At times I’m suffocating…

My breathing has not got worse since the paramedics came, at least I don’t think so. But I just opened a package that had staples, got a drink, and came upstairs, and my chest felt like it needed to explode in order to let oxygen in.

It is two-three minutes of absolute inactivity, a gasping while no air actually gets in with the gasping. (When the paramedics were nebulising me, I realised I was exhaling with every inhalation. I watched the gas being blown out far more than I took it in.)

No one would have blamed me if I had calledfor paramedics on 999, as I did last time.

I am terrified of being taken to hospital though. I don’t want to be exposed to the bugs in hospital. And my neurological disease gets overlooked.

I am OK now. I could go down and get a drink and come back up, and only be slightly fast in my breathing with some wheezing. It was the fighting with the package that wiped me out.

It’s been chilly here, so last night I felt my bedroom was cold enough when I went to bed. I woke in the night for quite a while. I need my window open at night, no matter how chilly the air.

I don’t have Netflix at present, but I’ve seen photos of Emily Cronin. It really freaks me out and she is my double when I was aged 19/20. It is so uncanny. So startling. I really can’t believe the likeness.

I’m enjoying chatting with my daughter. She is ‘different’ now that she is single. The first 18 months with her boyfriend were ok, but then he totally became rude. I realised very quickly that he had not been taught manners. But it went far beyond that.

I’m just grateful for this time and my upcoming birthday with my daughter. I adore her.

I don’t know if this episode with my lungs is just another infection as I’ve had for the last 18 months, if it’s a winter thing, or deterioration.

I do know that I want to die and go to God. But I’ll miss my daughter.

Mike I thought you didn’t want meto die alone?

One more week of lockdown…

My daughter went back to work yesterday to set up the store in Oxford. She is enjoying her time there, despite this lockdown, and I enjoy sending little gifts. At the end of last week it was the aniversary of when she was elected to the school council, after she climbed on a desk and rapped her manifesto.

That’s my daughter. I am so proud, and love her so much.

I have spent the weekend wondering if I should start another course of antibiotics. I still feel better but I still wheeze after effort. I have a doctor appointment in a week.

I’m disappointed that Ireland lost a rugby match to Englandon Saturday. England’s Jonny May was quite a hero.

I hope people don’t go crazy when lockdown ends. There has been a tendency to be wreckless with other peoples’ health. I feel so sorry for Americans. 13million deaths because Trump ignores it.

I feel I had other things to write, but can’t recall now. Story of my life. I did see a wonderful photo of a puppy named Sprock. So very adorable. He’s getting on in years now.

Despite the libel…

I am so happy to be free of someone else’s dream to make money by micromanaging a group of over 2000 people and growing. It means he gets reads which is how income is earned.

So his long, dense articles get read on average by approx 2000 people. About seven minutes long. That’s huge amounts of money. If I read, I skimmed. There was rarely anything new except commands to do this or the other.

I was publishing elsewhere too. Now I’ve started my own publication. It’s for expert information articles and poetry.

My stats are up since being free of that group. They are similar to before I was included. I am earning more again which seems odd.

Some other libel arrived nextdoor last week from the woman who trespassed in my home twice, was vile about my sister’s death when she was drunk, and cold when Mike appeared in my bedroom at 3am. No concern for me at all.

Nextdoor are angry at Ms Woodhouse and her lies. Her handwriting was immediately recognised. Toxic person.

I’ve had to cut out another friend who contradicted a statement she made, as is her wont, and hurt me terribly by defending unacceptable behaviour by my ex-husband. I was speechless. But spoke to her about it, only to have her say she couldn’t remember what she said.

So out with the old and in with the new. I have a much better friend just round the corner. She appreciates me and is kind and caring.

I am recovered from the food poisoning. It was ghastly. At first I thought I was about to die and then I was afraid I would not.

Once all the violence is over, the relief is huge.

