When I had a consulting room, I often saw a couple or one of a couple saying that sex had gone out the window after, say, fifteen years of being together.
I always found this sad as the best sex is when you really get each other, when you are friends. Not when you are starry eyed first in love. That is when we explore and say we are pleased when maybe we are not.
So you made it as a couple for years but if you are not touching each other as you pass in the kitchen, cuddle as you watch TV, can’t wait to share your day with your partner, then sex becomes infrequent and eventually non existent. Don’t let this happen.
The secret to whether your sex will last is if you cuddle after sex says Emily Nagoski, Sex Educator at Smith College. If you cuddle intimacy is sustained and you will look forward to your next sexual communication.
A healthy sex life long down the road is about the pleasure of each other’s skin touching. It is emotional presence for each other. Being fully present, attentive, communicating.
Hurt feelings and resentments prevent good sex. Deal with minor conflicts quickly. Keep short accounts with each other. Don’t go to bed angry at one another. We can’t last with make up sex.
If you are a serial monogamist or divorcee, examine how you approach sex and intimacy. No one dreams of being a third or fourth wife/husband. It happens, but something is missing.
Beware of casual misogyny; ‘life’s a bitch’, life is like a BWA — a beautiful woman with attitude.
Such sayings have no place in the mouth of a good man.
Women, you need a Good Man.
So much depends on men. How they are raised, who they hang out with, whether they watch porn. No teenager learned anything good from pornography.
Don’t watch it together. It has no place in your sex life.
So the secret to lasting sex lives is skin touching skin. No resentments and no misogyny. Here’s to your good sex life.
Published in Shelter Me part of The Good Men Project
Writer and psychologist. My health, a journey with two life shortening diseases 