X-Ray appointment…

So I have am X-ray appointment in August. They wanted it to be in the next town, but I gave out a little bleat so it’s at my local hospital after all. This is for my hip. Typically, it’s been better since, but an x ray will show if any thing is wrong.

I’ve struggled a bit today with the attitude of an editor. Then I just decided to let go and not worry or care. I am not responsible for his attitude. Once I decided this, I felt the freedom to write a piece and it flowed well.

I found an image today. Here it is:

This is a baby a twelve weeks gestation. I lost a baby just before that. When I saw this all the grief I feel welled up and overtook me. I was so ill when or after it happened and the father behaved, well, as though it never happened.

I named the lost soul John Michael. He was conceived in happiness.

So I tossed some of my roast tomatoes in Singapore rice noodles and a pinch of sea salt with chilli and drizzled some oil. It was great, and some German white wine and then went to meet a friend.

I am finishing my wine now. Feeling a little sad.


Still feeling the effects…

Today my friend down the road took my overnight sleep tests back to the hospital for me. She was later than she had said because she had loaded her washer as it was such a glorious day she wanted to get her laundry out to dry.

Her text came just after I had given up waiting and gone back to bed. I am still weary!!!

My upper tummy muscles and diaphragm area still ache! It sometimes causes me to think I’m hungry. I don’t recall feeling this before, and I did do tummy crunches at one time and lifting my legs in the air (take note, Jim. My core is puny, but not that puny)!

My daughter sent me a text telling me she wants me to admit I need her help. I know, I thought that too. I fell back to sleep for an hour and then replied with what she wanted to here. Yes, I thought so as well.

She arrived here just around 4.20 pm and asked where the test was to take to the hospital. I replied that as she had withdrawn her offer to take it early this morning, my friend had taken it. (Plus, my daughter doesn’t tell me times that she’ll come.)

She sat and I was complimenting her hair when she started an argument. I was very aware that my cleaner was here. So I asked if she would go to the nearby convenience store to get a pint of milk. She came back and put it in the fridge and left.

My cleaner brought me a cup of tea, and his face was dark with anger. I apologised that my daughter had behaved like that.

Now I have a glut of toilet tissue. My daughter dropped some in on Sunday and my cleaner brought some. I ordered a bulk buy online and now will be supplying the residents of my road. They are rationed now because of the Covid19. There are two cases in my wider area. It does make me nervous about using the buses.

I don’t mind dying, I just don’t want to be ill.

My friends’ baby was born at 11.54 am 9 March. I’m so pleased for them. A girl, Willow.

I went to sleep easily, around 10.30 and woke at 11.30. I had hoped it was early morning.

I have started a further declutter. Less is more. And I realised I had badly neglected my houseplants. I am trying to nurse them back to health.


In such pain…

Yesterday evening, two friends came to my home to have dinner with me. Mathew is the friend that picked me up when my trolley tipped up in November. Chrisii and he are having a baby which is due on the second of March.

I had bought some gifts the baby, some soft toys and a thermometer, and light blankets/shawls. She intends to breastfeed, so they will be good for discretion when needed. I didn’t really bother with one, but never actually fed my daughter in public, the most being a small party.

I got the pleasure of feeling the babies heartbeat. It was wonderful. I haven’t felt an unborn baby for so long.

I slept very soundly last night, but woke before six a.m. and knew that was it. Yesterday, a nerve in my thigh bit me three times. Today, it began to hurt at around lunch time, and it’s constancy has worn me to the edge of tears. I have eaten a hot meal and feel a little stronger.

I was rather fazed a short while ago. My phone was going. Message alerts from facebook, and timing the oven.

I came here for peace. For processing some thoughts.

Earlier, I was looking at the harbour and saw a grey horse cantering across it with a rider. It was a moment before I realised this was impossible. Anyhow, it’s a poem in the making.

A friend helped me with the garden yesterday. My neighbours had not only hooked their gates open, but had hammered very long nails under the handle off the bolt as well as above. To prevent me from having access to my garden with a vehicle, or rather, my friend’s van. We twisted the nail upright and closed their gate to open mine.

At times I tremble at what they put me through. But I will not give in to ill-mannered bullies. I will assert myself, as I am not in the wrong.

Thank you for some kind comments in the last week. They mean so much to me. Thank you so much.


Bright sunshiny day…

For those of us with no thanksgiving meal, let us give thanks anyway. If you don’t live with gratitude in your heart, you will never know real happiness.

I spent today with a friend who is blind. He is cheerful and good company. We went for a drink, and then had to find grass for his dog. I actually saw a tiny part of my town I have not seen before. I was surprised. Nearby, are the offices of what was Dorset PCT, whom I used to work for but no longer exists. That brought some very happy memories. Part of the NHS.

This is always going to be a hard time of year for me. My mother’s funeral, my Auntie’s death, the aftermath of my sister’s death. My dog’s death. The brief relationship. I don’t think I would say no to him if ever he knocked on my door. But I would point out who he was before he went off with the woman who says he’s a complete idiot. I know more than he realises.

My closest friends, who live just outside Richmond, Virginia, became grandparents for the second time today. Their son, Michael and his wife, Laura, had their first child today – a boy. I’m thrilled for them, as their daughter and her family are working in Jordan. What a great day to be born.

I have been threatened with legal action by a letting agency because a story about how the wind chimes next door made the national press. People have been contacting them. I made my views on this perfectly clear. I am not responsible for an item in the press. And I remain cheerful. That letting agency is the worst I’ve come across.

If you don’t feel grateful, start with being alive. If you feel suicidal, don’t do it. Things can only get better and they will. You see, hear, walk, run, touch. If yu live with hope, you attract good things. Not karma, but what you sow is what you reap. Sow happiness, and you will happiness. Sow kindness, etc.

W all have days when we feel low, but they go. Unless you have depression. We talk about that soon.