The Power of Surrender

The secret to happiness.

Photo by Jackson Simmer on Unsplash

So many people live with insecurities and fear what others think of them. I was reminded of this a day or so ago when I found an old poem I wroteIt was prompted by a mother at the school gates. It seemed the only acceptable problems were a child getting sick or dying, a flight being canceled, a miscarriage — depending on the gestation time.

No one talked about an argument, a mother-in-law who they found difficult, divorce, debt, or other more ‘usual’ problems we have. Absolutely no one had low mood or depression, fear of being rejected, OCD, or any other mental health problem. No, we all hid those issues if we had them and lived in pretence.

If you relate to the paragraph above, you cannot be happy. You are not comfortable in your own skin.

So, how do we change that?

  • First, we need to admit that we fear what others think
  • Then we decide that thoughts and opinions of others do not matter
  • We decide to learn how to become our best selves.

We cannot keep doing this. We need a demarkation. I recommend throwing a pebble into a river, lake, or sea. Plant a rose or a tree. Do something that marks out your decision.

Then write the date, and briefly describe your decision somewhere.

We are powerless over people, places, and things. Accept that.

We cannot read the thoughts of others, so why pretend to be something that is not the true you.

Write down every negative message that you got from your parents, teachers, and other significant people.

Go to your painful memories and feel the pain until there is no pain left to feel. Sit with them until no pain is there anymore.

Accept your past and decide to move on.

Start looking at your qualities. We can all be genuinely kind. Don’t be kind to impress someone. Be kind because you are kind.

Decide how you will manifest generosity, patience, hospitality, housework, and other things involved in daily living. It will be a process, so don’t sweat it.

Begin to live as though no one is watching. Dance, laugh, cry, give things, smile. Don’t iron if you don’t want to. I can count how many times I’ve ironed since I was twenty with one hand.

This is the start of living in surrenderThe judgment and opinions of people you don’t love do not matter.

I started this process when I was in my twenties as I had to survive my mother. The school gates were indeed a challenge. I did not fit. Nevertheless, I volunteered at school events. I was appointed to the ‘board’ of the high school while my children were still in elementary school.

I have always volunteered my time outside of my work. It is satisfying and very challenging to living in surrender. I wept over it but continued. My fulfilment is more important than what I imagine others may be thinking.

No one will ever stop me living in surrender. I have inner peace, genuine happiness and find joy in everyday things.

Gratitude is my attitude. Therefore, with so much to have gratitude for, I am content, happy, and know inner peace,


Our Only Victory Is Defeat

Before we can change anything about ourselves we must first accept who we are. This was postulated by Carl Rogers,who founded the Person Centred Association, and developed a humanistic approach to psychology named Unconditional Positive Regard. Many people see this and think they know what it means, but they don’t.

If we want to accept who we are we need, first, to realize how we sabotage our self acceptance.

  1. Resistance to how our life is. The cards we are dealt, so to speak.
  2. Having unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others
  3. Confusing our random thinking with values.


We all come with attributes and skills. Also we have negative characteristics. Think of any quality and the possibility of it growing in us is there. Life is like that.

Life also has a way of dropping difficulties in our paths. A bad parent, an abusive partner, illness etc.

The thing about resistance is that the more we do it, the more that thing gets ground up and refined into our lives. More resistance means that that thing overwhelms us. We cannot avoid it. It looms large.

Robyn Norman says; Many of us spend much of our life trying to be somebody we can like, which is terrific. But when we ignore the parts that we don’t like or pretend we don’t have them, they tend to grow and sometimes take over, or show up in weird ways.

Take the person who believes they’re always kind. When they behave in unkind ways, they will fall on the sword to prove that they’re only doing what they’re doing because they love you, or because it makes sense (to them).

Resistance can be rationalization. Like telling ourselves our relationship is not so bad, or work is ok really.

Until we accept that there is a problem, we cannot change it.

Unrealistic expectations;

We cannot place our happiness on winning the lottery, or hoping that our abusive partner will change. Doing such things means we will never be happy.

Confusing our random thoughts with values;

Our values start with what our early caregivers teach us or set as an example. We alter or build on them as we travel through life. Our values indicate who we are and how we behave. However we come by our values or principles, we must be guided by them and not by our thoughts.

Our thoughts can lead us into mistakes. A thought acted on can be rudeness, or an insult. Acting on thoughts can cause us regret.

Robyn Norman says;

When we confuse our random thoughts with values, we can convince ourselves of almost anything. We (need) work to recognize the difference so we can let our values lead the way. And that is the beginning of change.

In order to change we must

  1. Accept the reality we are in.
  2. Keep expectations in within reality.
  3. Make clear what is your value and what is random thinking.

Maturing into the person we want to be means seeing and accepting where we are. Acceptance is key. Only then can we change and grow. Acceptance is the victory of defeat.

Published by The Good Men Project


I was interviewed…