I happen to know of someone who isn’t respected or appreciated. It is said of him, ‘It doesn’t matter. It’s his money’ ‘He’s a complete idiot.’ I was really shocked. To have a difficult time in a relationship is one thing, to let others know there is no respect, no regard, no appreciation is quite another.

I am recovering from the side effects of the ‘magic’ pill that so helped my breathing. My skin has cleared up, I no longer feel depressed or anxious, I am sleeping well and able to rise early. I no longer feel nervous about going somewhere on my own. This is good!

I feel good again. I feel content. I am going to celebrate my daughter’s twenty first birthday with her tonight. I bought her main present a long while ago, and yesterday I got her a mug which says Flawless, a big scented candle which was on sale, an eco bamboo cup with a lid which will fit into her cup holder in her Audi, a bar of chocolate wrapped in pink saying To Someone Special, and a small teddy holding a 21 sign. And a helium balloon.

So no one tell her until she gets here please!

I love buying my daughter gifts. It’s one of the ways both she and I receive love. Both my daughter and I respond to touch and acts of kindness. There are five ways that people perceive love. I can’t remember all of them just now, but we all feel love in those different ways.

Last Tuesday I went to Bournemouth for an open mic poetry evening. I felt ok but I knew my breathing would more problematic for recording, which a poet friend in California had requested. I had reason to go to Bournemouth yesterday and today I feel just slightly achey. In fact I’m desperate for a nap.

I sure wish people would leave comments…


When it is worse than I thought…

I think I left my last blog feeling depressed and describing the side effects of the medicine that has kept my breathing easy and without symptoms.

So my tummy pains increased and my mood was strange and I became tearful. A friend took me to her house down the road for an hour and we had a cup of tea and a chat, I began to feel more in charge of myself so I came home to bed.

I got little sleep, one of the side effects of my magic medicine, and woke still with an uncomfortable tummy, but feeling somewhat better. I ventured out to get some snacks but had to borrow some money from a friend as I could not find my purse. This made me scared as I knew the last time I’d got my purse (wallet) out, it was in my bedroom to put a stamp on a letter. I grew more scared as the day went on, but finally found it behind my laptop screen.

I have heard a little wheezing but not enough to need my inhaler yet. But I now carry it around with me around the house in a bag with my mobile phone. So I back to managing my day. Staying calm.

I’ve actually been calm for a long time now. Just one outburst of hurt and betrayal when I got a malicious text from DW and Mike blocked me on Instagram, before we began our relationship.

I still live with the consequences of her crimes and anti social behaviour.

So my doctor will make a home visit on Monday morning. I am so grateful for him. And I’m so tremendously grateful for this glorious evening and my view over the harbour.


Keeping the Faith…

I’ve been advised to stop taking the ‘magic pill’ for which, a few blog posts ago, I was expressing my gratitude. This is because of my low mood, difficulty getting to sleep, tummy pains and a strange irritation of the skin on my face.

It was the irritation of my skin that caused me to seek help. I went to the pharmacy to ask advice from the pharmacist but found so many people were in there that I felt claustrophobic and I had to leave. Three friends had commented to me that I didn’t seem my usual self, so I looked at the paper inside the box of my medicine. Sure enough, skin irritation was mentioned, sleep disturbance and depression all in the ‘rare side effects’.

This is bad news. If I can’t take my ‘magic pill’ I will experience wheezing, tightness of my chest and may have to call 999 for paramedics to nebulize me.

So at least now I know why I have been feeling so very low in mood. It has been chemically induced. The information sheet actually says ‘suicidal thoughts and actions‘. That is quite scary. I just told a friend that when I was writing a few days ago, I thought to myself what if this tablet is keeping me alive when I don’t want to be alive. That thought scared me, as I’ve been happy until, well until when? When did my low mood first start? I have no idea. I can’t put a date on it but I know I was happy planting my garden. I was happy when I went to read in Salisbury and then in Bournemouth.

As always, one can’t put a finger on when something that is so subtle starts creeping in.

So I will keep the faith with God in whom I’ve trusted for so long and wait and see what happens.