All is well, but dying is exhausting…

The person I angered has forgiven me. He came home, and we ate together as if nothing had happened. This morning I laid my head against his knee and played with my hair. He held me, and I laid my head on his shoulder.

I don’t have an infection. Why my breathing is noisy is inexplicable to me. I keep leaking fluid and wet myself too.

My specialist is in charge. My family doctors completely failed me.


Trying to relax…

Moths over Las Vegas

Paramedics have just left. I feel buzzed by the nebuliser. I had two. Salbutamol and and another which has a name I don’t recall. They hadn’t encountered me before and her wish to convey me to A&E was making some of my symptoms worse.

They were both kind, though and she relaxed a bit. That helped me. Now I just need to relax so I can sleep.

I had actually delayed phoning for paramedics all afternoon. But I realised that I would not be able to sleep.


Back to Microsoft and an infection…

It’s such a relief to be able to do the things I need without frustration, as I finally have been able to afford a new laptop. I can now fluidly move from tab to tab, copy and paste easily, edit easily and so much more. There are things I like about OS – it automatically detects that you are typing in another language, and corrects a spelling error automatically whilst here I get a red line under the word as well as auto correction, depending on where I am writing. It’s nice to get weekly feedback on my productivity to. I don’t worry about being told how many errors I made – that’s why I use this.

I can upload my photos too. And put them where I want. I’m sure OS does that too, but I never had time to learn.

I am grateful that my lovely daughter lent it to me though.

I have another chest infection. I was surprised and yet not. My breathing has been rubbish since I had my vaccine, but I felt too unwell with all the pain and fever that I just kept using my inhaler. This morning I felt like nothing at all was going to my lungs. Worse, I could barely breathe out. I did all the usual things, inhaler, airphysio, and my turmeric, ginger, and lemon tea. That is a real help when I have it every day. I somehow got out of the habit.

I called out paramedics, who arrived in minutes. They checked my sats which was 91, not great, and I had a mild temperature. I hadn’t noticed this, although I did by the time the paramedics left. They gave me oxygen, and told me to start antibiotics. And steroids. Well, I had already taken one. Eight tomorrow morning and until I run out. I will take eight for a week and then take fewer for a while.

They made me a cup of tea and went on their way. I am about to send my thanks.

I am still getting back ache, and pain in my side. It’s not terrible, but it gnaws at my resilience, which is not strong at present.

I am so glad I’ve only smoked at parties or with a friend. Smokers are being killed by Covid-19 like swatting flies. I don’t mean to lack empathy, but smoking leads to no good and I don’t understand why people start now. Like in the last decade. Also, being inactive increases the probability of death.

I’ve never been any of the above, and yet here I am, a former junior champion at sprinting, horse rider, cyclist, and dancer.

Health is so valuable. Health and good friends are our most precious gifts, and good family too. You can’t choose your family, but I really appreciate my daughter and cousin. I have family in Australia and Germany too, but I can’t travel like that anymore.


Two days with insanity…

I am recovering well now after a nasty chest infection/pneumonia. I’m also feeling better after some insanity.

My ex was here for Christmas along with my daughter. He told me he would get me some groceries on Boxing Day. I phoned at around midday to say what I would like but he did not arrive. It was fairly ok, as I spent a long time napping and resting, and drank more milkshakes.

Today, I felt a bit hungry, so I sent a text to my ex. After a while I phoned. It gradually dawned on me that I was repeating a behaviour and expecting to get a different result. This is also known as insanity. So I phoned a friend who works near the High Street, and this led, in a roundabout way, to another friend offering to bring my groceries tomorrow as he and his family are out of town until the morning. It’s cool. I’ve eaten some cake and as my tummy has shrunk anyway, I’m not particularly hungry.

Why is my ex like this? I cannot explain. There are things I could say, but I know that there are some people who know him who read this, and it wouldn’t be fair. He is practicing a twelve step programme and failing miserably. And that causes misery to those who know him. And I should know better than to trust him, because what seems a good idea to him on one day may well be a very bad idea to him the next. This is what he has become, in one way or another, since we divorced. We used to be able to meet for a coffee. Not anymore.

Physically, I am much better to day than I was yesterday. My temperature has gone, my tummy has settled, and since arranging my groceries, I am now calm and cheerful. I will have a relatively early night. Yesterday evening, my body was achy and tired, but that has passed.