Nietzsche is probably my least liked of the philosophers, but this is one of my favourite phrases. So many people have no joy in their lives, no sense of purpose or value.
Even when I am low, and I can tell you honestly I can get very low, I know that my life is purposeful. Meaningful.
I had an encounter with God that changed my whole life. Mike once said to me I couldn’t be a Christian because I hesitated in saying I am. I hesitated because I don’t associate myself with people who go to a building on Sundays and behave like anyone Tom, Dick or Harry on the other days. Like the vicar who behaved so disgracefully when my sister died. Or people in church who swindle people selling cars. I’ve seen it all. I prefer to call myself a believer. I believe in God by conviction, and it changes how I think about life, and death too.
My collection of poetry is out. My editor, C T Meek says of it that I am unflinching and use gossamer thread. That is a compliment I value. The book is dedicated to my sister, who died so horribly, and embraces political issues, nature, war, love, grief, the whole of life really.
I omitted to say, yesterday, that my poem was published by Poetry Bar. It was written in August.
Yesterday, a girl who was giving me help was incredibly rude to me. It came out of nowhere, and shocked me to the core. My mood flipped into negativity and adrenalin flooded my nervous system.
I managed to counter the negativity. Adrenalin, however, is my worst nightmare. It provokes muscles spasms that are part of the disease that struck me down.
I spent the whole night writhing with agonising muscle tension. It made me very aware of the bruise on the back of my pelvis. My shoulders were tortured, my arms, my legs, and especially my spine. Every muscle was fighting with my body. It was the worst night of my life in years and years.
I am very tired, I ache, and I plan to sleep. I cannot allow this to destroy my well-being any further. I feel so isolated though, as I seem to be the only person in the country living with this disease. This is what scares me. There is no research going on. There is no medicine that helps me.
I put my trust in God. Darkness lasts for a night, but joy comes in the morning.
A few moments ago I was thinking about God and prayer. I was thinking about all the wonderful friends I have who pray for me. Friends I’ve known a long, long time. And I thought how God can be thought of as breath in that we do not see him and yet there is evidence of him all around us.
Breath is the first action we make arriving in this world, and our last action as we leave it. Breath is vitality, it is the core of our existence and life. When breathing is impaired, we are dis-eased, not ourselves, and have less well being. So breathing is directly connected to our spirit/soul. When our lungs are diseased our whole life is threatened.
Before my last sentence I went to a neighbour where I knew a friend was doing some gardening. It did me good, some conversation, someone else’s achievements and point of view. The neighbour has recently moved in and it’s very enjoyable to watch the progress. She has finished the painting and awaits her possessions to arrive in June. I am trying to influence her to get rid of astro turf which was there when she arrived. It supports no wildlife of any sort, not even an ant.
I am passionate about conserving our insects, pollinators, and natural habitats. I am against corporate big business and the stripping of forests, wetlands, meadows, etc for the sake of money. We are part of this planet and yet we have almost finished destroying it. Please don’t use plastic, reuse what you can, repurpose it or give it away.
You can follow my passion for conserving nature by following me on Instagram, @purbeckpoet.
I am not confident that I will stay out of hospital this time. I have to trust God and I know my life is safe in his hands.