A lot of pain lately…

Some weeks ago, my rib cage fell onto my hip. My spine is that weak. It was agony- I cannot describe it. I called for an ambulance and I won’t go into the hell they put me through. A private company helping out the NHS.

I saw a locum doctor at my surgery and he was helpful. But then the pain caused me to fall and I bruised myself badly. I made another appointment with the same doctor but he was unwell. I saw a permanent doctor who checked my breathing, which I knew was good. She advised me to take my mild pain killers. She ignored my concerns about my neurological disease, which is progressing.

So I am left to look after myself.

It has been hard to manage the house with such pain. Ribs typically take 6 weeks or so to heal. I had to ask Martin to leave as his lying and alcohol abuse became too much.

The night before last, I woken at midnight by banging on my door. I made my way down, feeling terrified. I found two police trying to deposit Martin’s bike and trolley in my hallway. I was furious at them and told them that he had not lived here for two months.

I fell over because I sleep heavily and am on painkillers. I hurt my elbow very much, cut my lip, and banged my knee. The female officer was so stupid she gave me a damp wad of tissue to staunch the bleeding of my lip. Wet stops the blood from clotting. I used the dry part.

I took their collar numbers and made complaints. But mainly, I’m in even more pain now.

I’m glad that when I went for groceries, I bought myself some flowers. They look lovely. I can see them while I type. I am meeting an old friend next week for lunch, so I hope my lip recovers.

The pain now in an elbow, a knee, my lip, as well as my ribs is a lot to cope with. I’m glad I picked up a bottle of wine too.



A poem

Photo by Boxed Water Is Better on Unsplash

October ends my grief for summer
It heralds cold weather and darkness
Some days are sunny and mild
No playing conkers as I did as a child

This year the trees are still green
September was wetter than most
but the clocks will fall back
short days start and end with black

An in-between time for me, then
neither warm but not yet truly cold
will I feel the seasonal sadness
I would give it up with much gladness

Transition is this month for me
hoping still some flowers to see

Published in The Lark



So quickly Fall fell into place
no sunny days in September
bright skies here and there
between days and days of rain

Only now days are dry but grey
and in a while winter will hold sway
the leaves are turning, gold and red
no sun to highlight their hues

Melancholy is my mood
I try to slumber longer hours
Pandemic causes more time alone
trying not to wander far from home


Falling over…

I just took some recycling out to the blue bin. I used my trolley, and forgot to turn it off and part of my touched the reverse gear so I lay flat on my back. I wasn’t hurt but lay there for a moment to get my bearings. I half wondered if someone had seen me as I flipped my skirt down to hide my knickers.

I got up, finished putting the recycling in and went to water the garden. I am thrilled that some of my tomatoes are changing to an orange colour. So I took some more leaves off, to encourage more of this and then I found I have some blueberries on my little bush. They won’t ripen for ages, but it’s a joy.

My strawberries are getting beautifully red, so will go out with a bowl tomorrow. And there are more blooms so another crop will follow. The figs are growing but so is the tree, I suddenly have more branches and leaves. In the autumn I need to prune it hard.

I am writing this early as I feel tired. The weather has been windy and grey. They forecast rain tonight and tomorrow but I’m not relying on that. They’ve got it wrong so many times.

My left foot is painful at times. I saw some socks called Dr Soothers. Said they take away pain and improve circulation. What I imagined I don’t know. They are compression socks without toes. When I finally managed to get one on, it felt very strange. I wore one to bed and took it off as soon as I woke. As the day went on my foot felt better and better. I was surprised, but pleased. I will wear it when ever my foot feels achy or painful. (During the night.)

It’s been lovely to watch Test cricket highlights on terrestial TV. I love cricket. England v West Indies is always good. Brian Lara, W. I. legend, retired the summer my daughter was born. Her father and I talked about asking if one of his jackets with his surname on it was available, but we never got around to it. She has plenty of other places and music etc famous for her name.

At the weekend, over 100 hundred people looked up my blog on their browser before 9am. These figures aren’t unusual, but that early in the morning is odd. I’m given up being freaked out by the numbers who visit here. I’m doing nothing wrong.

I’ll relax now. Kick back and enjoy the evening.


The storm never arrived and has gone away…

So the storm sat outside the harbour and left. My handyman fitted the outdoor tap and watered the garden for me, took the recycling out and made me a cup of tea.

He’s not just multi talented, he’s Pete Lambert.

My daughter came and made dinner, then she washed up and then she finished the first coat of paint on the second gate. She tidied my towels and generally was great as usual.

She’s not just a daughter. She’s my daughter.

So I found a photo of an old friend and me at a rehearsal dinner in Richmond, Virginia. I put it on a shelf and found it was moving away from me. Just as I realised I was falling, I whacked my back on the footpost of my bed and then landed already in pain, and more pain on landing. I was winded. Which is frightening. I was once with someone who was winded after falling of those bridges that are slats on a single rope. You have to move fast. I knelt beside him saying Breathe calmly but firmly and it helped him, he told me.

