I am in such pain throughout my body…

Last week a guy offered to garden for me for nothing. He wanted to garden for anyone for nothing. That he was coming by train bothered me, so I said I would reimburse him. He declined, so I gave him a bag full of eco friendly toilet roll, which is larger than a regular roll. And he asked for my wine barrel water butt. I told him it was rotten but he wanted it, so he got it.

He had said he would come again to plant. I have quite a few plants that have been given to me by family and therefore are important to me. His friend came with a large car and took stuff to the dump. I paid her for her petrol. Later, I was told the dump charged them. I said I would repay. He did not come to plant as he said. He told me he would come today instead.

I thought of all my plants waiting in the garden. I replied to him that I was confused because he said he was working for free. For everyone. Turns out he makes $110 a day. I don’t get that per week.

So he was stewing at his end, I was uncomfortable as I knew something was wrong. Instead of cancelling with me then, he waited until yesterday. I might have been able to plant some plants by then. As it is, they are still unplanted.

I am racked with pain from watching him slander, and invent things about me on a community website. And of course, people lapped it up.

My neurological disease, by definition, reacts when I’m distressed. I can barely move. All because a guy chose to break his word.

These days, it seems people’s word means nothing. Mine does.

I am not well…

Earlier I found I had run out of a medicine. It was past business hours. I figured I could phone the pharmacy in the morning. Then I remembere my daughter is in Oxford and can’t get it for me.

I’ve just asked a friend because I already feel strange. I will be dizzy in the morning. I thought I had this organised. I thought this was not going to be an issue anymore.

This kind of unwellness is so unnecessary. My every day is enough to deal with especially in this freezing weather.

I am tired. I am tired of my mistakes which cause me distress, and inconvenience others.

I don’t like to ask favours of others because of what happened with M.

A New Year, just the next day…

I have put some time between new year’s eve and now, or rather, God has. I am still not relaxed, but I am doing better than I was.

Thank you to those who have expressed concern and care. I will respond when I feel able.

I woke this morning at 5.15 and knew that sleep would not return to me. I wrote a complaint to the hospital about Dr Davies. You know, I have noticed that surgeons generally have consistently more compassion than doctors. I think there is something about seeing a patient vulnerable, lying on the gurney, that makes them feel something that some doctors don’t become capable of. So far, I have not encountered a surgeon who was lacking human warmth. I realise now, I’ve only encountered two surgeons, but my first, the Professor, who is sadly now deceased, had a team of registrars and junior doctors who were all lovely. Wait, I think there may be a third, the guy who diagnosed me, but I was too ill to notice.

So, my complaint – I told how I was only asked about now. I was not asked any of my history. This was a first. Dr Davies was entirely uninterested in how my respiratory problems started. Or how it was at the beginning. He was only interested in right now. That is strange. And he wants me to have tests that will cause me pain and distress. I am not about to have a baby. No this is the twenty first century. I can have tests without pain and distress. Medicine has progressed that far.

In my complaint, I also mentioned my state of mind when leaving the hospital and when I got home. I cannot allow anyone else to go through what I went through. I have a role within the local NHS Foundation Trust. I need to fulfil that role. I’m firstly human. I have a duty to other humans.

I haven’t yet attempted to approach my daughter. It is too soon. I have messaged her boyfriend, and asked him to google two of the medicines I need, because their side effects are costing me my identity as me. I can become a argumentative person if someone gets under my skin. It doesn’t happen often, but it has happened most with my daughter. Because we are close.

So, I am not yet physically at peace, but my mind is getting there.