I am in such pain throughout my body…

Last week a guy offered to garden for me for nothing. He wanted to garden for anyone for nothing. That he was coming by train bothered me, so I said I would reimburse him. He declined, so I gave him a bag full of eco friendly toilet roll, which is larger than a regular roll. And he asked for my wine barrel water butt. I told him it was rotten but he wanted it, so he got it.

He had said he would come again to plant. I have quite a few plants that have been given to me by family and therefore are important to me. His friend came with a large car and took stuff to the dump. I paid her for her petrol. Later, I was told the dump charged them. I said I would repay. He did not come to plant as he said. He told me he would come today instead.

I thought of all my plants waiting in the garden. I replied to him that I was confused because he said he was working for free. For everyone. Turns out he makes $110 a day. I don’t get that per week.

So he was stewing at his end, I was uncomfortable as I knew something was wrong. Instead of cancelling with me then, he waited until yesterday. I might have been able to plant some plants by then. As it is, they are still unplanted.

I am racked with pain from watching him slander, and invent things about me on a community website. And of course, people lapped it up.

My neurological disease, by definition, reacts when I’m distressed. I can barely move. All because a guy chose to break his word.

These days, it seems people’s word means nothing. Mine does.


A fairly good day…

Today I planted some some plants that had arrived at the end of last week. I did get them outside in the rain on Sunday evening. They weren’t particularly thirsty but every drop helps.

This is for the raised bed I made. I am beautifying the other side of my garden. Pete has come up with plans that will save me having to pay to go to the dump.

I gave some neighbours a bowl of my tomatoes. I hope they enjoy them as much as I do. It’s such a good feeling to give home grown food away. I found out at the weekend that a community garden has been started nearby. I will pop along some time.

I have been editing. It is so tiring. I got some eye drops for tired eyes. I should wear my glasses more often.

I received my copy of Locked Write Down today. It’s always a rewarding feeling. I only know one of the other poets included in it. His poem is very fine.

My hip has played up a few times today. Last night when I went to bed I could feel the nerves right down to my ankle. It’s very odd. I wonder what the x-ray will show.

Boris Johnson has arranged for cycling to be prescribed on the NHS. This is good in principle, but one must cycle fast enough to raise one’s heartbeat in order to get fit or fitter. Just ambling to work to to the shops is not enough. One would need to take a change of clothes to work to make it work. I know people who do this. Walking is the same principle, as with any exercise.

And he goes on about a second spike of Covid-19 but we’re still in the first wave. Oh dear. Not listening to the science.



The whole thing with the poor young woman has caused me to reflect. I understand that she feels she loves him, the bloke who punched her face. It will take her a while to realise that love has no forms of violence or attempts at violence.

I had to end my marriage because there was violence towards me. He never punched but threw me to the floor a couple of times and would hold me down, and other things that left no marks.

It took a long time to feel life was OK without him. I had children to look after so my time was full. Now I can’t bear his company.

Violence is never OK. Even attempted violence or words of violence.

Some plants arrived today. I am creating a new flower bed. It will mostly in shade so lots of silver and variegated foliage.

I enjoyed strawberries on my breakfast and the tomatoes are getting redder. It feels good.


Weird things and no closure…

So I wrote two posts thinking that only people logged in to WordPress would be able to see, but no, it turns out they have to be logged in to my account. So that didn’t work and someone asked twice to be let into my account…

Here’s atcha, willowdaydreamer, whoever you may be.

I wanted to stop the trolls from nosing at everything I write. This isn’t really that interesting.

I slept late this morning after waking early. I had coffee again. It’s so nice to enjoy it again.

My left hip has really been troublesome today. It feels like it’s numb, and this travels down my leg, but my sciatica has a sensation too. After 5pm it became hard to walk, but I planted a plant and checked my strawberries. A large crop is coming in the next week. I’m looking forward to that on my muesli. Or porridge.

I haven’t needed to water as we have rain on and off. It’s spitting now, and a storm is brewing very close by. Soon it will pour.

