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Sleep My Love

A poem

Photo by YUCAR FotoGrafik on Unsplash

Let me hold you as you weep,
child
, you are too small to feel pain,

Sleep, my love, my arms hold you
now can comfort you, so sleep

In years to come, I can’t protect you
let me take you in my arms, sleep my love

Grazed knees, broken toys, I’ll hold you
I mend, I kiss the wound
, sleep my love

The sound I make soothes you to peace
in time to come, 
I won’t be able to fix it all

Sleep, my love, while you can, in my arms
my heart walks around me inside you

So sleep now, my love, sleep, my love

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The kindness of strangers…

Last night I woke in pain as I had gone round the harbour and got stuck on unmown grass at the end and no one was in sight. I put my trolley in neutral and put the back down on the seat. I laid over it and walked forward and then saw people.

I am grateful for the kindness of strangers. Thank God. But then Martin and I got misunderstanding each other and I got no sleep after 3 am.

I napped today, but no I cannot stand up. I am waiting for Martin to get back from his bike ride.

How much fluid can my body make/? How much can pour from me? I can;t cope…

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After great weather it cooled…

The weather over the weekend was so good. I enjoyed it, although my symptoms are still in overdrive.

Martin woke me really early this morning. He had found the instructions that we needed . I felt so bewildered. He lengthened my day of discomfort by an hour at least. He said I wake him, but he has a tremendous ability to sleep well.

I finally got to speak with a doctor. I had to phone the surgery again. It was torture. I didn’t hear the advice I was given yesterday because of the distress I experienced by calling.

I am relieved that I had a long nap this afternoon. I would not be coping otherwise. Sleep is like gold to me. I need it to have relief from my body as well as to refresh my mind.

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Last night was weird…

Late yesterday afternoon, I decided to take a bath. I was feeling tired mentally and felt it might refresh me.

I felt almost unable to get undressed. That seemed to exhaust me. I enjoyed cleansing my body, though and got rid of the last few cut hairs after my hair appointment. My hair does look great. I take my hat off to my new hairdresser. She is very very good.

Out of the bath, I couldn’t decide what to wear to bed and my breathing was noisy although I felt I was suffocating. I felt like I was barely here. I can’t explain it.

I felt nervous about going to sleep. I felt I would not wake up. Then I stayed up too long and could not sleep. I fell to sleep around 3-4am and was woken by my phone. My friend in Malaysia had got the time difference wrong. It was 5.55am. I managed to drift back to sleep, that half-waking and sleeping which I really love. The radio was on and I enjoyed what I heard.

I have written today and feel like I have done a lot, except I haven’t really apart from enjoying the afternoon.

My breathing remains noisy and very shallow. I had a CT scan on Friday. It went ok.

I felt appreciated today. I’m grateful for that. The light in the afternoon is markedly longer now. Soon the sun will reach the back garden. There are shoots coming up, daffodils, and snowdrops. Such a thrill.

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Continuing to recuperate…

I continue to feel better. Last night I had my first meal. My friend got me some pasta, so I made some carbonara. It felt good to eat.

I am resting a feeling better. I feel almost my usual self again. I can sleep as normal now. Mostly, I am back to normal.

I am so grateful.

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I managed to speed up my prescription…

After my horrendous night, I knew I could not face another. I sent an email to my doctors practice and then went there on my trolley. Having purpose took my mind off my body. A receptionist told me the prescription would be with the pharmacy later. I y then rang the pharmacy, and yes, they had it.

I tried to phone Martin, a friend who had offered to go for me, but there was no answer. So I set off to get there myself. It was spitting with rain and growing dark. The traffic was building up. I just kept going although a lot of the time I felt afraid.

The pharmacist handed me a small bag. I asked if my key medicine was in it. She said no, it would be done in the morning. I replied that I had only come because they had told me it could be dispensed then. She was very kind and filled the whole prescription.

Coming home was darker and scarier. Where I live is so quiet. Every strange sound made me jump. Every shadow made me aware of how vulnerable I was.

I got home and took my meds. After a while I began to feel the beneficial effect of the meds. I was so relieved.

I again pulled weight on my bed cover. It comforted me. I slept fairly well. Today, I have felt fatigue. My vagus nerve is traumatised. It has been for some time, years.

I am so grateful that Martin phoned just as I had taken my meds. He had come to my house and found me not there.

I am grateful to the woman who was also in the pharmacy. I am grateful to all my friends.

Mostly, I am grateful to God. Without him I would despair. But I wish my spirit would weaken.