I am drinking more than eating and that’s ok. My daughter made two pizzas for me last night and some laundry for me.

I need to sleep . My garden is lovely, I adore it.

A lovely Sunday…

I have had a great day. Sunny, warm and my garden full of bees and birds. The birdcover has recovered from my previous neighbours’ destruction.

My daughter came and we sat in the sun, and she helped me put heavy stuff in the garbage.

She knelt to tend some plants and it reminded me of when she was eight and loved to water the plants and sweep the path. We made pizzas but she felt a bit off colour so I had twice as much dinner as usual.

She is finding lockdown hard. I am writing, so am doing my passion. I suggested she choreograph some dance.

My hip was biting as we came in. I almost fell twice. It’s so haphazard.

I have an editor who is crushing me. Pulverizing me. Let him. I don’t listen to lies.

I have had an intruder in my garden. It’s a bit disturbing but I’m ok.

I thought about talking to my daughter about the hospice but decided to leave it today.

I must take my outdoor broom to a friend.

Welcome to my new followers. I realise I haven’t done this for far too long.

Sleep, glorious sleep…

Last night I slept like a log. I woke early, fiddled on some work and went back back to sleep.

I slept through three phone calls and roof repairs . I feel so different. Recharged.

I am giving English as a foreign language lessons to a neighbour. I so enjoy it. We have fun. I let him set the agenda quite a bit and teach him idioms, slang, and proper words and sentences too.

He makes good progresss.

Maybe I slept better because I poured my heart out to a friend of Mike. I told him all about the alcoholism. I worry so much about him.I don’t know if I’m indifferent or hate him. I loved him as I never loved anyone before.

So, I am considering linking with the local hospice so I can stop my lung medicine and slip away. My daughter has the opportunity to go elsewhere for six months after this is over. When that will be I don’t know.

I cannot live without seeing the sun in winter.

And Michael Ebsworth repeatedly crooned I’m never going to let you die alone. You and I are all I care about now.

Still feeling good…

It has been Mothering Sunday here. My daughter came over with plants for my garden and chocolates.

She made some great choices, and I’m very pleased and happy. She loved my hair too, so that was really nice to hear.

It has been sunny all day and I was sitting in the sun when she arrived. It so wonderful to see her in sunshine.

I found this, which I wrote about my Dad, 8 years ago.

Saw my Dad today, as it was his birthday yesterday. He was shuffling (but I’m hoping he was tired) and clutching my hand for dear life. (My right hand under his elbow and my left holding his left hand.) I tried to be more helpful when we reached his armchair, but he reacted with fear, verbally and physically. So I moved the chair to him. I am learning new thing about my Dad, or seeing them from another angle. His acceptance of his fear, his patience. That my hero is now slowly dying and needs me in a different way. He is courageous as ever, and I cry, for when I was dying, he carried me

I remember that day.

It’s now evening and I still feel like I want to be somewhere. I feel so good.

Recovered but disappointed…

I am no longer exhausted from the respiratory tests I had done. I do feel like I did 100 tummy crunches though. There’s a mild ache in my diaphragm area.

I’ve been supporting some friends of mine who are about to have a baby. She started labour on Friday evening, and progression has been painfully slow. She is exhausted from contractions which are very mild and too far apart. They have visited the Maternity Unit daily since Friday to get pain relief but it doesn’t last for long. I am hoping she will be induced tomorrow, otherwise she will be too exhausted for labour.

My daughter crept into my house this morning and left toilet tissue on the landing. I was so disappointed that she hadn’t let me know she was here as the sleep breathing test I did needs to be returned before 5pm tomorrow. I messaged her and she said she would pick it up. Except she didn’t.

I have had to ask a friend to take it for me. I am devastated. I cannot rely on my own daughter.

I cannot describe how I feel.

A hospital appointment that exhausted me and still no help…

This morning I went to the respiratory clinic to have tests done to find out how my ineffecient my lungs are and what gases are left in my blood.