I’m glad because I forgot to water my hanging baskets whenever I last watered. I must remind myself to do them. They are filled with perennials as I don’t do temporary plants. Some will start trailing soon. They should look good.

On Wednesday night I slept well after eating an entire carrot cake. I started with a slice and then had two. And the rest is history.

I am planning a cheesecake for my daughter’s birthday. I bought chocolate biscuits for the base. I need to think about this, but see no reason why it won’t work. The base is simply smooshed biscuits with melted butter and chilled.

I might grate chocolate on the top. I’m thinking of using juice of orange to set it. Orange and chocolate go well.

I’m bothered about my hip. It catches me unawares. It seems to function better if I ignore it, but that isn’t always possible. I don’t see what can be done though.

This morning I disturbed a cat in my garden. This vexed me. Then I found lots of white feathers on my path. I’m thinking these belong to a seagull, so I’m not too upset. I just don’t want a cat in my garden.

My cousin phoned. We laughed. Mostly at the absurd in our lives. Laughing is such a gift. I’m glad every time I laugh as it is good for my soul and my body too.

I’m aware I have no closure on the man who nine months ago crooned over me that he would not let me die alone and that he only cared about me and him from that point on.

It’s a strange place to be. No closure.


Still feeling good…

It has been Mothering Sunday here. My daughter came over with plants for my garden and chocolates.

She made some great choices, and I’m very pleased and happy. She loved my hair too, so that was really nice to hear.

It has been sunny all day and I was sitting in the sun when she arrived. It so wonderful to see her in sunshine.

I found this, which I wrote about my Dad, 8 years ago.

Saw my Dad today, as it was his birthday yesterday. He was shuffling (but I’m hoping he was tired) and clutching my hand for dear life. (My right hand under his elbow and my left holding his left hand.) I tried to be more helpful when we reached his armchair, but he reacted with fear, verbally and physically. So I moved the chair to him. I am learning new thing about my Dad, or seeing them from another angle. His acceptance of his fear, his patience. That my hero is now slowly dying and needs me in a different way. He is courageous as ever, and I cry, for when I was dying, he carried me

I remember that day.

It’s now evening and I still feel like I want to be somewhere. I feel so good.


It’s cold again…

Today has been a better day. A friend I see maybe four times a year messaged me to see how I was doing with the self isolation. I was really appreciative as our last messaging was slightly tense. I told her my appreciation,,

Tomorrow I will visit my friends who had their baby a week ago. I am looking forward to this. babies always bring joy. My poor friend started a slow labour on the Friday, but her waters did not break until the Monday morning. She was already exhausted but fortunately had an active labour of only four hours.

I took a while to get to sleep last night but then slept well. I had opened my window earlier. The fresh, sea air is good for sleep.

Today was cooler, which spoilt my plans. I had asked my cleaner to plant the plants that have been sitting on my patio for quite a while. I went to release some ladybirds and saw that some remained unplanted. I was breathless so came in to rest and went back to plant them and water them in.

My garden is full of spring. There are flower buds on my greengage tree, and my birch and fig tree have leaf buds. I saw that finally one of my bird feeders is almost empty so I shall fill it tomorrow. This brings me so much joy.

It is wonderful to be in my garden without the horrible noise of the windchimes. I had almost forgotten what peace is.

My planned poetry events are cancelled due to the corona virus. It’s a relief, as I won’t have the dilemma of deciding whether to go or not.

I do want to see my godmother. I have friends I’d like to see.

Have any of you got to self-isolate? I’d love to hear how you are coping with it.


Some sleep…

I finally got sleep. I admit that I drank some wine with my dinner which helped but it was good sleep. I feel better for it.

The storm is gone and this morning I heard birds singing in my garden for the first time in nine months. I also heard the wind chimes nextdoor. I hear them all the time.

Today I acquired an acupressure pen. You touch it to areas where you get pain. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I have to say that my pain is much less since I started meditating on it.

Yes, we had our fourth storm in a row. Everywhere is underwater. The wind was growling around my cottage. I still need to plant my plants.