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Still recovering…

I am still recovering from my appointment in Southampton. My body hurts everywhere. Yesterday, I managed to get to the shops, today I took the shower I needed but have slept on and off with painkillers.

I feel without hope. I want rid of the body I am trapped in.

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Somewhat low…

Since I came back from Southampton, I feel subdued. A bit sad. To go all that way for such a tiny reason has disappointed me so much.

I keep being asked if I fall asleep. No, I don’t because of my neurological disease. It seems that consultants find it hard to look past their specialism.

A friend came over, and we sat by the birch tree. Birds were to and fro. Quite bold.

It was pleasant, but after she left I knew I needed to get some food in the house. But I watered the garden instead.

I don’t fall asleep but my spelling is now rubbish, I forget my next sentence, and I type the same word twice. I catch all of these (I think), but am frightened by it.

I have done very little today. I don’t really want to do anything. I want to sleep and never stop.

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Trying to relax…

Moths over Las Vegas

Paramedics have just left. I feel buzzed by the nebuliser. I had two. Salbutamol and and another which has a name I don’t recall. They hadn’t encountered me before and her wish to convey me to A&E was making some of my symptoms worse.

They were both kind, though and she relaxed a bit. That helped me. Now I just need to relax so I can sleep.

I had actually delayed phoning for paramedics all afternoon. But I realised that I would not be able to sleep.

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No sleep…

Last night I got no sleep at all. I may have dozed at around midnight.

I am very grateful that my friend Judy helped me sellotape a package and took it to the post office for me. I had ordered a replacement laptop, which turned out to be cheap rubbish, and half of the charger was missing. A substitute was sent, but that didn’t fit. So I sent it back. I have my eye on a better one. I am so grateful to my daughter for lending me this. I just discovered it detects that I’m typing in German and automatically uses the letters that English doesn’t have. Neat. Maybe if my friend in Dubai tells me more secrets, I’ll stick with this.

I have been chewing the fat with a close friend in Virginia about how to tell someone some news. I’ve know him since I was twenty. And his wife. It’s hard to chew the fat on WhatsApp. With a five hour time difference. I’ve kind of spilled out while he was sleeping. I know he’ll not be mad at me. The worst is that he’ll be firm.

And I’ve accidentally hurt someone I employ but esteem highly. I can never get over it. The unintended consequence is too much too bear. I can’t undo it.

So I’ve not had the best weekend at all. I feel wretched physically and in my soul.

To love mercy,
To do justice,
and walk humbly before my God

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It could be better…

I am still using my daughter’s MacBook. The laptop I ordered came with an incomplete charger. I contacted the seller. They sent me another charger. It doesn’t fit. I want to send the whole lot back. They need to take up to 48 hours and will email me.

My consumer rights are being breached, but when you are on a very slow ‘chat’, it is less frustrating to just go with the flow.

Flow is one thing I don’t get with a MacBook. No moving effortlessly from one tab to another, copy and pasting, highlighting. Well, I can highlight on this. I just hate Apple. They use cheap Chinese labour, and I detest that. South Korea is at least a vague democracy, with human rights.

I missed a zoom meeting with SWASFT because of all this. I am so embarrassed but my boss is so sweet and laid back.

On Monday night I fell asleep within minutes of going to bed. I woke at 5.30 and napped in the middle of the day. Wednesday night I woke at 2am and fell asleep at 11am. I need to get a handle on my sleep. But my neurological disease needs controlling and that makes me very tired.

I’ve skipped three poetry zoom events. I guess I’m feeling my introversion at the moment. I am an introvert, but can extrovert fairly comfortably except in a group. It’s known as maturity. Being able to do both. In my teens I never said a word.

So now I need sleep and to rest.

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Next day…

I have been OK, even without the medicine. I’m suprised, as previously I got quite unwell. I felt it most last night.

I’m thankful for the friends I have who help me out atsuch times. I better not mention who they are or where they live as the poison pen may get busy again. One would think they have better thingsto do.

It is so bitterly cold. I feel it even though I am snug in my home. I hear the wind, and see the sky and know it’s 0/-1 C out there today.

I have not yet been summoned for my vaccinne. I thought I would get done with the vulnerable grouping. If they have me by age, I have a wait. I still am dubious about how my neurological disease will react to the chemicals that preserve the protein spike.

I am in a sleep cycle that isn’t great just now. I wake between 2am and 3am. I am drawn to my bed early though. I love my bed and in winter I just want to hibernate. Daffadils are beginning to show, and other spring flowers. I have seeds to sow in March. That’s not far away. I will have been shielding since March 6 last year so nearly a year. Of course, I have been out, but since Christmas only twice.