I managed to speed up my prescription…

After my horrendous night, I knew I could not face another. I sent an email to my doctors practice and then went there on my trolley. Having purpose took my mind off my body. A receptionist told me the prescription would be with the pharmacy later. I y then rang the pharmacy, and yes, they had it.

I tried to phone Martin, a friend who had offered to go for me, but there was no answer. So I set off to get there myself. It was spitting with rain and growing dark. The traffic was building up. I just kept going although a lot of the time I felt afraid.

The pharmacist handed me a small bag. I asked if my key medicine was in it. She said no, it would be done in the morning. I replied that I had only come because they had told me it could be dispensed then. She was very kind and filled the whole prescription.

Coming home was darker and scarier. Where I live is so quiet. Every strange sound made me jump. Every shadow made me aware of how vulnerable I was.

I got home and took my meds. After a while I began to feel the beneficial effect of the meds. I was so relieved.

I again pulled weight on my bed cover. It comforted me. I slept fairly well. Today, I have felt fatigue. My vagus nerve is traumatised. It has been for some time, years.

I am so grateful that Martin phoned just as I had taken my meds. He had come to my house and found me not there.

I am grateful to the woman who was also in the pharmacy. I am grateful to all my friends.

Mostly, I am grateful to God. Without him I would despair. But I wish my spirit would weaken.


Earth Day…

Photo by Valentin Antonucci on

Yesterday, my garden was finished. I have such gratitude for my garden. It is peaceful even though one can hear children playing, the occasional lorry at the roundabout 200 yards away.

So my garden celebrates Earth Day with me. I rejoice in nature as it reminds me of the splendour of God. All those intricate patterns on leaves. On flowers. On the birds that feed at my feeders and seek worms in the soil.

It is magical to me. I take rest there. I snooze there. I read there. A garden is healing to the soul like a drink is refreshing to the body.

I hope you have enjoyed Earth Day and find ways to lighten your tread upon this planet.


The air is like syrup…

Nietzsche is probably my least liked of the philosophers, but this is one of my favourite phrases. So many people have no joy in their lives, no sense of purpose or value.

Even when I am low, and I can tell you honestly I can get very low, I know that my life is purposeful. Meaningful.

I had an encounter with God that changed my whole life. Mike once said to me I couldn’t be a Christian because I hesitated in saying I am. I hesitated because I don’t associate myself with people who go to a building on Sundays and behave like anyone Tom, Dick or Harry on the other days. Like the vicar who behaved so disgracefully when my sister died. Or people in church who swindle people selling cars. I’ve seen it all. I prefer to call myself a believer. I believe in God by conviction, and it changes how I think about life, and death too.

My collection of poetry is out. My editor, C T Meek says of it that I am unflinching and use gossamer thread. That is a compliment I value. The book is dedicated to my sister, who died so horribly, and embraces political issues, nature, war, love, grief, the whole of life really.


I was interviewed…


A very painful night…

I omitted to say, yesterday, that my poem was published by Poetry Bar. It was written in August.

Yesterday, a girl who was giving me help was incredibly rude to me. It came out of nowhere, and shocked me to the core. My mood flipped into negativity and adrenalin flooded my nervous system.

I managed to counter the negativity. Adrenalin, however, is my worst nightmare. It provokes muscles spasms that are part of the disease that struck me down.

I spent the whole night writhing with agonising muscle tension. It made me very aware of the bruise on the back of my pelvis. My shoulders were tortured, my arms, my legs, and especially my spine. Every muscle was fighting with my body. It was the worst night of my life in years and years.

I am very tired, I ache, and I plan to sleep. I cannot allow this to destroy my well-being any further. I feel so isolated though, as I seem to be the only person in the country living with this disease. This is what scares me. There is no research going on. There is no medicine that helps me.

I put my trust in God. Darkness lasts for a night, but joy comes in the morning.


Not well on this journey

Near where I live

Photo credit: unknown

A few moments ago I was thinking about God and prayer. I was thinking about all the wonderful friends I have who pray for me. Friends I’ve known a long, long time. And I thought how God can be thought of as breath in that we do not see him and yet there is evidence of him all around us.

Breath is the first action we make arriving in this world, and our last action as we leave it. Breath is vitality, it is the core of our existence and life. When breathing is impaired, we are dis-eased, not ourselves, and have less well being. So breathing is directly connected to our spirit/soul. When our lungs are diseased our whole life is threatened.

Before my last sentence I went to a neighbour where I knew a friend was doing some gardening. It did me good, some conversation, someone else’s achievements and point of view. The neighbour has recently moved in and it’s very enjoyable to watch the progress. She has finished the painting and awaits her possessions to arrive in June. I am trying to influence her to get rid of astro turf which was there when she arrived. It supports no wildlife of any sort, not even an ant.

I am passionate about conserving our insects, pollinators, and natural habitats. I am against corporate big business and the stripping of forests, wetlands, meadows, etc for the sake of money. We are part of this planet and yet we have almost finished destroying it. Please don’t use plastic, reuse what you can, repurpose it or give it away.

You can follow my passion for conserving nature by following me on Instagram, @purbeckpoet.

I am not confident that I will stay out of hospital this time. I have to trust God and I know my life is safe in his hands.