with someone who turns out to be his last girlfriend. She happened to phone me about two months ago. She asked how life was, and I told her I was devastated by the loss of the relationship and I let his first name slip. Later I used the surname of the woman. There was complete shock as she asked if it was a certain man. I was then shocked too.

I can’t go on letting him contact me when it is convenient for him. That is to say, when that vile woman is not around. He had the emotional courage to leave this very lovely woman for this unattractive one, so why can’t he leave someone like that for a gentle, loving, affectionate, loyal woman like me?

Yes, he’s intruded in my life. He has no emotional honesty, and yet he is heartfelt, thoughtful, generous and sweet. And so talented and capable.

I was lost today, in tears until my daughter rescued me and took me to a gin bar. Now I am drunk, so I hope this makes some sort of sense. I’ve been honest to my own hurt.

I realised a while ago that he was in blackout almost every time we were together. Not when he came after work. Those times he was sweet. He took bags of books I was wanting to give away and put them in his shed to take to the door of a charity shop on his way to work. I’ve since wondered if he actually did as the next tenant was very strange the day she told me the shed was being cleared. He could be a bit insular when he felt low like when his Dad ignored him on Boxing Day. He spent the next day in bed. I understand depression and urged him to get out for a walk in the cold evening. It worked; he felt better but the hurt remained until he was able to get drunk. Sweet, he tried to fix the torch on my phone which actually did not have one. He brought me chocolate and my birthday gift from him was so thoughtfully chosen.

He is an alcoholic. It took me far too long to realise. I knew he drank large quantities on Friday and Saturdays. And had terrible hangovers. They are dangerous as they indicate severe organ damage. I wonder if he is still alive.