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More paramedics…

I miss my daughter. She is in Oxford with her job. I hope she is as happy as she claims.

I miss watching videos in my bed, laughing with the dog as she roughhoused with him. I miss her news every day. God, I miss just setting eyes on her.

I called out paramedics in the wee hours yesterday. I was suffocating. No position relieved it. They came surprisingly quickly considering how busy they are, but the crew had been at the local hospital when they were dispatched.

They used ipratropium only which they are not meant to do, but it fixed me. I couldn’t believe the difference. I still feel better now. I wonder how long before yesterday ipratropium would have benefited me. And I would not have needed to feel I was suffocating so many times when I got myself into the recovery position to make it stop.

I am dying. There is no doubt. It is a long slow death. I enjoy my life mostly. I miss my daughter. It would be so much easier if she were here to smile at me every day.

I am loving my wanderings around the harbour. Finding the ancient woodland. I find healing.

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Riches

For my daughter

If hugs were leaves, I’d give you a forest!
If love was a planet, I’d give you the universe.
If friendship was life, I’d give you mine.

Whatever you need, if I have it, it’s yours
When you speak to me, it remains in my vault

Published in The Lark

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A friend’s birthday and rugby…

Today is the birthday of a great friend who I met when I was twenty. I began to remember again in recent years. Our friendship has crossed continents, countries, children becoming adults, and many other life events.

There is rugby today, England v France. On a website, so I hope this Mac supports it. Another laptop is winging it’s way so hopefully I will be in my zone again soon.

I am still unable to wear my watch due to bruising from cannulas that dropped out. And blood taken. I am discombobulated without my watch. That I never needed to be in hospital is something I need to laugh about, otherwise it’s too hard. It was lovely to be waited on. A change is as good as a rest.

My daughter is coming tomorrow for Mother’s Day. I will happily forsake the Ireland v Scotland if she doesn’t want to watch. She generally does. If the weather is better it might be wonderful to drive somewhere locally to look at a different view.

I did too much yesterday. My hydration suffered. I must not do this again. I need to follow my own advice.

The sun is shining. The wind is cold. A good day lies ahead.

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A lot of you visited, only one clicked ‘like’. Merry Christmas…

Please click ‘like’ when you visit me. It means a lot.

Today is Christmas and my birthday. My wonderful daughter was here from Oxford.

It was so great to see her, to be in her presence. It’s been a bittersweet day, as she’s told me a lot of mistakes I made. It was painful for me.

No mother is perfect, and we all want to protect our children from hurt. I never set out to hurt my daughter.

It’s a minefield out there.

I’ve been wheezy most of the day.

I wonder why I wasted my health on the people I did. Especially my ex-husband. He has become the most difficult person in my life. We were friends for a long time but now that my health is poor, he stays away and couldn’t care less.

I pity him. He thinks his perceptions are truth. In fact, he’s never put any belief in me but makes it up as he goes along.

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Thank you to all of you…

I am always amazed at how many of you read my blog each day. I know it’snot always the same people, but you are in almost every country in the world.

I want to wish you all a happy Christmas time wherever you live, and may peace be within you.

I am still very tired, but the sun is bright. I’ve had good wishes from many people. My daughter will be here soon, and that’s all that matters to me just now.

Sending you all my good wishes.

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At times I’m suffocating…

My breathing has not got worse since the paramedics came, at least I don’t think so. But I just opened a package that had staples, got a drink, and came upstairs, and my chest felt like it needed to explode in order to let oxygen in.

It is two-three minutes of absolute inactivity, a gasping while no air actually gets in with the gasping. (When the paramedics were nebulising me, I realised I was exhaling with every inhalation. I watched the gas being blown out far more than I took it in.)

No one would have blamed me if I had calledfor paramedics on 999, as I did last time.

I am terrified of being taken to hospital though. I don’t want to be exposed to the bugs in hospital. And my neurological disease gets overlooked.

I am OK now. I could go down and get a drink and come back up, and only be slightly fast in my breathing with some wheezing. It was the fighting with the package that wiped me out.

It’s been chilly here, so last night I felt my bedroom was cold enough when I went to bed. I woke in the night for quite a while. I need my window open at night, no matter how chilly the air.

I don’t have Netflix at present, but I’ve seen photos of Emily Cronin. It really freaks me out and she is my double when I was aged 19/20. It is so uncanny. So startling. I really can’t believe the likeness.

I’m enjoying chatting with my daughter. She is ‘different’ now that she is single. The first 18 months with her boyfriend were ok, but then he totally became rude. I realised very quickly that he had not been taught manners. But it went far beyond that.

I’m just grateful for this time and my upcoming birthday with my daughter. I adore her.

I don’t know if this episode with my lungs is just another infection as I’ve had for the last 18 months, if it’s a winter thing, or deterioration.

I do know that I want to die and go to God. But I’ll miss my daughter.

Mike I thought you didn’t want meto die alone?

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One more week of lockdown…

My daughter went back to work yesterday to set up the store in Oxford. She is enjoying her time there, despite this lockdown, and I enjoy sending little gifts. At the end of last week it was the aniversary of when she was elected to the school council, after she climbed on a desk and rapped her manifesto.

That’s my daughter. I am so proud, and love her so much.

I have spent the weekend wondering if I should start another course of antibiotics. I still feel better but I still wheeze after effort. I have a doctor appointment in a week.

I’m disappointed that Ireland lost a rugby match to Englandon Saturday. England’s Jonny May was quite a hero.