I was on my own as my daughter was in the garden painting and I didn’t know she was there. I ended up fighting to get air in, and managed to pull myself up to kneeling. My back felt numb, but finally air got in my lungs very painfully and then I was hyperventilating.

The rush of oxygen to my brain was freaky and made me nauseas. The nausea was overwhelming. I pulled myself up and onto the bed and found my cell and called my daughter. I heard it downstairs and could work out why she didn’t come.

I tried to do all the right things to slow my breathing. The nausea was so powerful. Then I started wheezing so got my pink inhaler which was the first revolution in improving my breathing. And I still feel gratitude to Michael for lending me his once and that got me onto the best inhaler.

It’s ok. He used mine too. And had to come round once because I had run out and was waiting for an ambulance. I took the puffs I needed and his voice is always calming, except when he wants to be unkind which really doesn’t suit him because he is kind.

Any way an ambulance came and they weren’t NHS. No difference in quality but it’s not right.

She checked my back and confirmed I’d probably winded myself and confirmed all I’ve written above. She was full of vivacity and distracted me in a rather lively way, which was different. But really ok. She said a rib might be bruised or cracked. I’m going to be in pain tomorrow.

I’ve taken a painkiller. She wouldn’t drop a vial of morphine on the pavement. Meany. So I’m having a smidge of gin and bitter lemon to synergise with it.

A friend’s dog died. She is in bits, and reaching out to her has caused me to start sobbing about O’Driscoll.

And today I wrote an article about how I was not damaged by my narcissist mother by being handed to my grandmother because I would not feed from my mother.

How my sister, being older was already damaged, but my identity was formed in good nurturing during the first five years of my life.

I will post it here soon. It is elsewhere for the time being. And I am not allowed to post it elsewhere for a certain time. Different publishers have different policies.

I am ok. If I think people will worry I can’t write here.


A bad fall, and other adventures…

And really uncomfortable for anyone!

Today was my bus journey to my medical. I got on the correct bus, but then got off one stop too soon. I know the area, as I used to drive my daughter to dance lessons around there. I went along some back lanes and found it with 5 minutes to spare.

So much for my angst.

When I came out a slight shower had started, but I decided to come home through the park, which is beautiful and very famous. So the shower stopped, and I enjoyed doing some window shopping. As I came nearer to the park, I realised I was near some friends I hadn’t seen in a while. I turned into what I thought was their road, but I would learn that I was at the back of their house. So I tried knocking on their back door and there no reply. I didn’t want to disturb other people, so I started to go back the way I thought I had come. I came to a steep incline with a very low kerb, so I started up it cautiously. But my mobility scooter tipped over, and therefore so did I.

My head hit the ground and the back of my pelvis took a bang too. My instinctive thought always is I don’t want an ambulance. I started calling out for help. I was amazed at my lung power. My friend heard me and came running, calling my name. He picked me up and took me in a hug, while I just shook and kept saying Matthew, Matthew. Another man appeared and helped Matthew pick up mobility scooter (I call it my trolley).

I was taken in for a cup of tea. Matthew asked if I was concussed, so I said no, holding up one finger and said ‘Do you see five fingers too?’. I’m not concussed although a mild headache has set in. Matthew Bolt has seen me in several states of unwellness, and he is always great.

This evening I realised that my mothers funeral was seven years ago. I asked my school friend to make floral tributes from my Dad and from my sister and I.

Here are the flowers from my Dad.

My parents didn’t always have a happy marriage. My mother enjoyed being an officer’s wife, and missed the income after my Dad left the S.A.S. She would criticise him in front of my sister and me. I once saw her go at time with a knife. He protected himself with a chair. I often wished they would divorce.

I don’t miss my mother at all. When I heard she had died, my first reaction was death was relief. I had cared for her when she had a significant stroke, a year before her death. At first she was kind and complimenting me, but as the week went on she became less kind, and back her critical self.


I’m much better…

Over the last week I’ve been expressing how tired I’ve felt. I think a lot of it is my neighbours’ wind chimes which cause me agony. Then my gastic problems flared up for a bit, and so I bought some hydration tablets.

These have the electrolytes we need to stay energised and feeling in charge of ourselves. I added one to some juice and the next day I felt so much better. It really did the trick.

We often think of sleep as the cure to tiredness, but sometimes we need to take stock of what’s going on with our bodies. If we take time to think about our immediate health, we often find the clues.

If you are someone who runs a lot or works out in some way, drinking semi skimmed milk beforehand will prevent dehydration. Milk and Coca Cola rehydrate you faster than water . But drinking plenty of water is really the best thing.

I fell in my garden yesterday. I was knocking black bugs off my birch tree, as tripped, scraping skin from my upper arm, cutting the inside of my elbow. My inner elbow is very bruised now and the area on my upper arm is still very painful.

I feel good though. A fall like that only robs me of an hour. I have been planting and dead heading. My birch tree will also recover.