The technician was so sweet. She warned me I would get tired and I should say when I had enough.

The first thing was to take blood from my ear. Yes. My ear. This is done by warming the ear with hot water, so scientific, and getting enough blood onto a card in a machine within a minute. After a minute the machine resets and they have to start again.

So, both my ears donated blood, the second after a third technician came to help (a trainee was there). By the time they were done I was claustrophobic and over-stimulated by the lights and discussion. I was so aware of my introvert preference.

Then I had to breathe into a tube. Normal breathes, big breathes out. It was exhausting. Then I was taken to a bigger room and did more forced breaths into a different machine.

My arms were tingling, and I wanted to cry.

I’ve been given a contraption to wear on my finger and wrist to wear tonight and tomorrow night. I have to return it on Sunday or Monday and I so don’t want to.

I got some shopping and there was no toilet tissue in the town centre. Panic buying due to Corovid19.

I want to sit on my Dad’s lap. I want Mike as he was during our relationship when he lived next door. I want his hug and conversation.

I had got home when my daughter sent a text accusing me of something I don’t know how to do.

I’ve been wishing she wasn’t born because I think there’s a good chance I might be still married to the man I married. My daughter highlighted our differences. He undermined me, gaslighted me as a mother.

But this is my life and I must accept it.

I’ve been writing on medium.com but realise that the 12-20people who made it a metred pay wall are those who benefit the most.

My royalties were disappointing, but not to be sneezed at.

I am so weary. I could weep.

Comments about my daughter and a lone fig…

Yesterday I saw a friend and she had been shopping with someone else I know. That someone commented on how beautiful the young woman who was assisting was. My friend replied ‘that’s Chrissie’s daughter’… I told my daughter today. She glowed.

My daughter was wearing a midi dress today. It had a split at the side, to just above the knee. She had teamed this with Doctor Martens boots. She looked fantastic. It’s a combination I would never put together at any time in my life. I have always chosen femine looking footwear, and most of my clothes have been fairly feminine. I used to love wearing straight jeans, like Levi 501s, they made legs look endless.

My four year old fig tree, which I planted a year ago, has one tiny fig. This is not the season for figs. They should appear in August/September. My whole garden is in different stages. I have poppies in bud and other plants in flower.

Today, I have had a lot of pain in my leg. Similar to the pain in my arm the other day. That pain is now only in my thumb. It’s strange and so far can only think it’s due to the wind chimes. I also have a slight headache, which might be due to the tea I drank with CBD oil in. Yes, a friend led me astray and took me to a tea shop that specialises in CBD oil. I do have some here at home.

If these pains go on, I will need to see my doctor. I don’t want to. I don’t want any consequences, like investigations.

It’s the Rugby World Cup final tomorrow. I’ll be rooting for England. I was so disappointed that Ireland lost to New Zealand in the quarter finals. Especially as it was Rory Best’s last match. A hooker, he has been captain since Brian O’Driscoll retired. Ireland beat New Zealand in their last two meetings.

It is again raining. We have had so much rain since the Equinox. Rivers and water meadows are flooding.

Today in brief…

Today was my daughter’s 21st birthday. I gave her some very simple silver jewelry, a collar made in one piece of silver which comes to a point about 3.5inches below her neck, and a matching cuff bracelet that can be gently squeezed to fit her slender wrist.

We are going for a meal somewhere tomorrow.

On Saturday I received notification that one of my poems has been accepted by the Alzheimer’s Society for their anthology Memories. I am thrilled about this as this awful disease has touched my life. My Dad had it and I used to care for him.

 
This is a message from an editing suite that I use, and I’m always pleased that I employ more unique words than 97% of other users.
 
  AUGUST 05 – AUGUST 11   Your Weekly Writing Update  You chose such great words last week that you set new personal records in both vocabulary and productivity! Way to boost your skills! Keep up the great work. 

My daughter, with one of her close friends who she met at dance class when she was seven.