I hope people don’t go crazy when lockdown ends. There has been a tendency to be wreckless with other peoples’ health. I feel so sorry for Americans. 13million deaths because Trump ignores it.

I feel I had other things to write, but can’t recall now. Story of my life. I did see a wonderful photo of a puppy named Sprock. So very adorable. He’s getting on in years now.

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Despite the libel…

I am so happy to be free of someone else’s dream to make money by micromanaging a group of over 2000 people and growing. It means he gets reads which is how income is earned.

So his long, dense articles get read on average by approx 2000 people. About seven minutes long. That’s huge amounts of money. If I read, I skimmed. There was rarely anything new except commands to do this or the other.

I was publishing elsewhere too. Now I’ve started my own publication. It’s for expert information articles and poetry.

My stats are up since being free of that group. They are similar to before I was included. I am earning more again which seems odd.

Some other libel arrived nextdoor last week from the woman who trespassed in my home twice, was vile about my sister’s death when she was drunk, and cold when Mike appeared in my bedroom at 3am. No concern for me at all.

Nextdoor are angry at Ms Woodhouse and her lies. Her handwriting was immediately recognised. Toxic person.

I’ve had to cut out another friend who contradicted a statement she made, as is her wont, and hurt me terribly by defending unacceptable behaviour by my ex-husband. I was speechless. But spoke to her about it, only to have her say she couldn’t remember what she said.

So out with the old and in with the new. I have a much better friend just round the corner. She appreciates me and is kind and caring.

I am recovered from the food poisoning. It was ghastly. At first I thought I was about to die and then I was afraid I would not.

Once all the violence is over, the relief is huge.

I am drinking more than eating and that’s ok. My daughter made two pizzas for me last night and some laundry for me.

I need to sleep . My garden is lovely, I adore it.

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A lovely Sunday…

I have had a great day. Sunny, warm and my garden full of bees and birds. The birdcover has recovered from my previous neighbours’ destruction.

My daughter came and we sat in the sun, and she helped me put heavy stuff in the garbage.

She knelt to tend some plants and it reminded me of when she was eight and loved to water the plants and sweep the path. We made pizzas but she felt a bit off colour so I had twice as much dinner as usual.

She is finding lockdown hard. I am writing, so am doing my passion. I suggested she choreograph some dance.

My hip was biting as we came in. I almost fell twice. It’s so haphazard.

I have an editor who is crushing me. Pulverizing me. Let him. I don’t listen to lies.

I have had an intruder in my garden. It’s a bit disturbing but I’m ok.

I thought about talking to my daughter about the hospice but decided to leave it today.

I must take my outdoor broom to a friend.

Welcome to my new followers. I realise I haven’t done this for far too long.

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Sleep, glorious sleep…

Last night I slept like a log. I woke early, fiddled on some work and went back back to sleep.

I slept through three phone calls and roof repairs . I feel so different. Recharged.

I am giving English as a foreign language lessons to a neighbour. I so enjoy it. We have fun. I let him set the agenda quite a bit and teach him idioms, slang, and proper words and sentences too.

He makes good progresss.

Maybe I slept better because I poured my heart out to a friend of Mike. I told him all about the alcoholism. I worry so much about him.I don’t know if I’m indifferent or hate him. I loved him as I never loved anyone before.

So, I am considering linking with the local hospice so I can stop my lung medicine and slip away. My daughter has the opportunity to go elsewhere for six months after this is over. When that will be I don’t know.

I cannot live without seeing the sun in winter.

And Michael Ebsworth repeatedly crooned I’m never going to let you die alone. You and I are all I care about now.

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Still feeling good…

It has been Mothering Sunday here. My daughter came over with plants for my garden and chocolates.

She made some great choices, and I’m very pleased and happy. She loved my hair too, so that was really nice to hear.

It has been sunny all day and I was sitting in the sun when she arrived. It so wonderful to see her in sunshine.

I found this, which I wrote about my Dad, 8 years ago.

Saw my Dad today, as it was his birthday yesterday. He was shuffling (but I’m hoping he was tired) and clutching my hand for dear life. (My right hand under his elbow and my left holding his left hand.) I tried to be more helpful when we reached his armchair, but he reacted with fear, verbally and physically. So I moved the chair to him. I am learning new thing about my Dad, or seeing them from another angle. His acceptance of his fear, his patience. That my hero is now slowly dying and needs me in a different way. He is courageous as ever, and I cry, for when I was dying, he carried me

I remember that day.

It’s now evening and I still feel like I want to be somewhere. I feel so good.

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Recovered but disappointed…

I am no longer exhausted from the respiratory tests I had done. I do feel like I did 100 tummy crunches though. There’s a mild ache in my diaphragm area.

I’ve been supporting some friends of mine who are about to have a baby. She started labour on Friday evening, and progression has been painfully slow. She is exhausted from contractions which are very mild and too far apart. They have visited the Maternity Unit daily since Friday to get pain relief but it doesn’t last for long. I am hoping she will be induced tomorrow, otherwise she will be too exhausted for labour.

My daughter crept into my house this morning and left toilet tissue on the landing. I was so disappointed that she hadn’t let me know she was here as the sleep breathing test I did needs to be returned before 5pm tomorrow. I messaged her and she said she would pick it up. Except she didn’t.

I have had to ask a friend to take it for me. I am devastated. I cannot rely on my own daughter.

I cannot describe how I feel.