I am now depressed and somewhat angry…

My fatigue and muscle ache after the tests at the hospital have morphed into a depression. The longer I felt unable to go out, the more I became afraid to go out. I missed a poetry event which is a really bad sign. I haven’t got dressed for two weeks.

My wrote to the council to ask what behaviour of mine has caused my neighbours to blame me for their move.

I am told I have reported their everyday business to agencies and named them in my blog.

Firstly, I have not reported their everyday business to anyone and secondly I do not give my address in my blog or even the town where I live.

If their name appears anywhere, no one can identify them and further no one is interested in them.

I am angry because ‘reporting their everyday business to agencies’ is libel. I am tired of libel against me,

Because I’m an at risk group with Corvid19, I am beginning to feel isolated and lonely. I do like my own company but there is a limit before isolation takes hold.

My cleaner came today. He works so hard and is loyal. I asked him to plant my plants and tomorrow I will water with liquid seaweed.

Today has been our warmest day so far. I turned my timed heating off. It will stay off unless we get another cold spell.

The pain in my hip has gone again, thanks to meditation. I see my meditation on pain as prayer.

I have forgotten to mention that the pain I used to get in my shoulder and arm have gone.


Why men get erectile dysfunction…

Sadly, some men think that erectile dysfunction comes with aging. That is such a lie, developed through men talking to men and not seeking help.

The most common reason that a man fails to achieve an erection is deep unhappiness. I don’t mean depression here. I mean a deep unhappiness in their life for any number of reasons. It could be something that stems from childhood, a miserable relationship, no job satisfaction. An unhappiness they barely recognise because it’s so deep they can’t name it.

The second most common reason is depression. You may think deep unhappiness and depression are the same. They differ in that depression can be treated, but deep unhappiness may never be resolved. For example, I have deep unhappiness that my family decided to live in England. It doesn’t stop me being happy.

Next is depression. The feeing of despair, hopelessness and that nothing can be put right. It takes a while for anyone to realise they are depressed and sadly men are far less likely to get help than women. If they do get help, it is likely that anti-depressants will cause erectile dysfunction.

A third reason for erectile dysfunction, which often is a consequence of the first two, is consuming too much alcohol. Men who drink too much will not have a satisfactory sex life. They will fai to achieve an erection, and be very unsatisfied.

Erectile dysfunction is one of the first signs of consuming to much alcohol. They will initially think there is another reason, or keep believing there is another reason. They wil experience ‘black out’ and not realise it. That is to say, they have no memory of what they were doing. When alcohol consumption reaches this point, we call it alcoholism. Alcoholics often don’t realise they have a problem. They may have a job, make decisions, think they have a good relationship, but they do thing in blackout, that are unacceptable or even criminal, such as sexual assault, speeding, criminal damage,and so on. In this case, erectile dysfunction is the least of their problems but they will fixate on that being their only problem.

A lot ofmenmay encounter temporary erectile dysfunction due to illness or injury. Grief and other emotions can make temporary problem, but it is important not to become anxious about this. Everything will normalise if they are in a loving relationship. It just takes some patience and understanding. There are many ways to be be intimate without an erect penis.

This is by no means a detailed look at this subject, but it is useful overview.


When everything sucks…

I feel very, very sad and hopeless today. In truth, the feeling has been growing for some days. I haven’t wanted to go out and today I sat inside while friends finished putting up fairy lights in my garden.

When I was younger and felt so low, I believed things would get better. And they did. I was able to make changes to my life.

With my health as it is, there aren’t many things I can change, apart from my attitude. And right now that seems a monumental thing to do. I have confessed how low I am to a friend, which is something I guess.

I need shopping but haven’t had the mental energy to go get it. I’ve gone to bed early because I want the security of my duvet around me. I don’t want to wake up in the morning.

Yes, I am missing my car. I miss the sponteneity of going somewhere that it gave me. The bus station sometimes scares me with all the crowds and noise.

I should be glad that I received an email telling me another of my poems has been published. I simply feel relieved that I don’t need to look for another publisher.

It might have started when I asked a friend if she would like to meet up and her reply was curt because, I found out later, she had an emergency. She can’t think of anything I can do to help. I’ve just set myself up for more rejection by asking another friend to meet up.

You see, my two best friends died of cancer. I am friendly with everyone but I need to ‘click’ with someone before I feel there is a true friendship. And those people are usually far away, I discover after having met them at some event.

I am missing my dog so much, it is inexpressible. I realise how much time we spent together, how much I talked to him and I miss his utter devotion.

The loss of my sister last Fall is still huge, and I long for Dad. I feel so alone, even when I’m with people.