Feeling so blah…

I’ve been feeling so unhappy since the autumn arrived with colder temperatures and so much rain. I really enjoyed what I wore during the summer and felt good inside. I liked me.

Since the weather changed I’ve felt so ordinary and with the grinding away at my health of the wind chimes, I’ve begun to feel unhappy. Of course, having a man you thought you loved walk out because he jumped to conclusions doesn’t help, but I’ve seen how incredibly selfish he is and what a drink he is.

On the night of the equinox, I had a wonderful dream: my garden was full of birds again and flowers and trees were growing every where. I was feeling full of anticipation. I have wondered where this dream had come from. Certainly, I had not been full of hope as I had just been disappointed. My laptop had been broken by Ebsworth, and the wind chime is still tinkling away, grating on my brain and nervous system.

Nothing was different, the dream came from somewhere in my subconscious. I am an optimist deep down, even when I lie staring at the wall filled with grief and depression for all the family I’ve lost in the last two and a half years, my dog, my friends. All the friends that I got on with most of all, that ‘click’ when you fit together, have died. I can’t express my loss. I feel it deeply.

I’ve been told my last blog post was angry. I wrote it in a particular tone because I know someone reads my blog and I wanted to be clear. I am rarely angry. Although I have to admit that the wind chimes cause me irritation like few things ever have. Pain has that effect. I am in pain all the time, those wind chimes just don’t quit.

My left arm and leg are filled with pain. My leg at times will not bear my weight so walking becomes a stumble. I have lost some weight because of the spasms, so I’m trying to eat a lot of carbohydrates.

Thankfully, I sleep well most nights. I’m so grateful for this. It’s much needed respite.

Hopes…

I am having my kitchen extended. It will have a cloakroom/wet room at the back. I wanted a range style oven, but realising I’ve only used one when I cooked in a care home, I’ve decided to get a gas hob as I have now and an electric oven.

An American style fridge and slimline dishwasher and more cupboard space will make it great. It gives me hope.

I’ve had so much grief in my life recently that gratitude is my focus. I am still not well, or as well as I should be. My spirit is weighed down and now Mike Ebsworth is abusive to me.

My doctor has suggested that I may have ‘heartbroken syndrome’ – the loss of so many family members’ through death. And my dog, whom I still reach for in the mornings.

Today, I walked with a neighbour and her dogs where I used to walk mine. It’s the first time I’ve been there since O’Driscoll died. And I’ve begun to stroke the dog of a friend in the last couple of weeks.

I am so grateful for the people in my life. Those who were fake and betrayed me are best out of my life.