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Mid December…

Yesterday the pain in my shoulder was really bad, so I contacted a friend and told him I wouldn’t be able to go with him to an event today. Then last night, I felt so much better I arranged to go again. This morning I woke, did some stuff and then contacted David again to say I wouldn’t be coming after all. I feel rubbish. The irritation on my face has broken out again. I can’t explain how low it makes me feel.

I always do feel blue in the weeks before Christmas, except for when my daughter was younger. I watch the sun rise and set in the same place, and the knowledge that the days will soon start getting longer comforts me.

This time last year, I was grief stricken after the death of my sister, and then my dog. And I was involved with man who would turn out to be the cause of so many negative things in my life. This year, 2019, has been an awful year on the whole.

So I haven’t done anything I had planned this weekend. I had wanted to get German food for Christmas – cakes and biscuits. Traditional at this time of year. I haven’t spoken to anyone except on the phone.

I don’t know if I will post a blog again this year. I just want to spend time with my daughter and friends, my chosen family.

Addition:

I had wanted to write about my ex husband. I don’t want to name him for lots of reasons, but mainly because he has remained single and when I see him looks unkempt.

We married for love, we really did love each other a great deal. Things started to go wrong when I was expecting my daughter. He changed completely. Once he deliberately knocked me to the floor. Thankfully, I landed on my back so Lara was not harmed. Another time, he was cross with me and pushed me onto our bed and started bouncing me up and down. I was terrified.

After our baby was born, he believed everyone’s opinion about babies except mine. And my friends began noticing how he undermined me and my maternal instincts. By the time my daughter was two, I had to divorce him. I did not want my daughter with unhappy parents.

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Another day…

Today has been sunny and cold. Yesterday we had torrential rain and gales. Tomorrow is a full moon.

In fourteen days time we will have two more minutes of light. That is why it was chosen to celebrate the birth of Christ Jesus. It is also my birthday, and since my family stopped returning to Germany for Christmas, I so disliked my birthday until I learned this fact.

That we get two more minutes of light on my birthday makes me feel so much better about a birthday that gets lost in the Christmas celebrations. In Germany, gifts are exchanged on the 24th so my birthday was separate.

I have identified the pain in my shoulder. When I type I rest my arm on cushion, and the pain is like a repetitive strain injury, but in my shoulder. Now that it’s getting better, I can feel the muscles in my shoulder moving. Fortunately, I now only use my laptop for emails, as it is still not working. Everything else I do is on my phone.

So I can reduce the amount of emailing I do, well not really, but I can make more phone calls in reply to emails, unless I want a record of what is said.

I had intended to go to support a friend who had entered a poetry slam competition, last night. The weather was so bad that I could not go without getting drenched. This morning I asked her how it went, and she said she felt it was a popularity competition, more than a slam competition. This is exactly what I had feared. And my friend doesn’t speak with glottal stops, or ain’t and bruvver. and other slang associated with it. I do enjoy slam poetry and know a few people who do it very well. I just tend to think one is good at one type of poetry or another. One day, though, I will write a slam poem just for the exercise. It’s good for writers to move out of their comfort zone. Hang on, writers don’t have comfort zones. We are on the outside looking in.

So, in this darkness of winter, while the sun sets in almost the exact place that it rises, I shall enjoy my sleep at night, and look forward to less pain in my shoulder.