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How Can I Resent That Which Matured Me?

When I look at a road map of my life, I see a pattern. It is not a pattern like on a rug, which is repeated. It is a pattern of seemingly random decisions. But the thread between is learning.

I was born into a bilingual family, of two countries. My Dad was in the SAS, an elite group of soldiers. I am the second child, and was fortunate that we moved in with my grandparents in Germany soon after my birth.

I was unaware for a long time that my sister had already been destroyed by my narcissistic mother. My Oma and Opa were my primary carers so I thrived, emotionally and physically.

When I was five we went to England with Dad’s posting. I pined for my Oma and Opa and struggled to adjust to my mother.

I did well at school. I was bright. I was athletic. I was pretty. Boys were sweet on me.

I realised after some time that an injury was not recovering. That I was limping. Nothing was found to be wrong. My limp persisted and I began to write with my right hand. I was referred to a psychiatrist.

Two years later I underwent four experimental brain surgeries.. Conscious. I was left with akinetic mutism.

Six years it took me to learn to speak clearly. My vocal chords have never recovered.

My mother refused to support me through college. She did for my sister, who became a nurse.

I took a well paid job and went to college one day a week. That is to say I completed a full college course by attending once a week.

Two years later, I attended a uni which had a very positive ethos. I gained confidence, a sense of identity, some goal in life that was not yet defined. On hearing a certain lecture, I knew my path lay there.

I knew my path lay there

So I moved to Southern California to do my Ph.D. What I learned there is priceless.

Do I resent my mother? Oh yes, I did. But no longer, because I had to detach from her at age 15.

I cannot allow resentment to steal my power. To poison my love. To contaminate my relationships.

I cannot be a good mother if I have resentment.

As for my illness, I resent that people have no idea of the trauma I have gone through. resent that no one knows that I cannot control the volume of my speech; an irritation can at times make my voice rise, depending on other factors. No doctor I meet has ever heard of the disease. I am, as far as I can tell, the only person in the world with this disease and the intervention of brain surgery.

I resent it because I am now suffocating to death. Slowly. But surely. My lungs are impaired. I resent leaving my daughter. I resent not having ensured I have someone to love me until I die.

Unless people read this, they won’t know this. I live outwardly, even though I prefer to introvert. I introvert while planting in and tending my garden. Or while preparing a meal. I read, I watch rugby passionately, I photograph birds, flowers, animals.

My home and garden are my sanctuary, tastefully decorated. I have my loved friends. My Dad died in my arms, my sister too, of sepsis.

Anger, resentments that reside within? No room here.

Published in Know Thyself, Heal Thyself

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Sadness Brings Us Closer To Ourselves

Our souls are expanded by experiencing difficulty. Whether one calls it the soul, the heart, the mind, or the spirit, humans grow as they encounter the trials of life.

Long before Freud, Jung, or any other psychologist, Rainer Maria Rilke, poet, said;
“That is at bottom the only courage that is demanded of us: to have courage for the most strange, the most singular and the most inexplicable that we may encounter.”

He wrote this in a letter to a young man in 1904.

Poets by nature reflect on many things in life. My journey in this world has shown me the suffering of others and the difficulties they face.

I have worked in countries where children die of curable diseases because rumor are spread about vaccines being some kind of western poison. In some countries, like India for example, a visit to to the doctor is incomplete if they do not leave with medicine — most commonly antibiotics. This is tragic as we become immune to them and we can die of sepsis because of the immunity. That is a terrible death.

Seeing such mysterious beliefs and so much poverty, has caused great sadness. I embrace it because I am human and thus have compassion. Sometimes, all we can do is sit and experience sadness or grief, hurt, or rejection. This is the expansion of our soul.

When we do this, we begin to know ourselves

This increases our empathy for others. We gain insight to the human condition beyond our own. We become better humans. Better poets.

We do not need to hold hold onto these feelings forever. We heal, we are heard, mostly, and we can find solace in nature, gardening, walking, or making things. Knowing ourselves.

But our souls are expanded. Enriched. We gain wisdom from our experiences as well as our education and reading. We learn to make sense of our lives and the world around us. We have self-knowledge, and therefore we are of more value to the world, even though many may walk away from our growth.

Published in Know Thyself, Heal Thyself

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Coming Closer to Our Souls

Our souls are expanded by experiencing difficulty. Whether one calls it the soul, the heart, the mind, or the spirit, humans grow as they encounter the trials of life.

Long before Freud, Jung, or any other psychologist, Rainer Maria Rilke, poet, said;
“That is at bottom the only courage that is demanded of us: to have courage for the most strange, the most singular and the most inexplicable that we may encounter.”

He wrote this in a letter to a young man in 1904.

Poets by nature reflect on many things in life. My journey in this world has shown me the suffering of others and the difficulties they face.

I have worked in countries where children die of curable diseases because rumor are spread about vaccines being some kind of western poison. In some countries, like India for example, a visit to to the doctor is incomplete if they do not leave with medicine — most commonly antibiotics. This is tragic as we become immune to them and we can die of sepsis because of the immunity. That is a terrible death.

Seeing such mysterious beliefs and so much poverty, has caused great sadness. I embrace it because I am human and thus have compassion. Sometimes, all we can do is sit and experience sadness or grief, hurt, or rejection. This is the expansion of our soul.

When we do this, we begin to know ourselves

This increases our empathy for others. We gain insight to the human condition beyond our own. We become better humans. Better poets.

We do not need to hold hold onto these feelings forever. We heal, we are heard, mostly, and we can find solace in nature, gardening, walking, or making things. Knowing ourselves.

But our souls are expanded. Enriched. We gain wisdom from our experiences as well as our education and reading. We learn to make sense of our lives and the world around us. We have self-knowledge, and therefore we are of more value to the world, even though many may walk away from our growth

Published in Know Thyself, Heal Thyself

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Feeling blah…

Sometimes the best bit of posting on my blog is choosing the meme. Sometimes it’s what I want to write about. Sometimes I realise that a lot of people are not interested in growth on their journey through life, not interested in learning or becoming a better person. I have to accept that some people are hedonist, do not contribute to their community, and aren’t even bothered about recycling, the environment, or the effect they have on their neighbours,

I haven’t had a great day. I have felt off colour and slightly feverish. A friend sent a text to cancel our meet up. I asked why, and her reply was that she couldn’t be bothered to go out. I don’t think it occurred to her that this might affect the way I feel. Sometimes, I wonder why we are friends.

I had a telephone appointment booked with my doctor’s surgery. I need more antibiotics in the house after my chest infection. A receptionist had put a note about a painkiller, so the conversation was ended before I remembered the antibiotics… I’m getting used to forgetting the purpose of phone calls. It hasn’t helped my feeling of blah though. I will need to phone back in the morning. If I remember.

I had wanted to go and hear a gig but it doesn’t start until 9.30pm and I think I will be tucked up in bed, putting today behind me.

But I did manage to remind someone that their health is more important than their income.

My day also was vexed by an email from the council asking me to exert my influence over my friends as the letting agent for nextdoor has apparently had some emails about the refusal of my neighbours to move the wind chimes. I replied that I have asked for no retaliation but will not tolerate complaints via the council from an agency that has never censured their tenants for ant-social behaviour and care only about money. That the occupants are knowingly causing me pain so no passing of complaints to me.

I am only a human being. I have forgiven a lot of people a lot of things. But I will not be fed the complaints of the instigator.

Sorry to sound so moany. I have days like this.