I have not recuperated from the chest infections. I still feel weak and listless. I have started antibiotics again. And steroids.
I will not be asking Martin to go. He is economical with the truth but does not lie. I could not go on without him holding me, without talking with him and he tends my skin so gently.
Martin is staying, and we face what is together.
Last Thursday, I stupidly went to the ED to be nebulised. I was there four hours and no neb in sight. I told them my neurological disease causes problems, that the noise and lights are too much. I tried to leave with a canula in my arm. I was stopped. A doctor confirmed that a crackle was heard in my lung.
The canula came out. I said I wanted to leave. The nurse went to get the papers for me to sign, but I left with Marcin.
I went to my surgery for a prescription and we came home. I haven’t been nebulised. I started taking steroids today.
I was awakened this morning by the whine of a very high pitched drill. I cringed and felt the pain it causes in my nerves. It went on for too long.
I have started on antibiotics again. Yesterday, I heard fluid in my chest. I will continue with steroids too. I almost called an ambulance, but I feel in charge now. I am trembling and have a temperature.
My daughter seems to be the poster girl for her company. She is doing well in Oxford, and it seems she would like to stay there.
This causes me a huge dilemna. I don’t want to be parted from her, with only visits, yet I don’t want to leave my garden or have the hassle of moving.
If I move, it will be to somewhere that will give me palliative care. I cannot go on like this, surely?
I am so grateful that the neighbours with the windchimes left. Had I known that mentioning them here would get rid of them I would have doneit sooner. What cruel, cold, vile people they were to deliberately cause me pain. I can only pity them.
Yesterday I mentioned that I felt congested and put it down to the weather. I should have known better. When I opened my bedroom window last night before going to bed, the effort caused me to feel hot and prick with cold perspiration. I sat on my bed with my ceiling fan on for a while and fell asleep to the gentle noise it makes.
This morning I wakened at six and could feel the cold air on my face. I stayed like that for a while and then closed the window. I tested my breathing – that isn’t a thing, it’s seeing if I feel congested. I decided I wasn’t and looked through my emails, and listened to some radio. I fell asleep some time after noon and slept until 3pm. I felt cold and hot to touch, so I’ve started a course of antibiotics. I’m drinking lots and managed a smaller dinner than usual. I’ve opened window and turned the heating off to help reduce my temperature.
It’s a bit of a blow as I have a poetry performance on Tuesday and a medical later in the week. My head is spinning. I should feel better in a couple of days. I will ask my doctor for a course of steroids.
I have to stop minimising my lung’s problems. I need to act as soon as I feel congested so that I don’t get pneumonia. I’ve had that twice after I broke a rib a long time ago and it wasn’t nice at all. At least I feel in charge of my body now, which is definitely a good thing.
Check out the meme at the top of this post. It is very wise.
Instagram: @purbeckpoet
Time has moved swiftly on it seems. It’s hard to believe it has been two months since my last update here. Procrastination does play a part in this, but really I have had nothing new to say until now.
My swollen leg and sore throat featured in my last entry. I became concerned that the prolonged repetition of my sore throat was a strep. infection, and it had occurred to me that the swelling of my leg could be cellulitis ( when a nasty critter gets through a tiny tear in the skin) – my daughter had this when she was barely two years old, in her foot, and had had a fever. That was the one time she needed antibiotics. So I saw my doctor and he gave my throat and leg a look, and listened to my noisy chest. Ten days on, my throat is fine, my breathing much less noisy, my leg is still swollen but no longer hot and I have the diagnosis of heart failure. I’ve had it a while it seems.
Odema is causing the swelling of my leg, and fluid builds up in my lungs  when I eat and walk. This is why I often resonate with an A sharp when I breathe after this activities. My heart can no longer pump efficiently to clear my body of fluids.
This is interesting and rather fascinating, although I don’t think about it that much. To me it is an explanation of some mysteries that were so curious. It seems I had a severe chest infection, maybe pneumonia though I never had that disappearing into the mattress feeling that I experienced when diagnosed with pneumonia some years ago. Now that my breathing is so much better and I don’t need to gasp for bbreath as often as I did, I must make sure that I let my doctor know if breathing gets noisy again. I certainly feel better for sure.
A couple of close friends have commented that heart failure seems fatal. It is, but I am heading in that direction anyhow. My heart may be failing, but I’ve grown attached to it. It has so much love, generousity, compassion and empathy to give. I will not give up my ghost easily, but I will do it peacefully. My daughter still needs me and my work here is not yet done, so there will be further blog entries after this one. I just need to tackle that procrastination thing.
Writer and psychologist. My health, a journey with two life shortening diseases 
You must be logged in to post a comment.