Some thoughts…

I have just beenwatchingt

I have just been watching the most beautiful sunset I have seen in weeks. A ferry, all lit up, came in the mouth of the harbour. I am so fortunate to have this aspect from where I write. It is perfect for the winter solstice. It is perfect in summer.

I have just read an article on medium.com. A man writes that life is not for happiness, but for being useful to others and that in being useful, happiness is found.

I have written this many times, and it is refreshing to read someone else writing it.

I have felt a great many things since the diagnosis which affects my breathing. I have felt so unattractive, helpless, frustrated, all of the negative feelings a person can feel. All these, though, resolve into knowing that I have helped a great many people during my life.

I am grateful for this. I may never be happy again, or loved, but I know I have helped people.

Still grateful…

I found another paragraph I wrote five years ago. It was a year of stresses, as my daughter sat major exams and I had to have the ceiling in her bedroom replaced.

I am grateful for those people who I do not know personally who always return my smile. In the street, or a store, a garage etc. I am grateful for the help of strangers at times when I have needed an ambulance, a phone call made, an extra penny, directions or a bed to sleep in.
I am grateful for the wonderful people who help care for my Dad. They help give me peace of mind and hug me when I have tears.
I am grateful for my GP. He is one in several million and has taken the time to understand the rare disease that has caused so much distress. He is always compassionate, understanding and helpful.
I am grateful for certain people who know who they are who have been there for me in times of breakdown, grief, heartbreak and anguish. They have my unconditional friendship.

Today I went out for some air and odds and ends. I happened to drop a loaf of bread. One lady stopped to tell me I had dropped it and gave me advice, another lady picked it up for me. You can guess who I felt gratitude towards.

I’m very grateful that Ebsworth did not stay. I only saw brief glimpses of the man I’d begun to fall for, but that man was kind and thoughtful and showed me a lot of kindness. I’ll always be grateful for that. I was vulnerable after my Dad died and stricken by the death of my sister, and then my beloved dog a week later. Although, conflicting, is that he was able to sexually assault me. I wish I’d never withdrawn the complaint.

When it is worse than I thought…

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I think I left my last blog feeling depressed and describing the side effects of the medicine that has kept my breathing easy and without symptoms.

So my tummy pains increased and my mood was strange and I became tearful. A friend took me to her house down the road for an hour and we had a cup of tea and a chat, I began to feel more in charge of myself so I came home to bed.

I got little sleep, one of the side effects of my magic medicine, and woke still with an uncomfortable tummy, but feeling somewhat better. I ventured out to get some snacks but had to borrow some money from a friend as I could not find my purse. This made me scared as I knew the last time I’d got my purse (wallet) out, it was in my bedroom to put a stamp on a letter. I grew more scared as the day went on, but finally found it behind my laptop screen.

I have heard a little wheezing but not enough to need my inhaler yet. But I now carry it around with me around the house in a bag with my mobile phone. So I back to managing my day. Staying calm.

I’ve actually been calm for a long time now. Just one outburst of hurt and betrayal when I got a malicious text from DW and Mike blocked me on Instagram, before we began our relationship.

I still live with the consequences of her crimes and anti social behaviour.

So my doctor will make a home visit on Monday morning. I am so grateful for him. And I’m so tremendously grateful for this glorious evening and my view over the harbour.

Some thoughts…

No photo today;

If you are in a relationship in which your ‘partner’ speaks badly of you, get out. I have heard ”He’s a complete idiot”, ”It doesn’t matter, it’s Mike’s money anyway”. Anyone who has that said about them is not loved.

I’ve had slight breathlessness twice this week. I don’t know why. There was no similar activity, except maybe over exertion. My trolley ran out of battery twice. I’ve realised I sometimes don’t push the charger in far enough. It’s difficult to know when this has occurred. It looks just the same.

I entertain angels unawares. Men who help me beyond my need. I am so grateful. It’s really awesome.

Another day…

Today I am feeling so much better physically. I can tell the antibiotics, the steroids, and rest are working. I feel more interested in life again, but I know I have still a way to go before I am well.

For some reason I found it very hard to sleep last night, despite the new medicine to help me sleep which had worked so well. I’m hoping it was just ‘one of those things’ and that tonight I will sleep well again. It makes such a difference.

I had wanted to start taking the steroids after the antibiotics but then I decided that they must synergise well together. Here I am, feeling the improvement despite losing the morning to sleep.

I am so grateful that my friend, Geoff, installed the ceiling fan in my bedroom. Was it last year or the year before? I can’t remember. It’s wonderful in the heat or when I have a temperature. He will be putting in new light fittings in my dining room and living room very soon.

So why am I blogging so much more frequently now? Maybe it’s because my living situation is coming to some kind of crisis that must be resolved. Or that my health is declining faster than I care to believe. Whatever is going on in my subconscious mind, I no longer have to drag myself here to be so honest with a blog.

He wasn’t content to be a happy memory. He had to come and mess with me. Because he thinks of himself primarily, although when he loved me he was so thoughtful, tender and kind. I think this is all I have to say about him now. Michael Ebsworth is in my past, and unless he messes with me or frees himself from dw, and asks me, that is where he will stay. But I shall pray for him, because I believe we meet everyone for a reason.

The harbour is grey now, although earlier I was aware of sunshine.