There is still no building going on opposite. My complaint is at it’s second stage.


A very difficult day…

Today I made a complaint about not being consulted about the building project. I had registered my objection when it was listed at no.7 on that road, but no-one informed me when it changed to 6/7.

My objection is possibly still valid. I don’t know the law on planning. No work has gone on today. They say they only consult neighbours but no neighbour will be affected. Only I am affected.

I have found today very trying. I cried this morning after I spoke with a case worker at the planning office.

Then someone came, and I had just settled down to write when there was someone at the door. It was the postman, who said he had lots of packages for me. I suddenly felt overwhelmed and asked him to bring them in and help me open them. He asked me something, which sparked a nerve and I exploded at him briefly.

I felt so ashamed. Two medicines that I take affect my mood and temper. I am normally easy going and happily peaceful. I hate myself when I feel overwhelmed and then react badly. It isn’t me.

So I am waiting to hear what happens about the building. And waiting for John, the postman, so I can apologise.

My packages were mainly plants. So I transfered them to the garden and planted most of them. The rest will hopefully go in tomorrow, even if the storm comes.

I need a downpour to be out in. I love storm.


Some great news and my garden…

I went to get some shopping earlier and as I came out of my gates I saw that my neighbour’s gate next to mine is gone. Yes, gone!!!!

The gate is gone!!!!!!!!

I laughed out loud. I felt such relief. I also confess to some pleasure that the miserable spirit that was so determined to get his way, has had his nose punched, so to speak.

I did write to someone in authority yesterday. I don’t know if that did it or if others who use the car park for the sheltered housing had complained. All I know is that my relief is great.

So I celebrated by putting two water snails in my tiny pond, and two water plants. I feel sorry for the snails as they have such cold water. I need to adjust a few things. I have some new plants to plant too.

My fig tree has been in bud since October, so I’m looking forward to see what this year brings. One tiny fig appeared last autumn too. I pinched it off so that no energy gets diverted from leaves and growth.

Oh, I’m so happy about the gate. They won’t be renting space in my head again.

Just a couple of weeks now and the sun will be in my back garden. I can’t wait.


Brain Fog, or my chaotic mind…

I knew that today I would need to get groceries. I logged in to my emails, responded to some and deleted a lot, as right now I have not a lot of time for the campaigns I m involved with. With Trump playing around with war, and another Tory government, I am needing a break.

So I contacted a friend about travel arrangements to a poetry event at the weekend, booked a facial because I deserve it, and went to put on my mac.

I had planned to go to the mini supermarket 250 yards away. Somehow twenty yards out of my gates, I decided to go and buy some plants. So I headed to the local nursery. I met a friend on the way, which was good.

So I bought a rambling rose, and a variegated plant that produces creamy blooms, an ivy from the bargain table, a primrose, another plant I’m not sure of, but it looked interesting, and some stones to prevent weeds coming up.

So my basket was full, to say the least, and my shopping bag contained these stones. But, I don’t like missing opportunities. So I went to the larger supermarket on my way home. My groceries only just fitted into my bag.

I arrived home, and staggered into my kitchen after having deposited my plants in the garden. I put stuff in the fridge and cupboards, and arrived in my office upstairs wiped out. I lay, and used my inhaler, and within 10 minutes.

I need to stick to a plan. I exhaust myself by following an idea that pops into my head, without thinking about it will tire me.

I encountered a rough sleeper on my way back from the nursery. At first, I simply wished him a good day, and then went back and gave him a small amount of money. I understand that their only opportunity to get warm may be an alcoholic drink. He said he didn’t drink, and would get a coffee. A hot chocolate might be better. I went on, and went back again. I offered him a place to shower. He did say he would take the offer. In the supermarket I bought extra bread and cheese, so that he can have hot cheese on toast, if he comes. It’s so quick, hot and comforting, especially if made with butter.

I have locked my back door and hidden the key, as I don’t want him to work out another route to my home. There are kind gestures, and there is stupidity.