Self Efficacy Matters More Than Self-Esteem

In life, we hear a lot about having a good sense of self esteem. Indeed, positive self esteem is of great value. But on what is it built?

Self efficacy builds self confidence. So the more skills in life we have, the more confidence there is.

Efficacy is simply being efficient. If we are brought up learning age appropriate tasks, we have self efficacy. Being able to do most everything around running a home by the time we are moving away from home, we will have the confidence to do it.

This is how I raised my daughter. She learned age appropriate skills as she grew up, including how to cookShe found success in the Duke of Edinburgh Awards as she had the skills she needed do well and lead others as they hiked for miles carrying everything they needed on their backs. She was probably not the targeted candidate, but these long weekends certainly increased her self-confidence.

When we aim at self-esteem, validation is needed. Where validation is required, there are going to be quite a few times when good self-esteem is missing, as we are all human and make mistakes. We can all feel foolish sometimes.

Feeling foolish is handled better by someone with self confidence, whereas another person feels the need for validation again.

People who have self efficacy have self confidence, and that produces good self esteem. We can’t raise a child successfully unless we follow that route. If we concentrate on self esteem only, that adult child will constantly need reassurance. Making a mistake will devastate them, rather than being a point of learning.

We see then that self confidence is far more resilient than self esteem. Confidence can weather the mistakes in life, without needing a posse of validation.

Published in Know Thyself, Heal Theyself


White Flag

So much water from the sky
my flowers are bruised and crushed
flowerbeds are flooded
my tears are disguised
as they mingle

Only the shaking sobs are noticed
convulsing my tiny body which has
withstood too much too soon
the white flag unseen
held tight amidst the downpour

Published in The Lark


Finding Myself

I live my life outward, a choice, as I prefer introversion. I enjoy being responsive to others and being a supportive friend. I am generous by nature, but cannot meet all I would like.

I give small gifts to children I know, and drop a card in to new neighbours to welcome them.

I work from home, for myself, and for the NHS. I love both, and feel appreciated by my colleagues at the ambulance service.

My way to myself, to self-care, to feed myself, is my early rise each morning to water my window box and my hanging baskets which get the most dry. My garden is my me time. I plant, weed, prune deadhead, and water. In dry days, I spend as much time here as I can, whether tending it or being in my swing bench. I designed my garden to be a haven for wildlife.The smell of earth, the fragrance of flowers. Bees drifting…

My garden brings me back to myself: I can forget how gravely sick I am and just be myself. It is free healing and therapy. It is my place for me, and my daughter, and my friends.

Published in Know Thyself, Heal Thyself


I Have Wandered

Many countries are in my passport
many cultures,
 cuisines, cities, mountains
people are in my memories, that I prize

I still wander where the green light allows
refining me, learning, to be better person
this journey is never complete, more

is always welcomed, so that I am full,
wiser, better friend, better teacher
There is no stop sign in my way