Strange times…

England has just back stepped in it’s opening up of the economy. I think this was inevitable. One cannot pretend a virus is ‘under control’ while there are still infections occurring. Indeed, people are still dying of Covid 19 here. This is not a second wave. The first wave is not over.

For the last ten days or so, I have woken thinking I have Covid 19. Whether this is becauseof dreams, or because I wake with a dry throat, I don’t know. I think my dry throat or sore feeling is the chronic fatigue that I get once or twice a year.

I started this summer waking very early and not sleeping well. Now I don’t wake early and find it hard to get out of bed. Sleep comes more easily, but is reluctant to leave. My mornings are sluggish and reluctant. Next week I have an X-ray appointment before noon. That will be a challenge.

My late mornings correlate directly with the loss of seeing the harbour from my bed. For fifteen years I have only had to rise on one elbow to see the vista of the the water and boats. I can still see the harbour but have to leave my bed. It is no longer my constant companion while writing or thinking. Daydreaming.

It is a bereavement, a grief, and one I feel keenly. If I am struggling this much now, how much more worse will it be in winter? It is unimaginable. And yet I have my garden. It bearsfruit. I have just picked and eaten my second fig, and tomorrow’s is marked out. They are so refreshing, so sweet, so unimaginably good. There are strawberries and tomatoes waiting, blueberries ripening. And my flowers. My trees.

So, there are many not as fortunate as I am. Counting my blessings and gratitude for what I have is my strength. It keeps me going in hard times when my mood is low.

My only regret in life is that I married the man I did. But then I wouldn’t have my daughter. I often think of dropping the name Brady, but the expense and inconvenience are too much.

My pain is manageable. Most days I have none and then my hip will start to hurt. That is manageble. Meditation and prayer take it away.

I am aware of my body though. There is always a sensation somewhere. And I know I look different and I wonder how many men would talk to me if I didn’t.

We need to stop putting the economy ahead of human lives. This virus kills and when it doesn’t it can leave nasty side effects for life or a long time. This will be with us for a long time.

Still not great…

Today is a better day, although I can’t say it’s been good. It’s pouring with rain and the wind is estimated to be around 80mph. They reckon a month’s worth of rain will fall this weekend.

I feel for the people in flood areas. Techically, I am in one, and I’ve had lots of flood warnings by phone. But the waves won’t reach me. The harbour wall was raised last summer, so now when one is out on the Quay there is a low parapet along the edge, instead of a drop into the sea.

Earlier, I realised I’m due at the theatre tonight. I thought it was in March. I don’t mind braving the elements, but I’m in no mood. On the other hand, it’s music I love, and seeing people, both of which are healing.

Also, I can get cash and some food. The pros outweigh the cons but I feel so ick and bleeeaaaagggghhhhh. As Snoopy might say.

I got some housework done, and ate something. The first I’ve eaten since Thursday. I find it hard to eat when someone spews anger over me. Someone phoned me about that, and I was aghast that the angry person had lied about several things in the last few months. I hate losing faith in people like this.

I will tell the truth to my own hurt.

My daughter came at some point. She helped with a few tiny things around the house. She did not present her best self, and said some hurtful things.

I just got an email to say one of my articles on medium has been curated. That means a publisher on medium has published it and now I am one of their writers. Live Your Life On Purpose publishes articles about slices of your life and how you live it on purpose. Not just going one day to the next, only having a job to pay the bills. Having no resilience or passion.

Meditation still works for the nerve in my leg. I have pain elsewhere, and I have a skin condition that is weeping.

Ireland won! again…

I love it when Ireland win. As a team they are so connected, no one player trying too get glory. Johnny Sexton is a great captain, and it shows with two very comfortable wins.

I had an unexpected nap just before the match. The nerve in my thigh made it’s presence known so I lay to meditate and found myself falling asleep. I heard the postman knocking, but hey I was pain free and relaxed. I didn’t answer.

I’ve been reading a lot on medium and started to think I have nothing to offer, but I got rid of that mindset. Really, there is no use in comparing oneself to others. We are all unique.

I roasted some food in the oven, and took one lot out and came upstairs before remembering the other lot. This is what I try to avoid. Anyway, it came out well, after I got my breath back. I need to be more mindful.

If you were reading my blog this time last year, you will know I spend my time being as efficient as possible. Since I started taking a medicine, I don’t need to be as careful but I still find wasted journeys tiring.

Yesterday, I took a birthday card and gift to a friend in my road. She wasn’t there, no car, no dogs barking. I sent a text asking when she would be back. I got a reply timed after 11pm saying ‘back from where?’. This annoyed me. I told her I had gone to her house yadayadayayada and I couldn’t tell her where she had been. I took the gift and card today and left it inside her side gate. I’ve had no response.

Why do people text so late? I don”t mind if it’s a lover, but a friend should know better.

The pain in my thigh stayed away, which is encouraging as meditation is free, and has other benefits too.

Did you see the moon? Still bright tonight, although a storm is moving in.