Now I lay down, please let me sleep
I’m tired of famines, floods, and wars,
from my own life, my body keeps the score
People starving, blown apart,
wars made to satisfy greed,
I’m reeling from it, let me sleep
I need to hear good news, now and then,
too soft for the harsh world I see
it takes its toll on me, please let me sleep
I want to lie in peace, let me sleep
I’m tired and weary of this world
I’ll lie down now, please let me sleep
Published in The Lark
The sky has long since darkened
rest calls out to me in deceit
I lay myself to go to sleep
yet slumber refuses to take me
I turn and turn to find comfort
it is there, but body and mind
cannot find ease, too bruised
the body keeps the score
It’s true I love to sleep, the escape
from my physical confinement
my body ails and fails me
yet dreaming does not come for me
Published in The Lark
Let me hold you as you weep,
child, you are too small to feel pain,
Sleep, my love, my arms hold you
now can comfort you, so sleep
In years to come, I can’t protect you
let me take you in my arms, sleep my love
Grazed knees, broken toys, I’ll hold you
I mend, I kiss the wound, sleep my love
The sound I make soothes you to peace
in time to come, I won’t be able to fix it all
Sleep, my love, while you can, in my arms
my heart walks around me inside you
So sleep now, my love, sleep, my love
Last night I woke in pain as I had gone round the harbour and got stuck on unmown grass at the end and no one was in sight. I put my trolley in neutral and put the back down on the seat. I laid over it and walked forward and then saw people.
I am grateful for the kindness of strangers. Thank God. But then Martin and I got misunderstanding each other and I got no sleep after 3 am.
I napped today, but no I cannot stand up. I am waiting for Martin to get back from his bike ride.
How much fluid can my body make/? How much can pour from me? I can;t cope…
The weather over the weekend was so good. I enjoyed it, although my symptoms are still in overdrive.
Martin woke me really early this morning. He had found the instructions that we needed . I felt so bewildered. He lengthened my day of discomfort by an hour at least. He said I wake him, but he has a tremendous ability to sleep well.
I finally got to speak with a doctor. I had to phone the surgery again. It was torture. I didn’t hear the advice I was given yesterday because of the distress I experienced by calling.
I am relieved that I had a long nap this afternoon. I would not be coping otherwise. Sleep is like gold to me. I need it to have relief from my body as well as to refresh my mind.
Late yesterday afternoon, I decided to take a bath. I was feeling tired mentally and felt it might refresh me.
I felt almost unable to get undressed. That seemed to exhaust me. I enjoyed cleansing my body, though and got rid of the last few cut hairs after my hair appointment. My hair does look great. I take my hat off to my new hairdresser. She is very very good.
Out of the bath, I couldn’t decide what to wear to bed and my breathing was noisy although I felt I was suffocating. I felt like I was barely here. I can’t explain it.
I felt nervous about going to sleep. I felt I would not wake up. Then I stayed up too long and could not sleep. I fell to sleep around 3-4am and was woken by my phone. My friend in Malaysia had got the time difference wrong. It was 5.55am. I managed to drift back to sleep, that half-waking and sleeping which I really love. The radio was on and I enjoyed what I heard.
I have written today and feel like I have done a lot, except I haven’t really apart from enjoying the afternoon.
My breathing remains noisy and very shallow. I had a CT scan on Friday. It went ok.
I felt appreciated today. I’m grateful for that. The light in the afternoon is markedly longer now. Soon the sun will reach the back garden. There are shoots coming up, daffodils, and snowdrops. Such a thrill.
I continue to feel better. Last night I had my first meal. My friend got me some pasta, so I made some carbonara. It felt good to eat.
I am resting a feeling better. I feel almost my usual self again. I can sleep as normal now. Mostly, I am back to normal.
I am so grateful.
After my horrendous night, I knew I could not face another. I sent an email to my doctors practice and then went there on my trolley. Having purpose took my mind off my body. A receptionist told me the prescription would be with the pharmacy later. I y then rang the pharmacy, and yes, they had it.
I tried to phone Martin, a friend who had offered to go for me, but there was no answer. So I set off to get there myself. It was spitting with rain and growing dark. The traffic was building up. I just kept going although a lot of the time I felt afraid.
The pharmacist handed me a small bag. I asked if my key medicine was in it. She said no, it would be done in the morning. I replied that I had only come because they had told me it could be dispensed then. She was very kind and filled the whole prescription.
Coming home was darker and scarier. Where I live is so quiet. Every strange sound made me jump. Every shadow made me aware of how vulnerable I was.
I got home and took my meds. After a while I began to feel the beneficial effect of the meds. I was so relieved.
I again pulled weight on my bed cover. It comforted me. I slept fairly well. Today, I have felt fatigue. My vagus nerve is traumatised. It has been for some time, years.
I am so grateful that Martin phoned just as I had taken my meds. He had come to my house and found me not there.
I am grateful to the woman who was also in the pharmacy. I am grateful to all my friends.
Mostly, I am grateful to God. Without him I would despair. But I wish my spirit would weaken.
I am still recovering from my appointment in Southampton. My body hurts everywhere. Yesterday, I managed to get to the shops, today I took the shower I needed but have slept on and off with painkillers.
I feel without hope. I want rid of the body I am trapped in.
Since I came back from Southampton, I feel subdued. A bit sad. To go all that way for such a tiny reason has disappointed me so much.
I keep being asked if I fall asleep. No, I don’t because of my neurological disease. It seems that consultants find it hard to look past their specialism.
A friend came over, and we sat by the birch tree. Birds were to and fro. Quite bold.
It was pleasant, but after she left I knew I needed to get some food in the house. But I watered the garden instead.
I don’t fall asleep but my spelling is now rubbish, I forget my next sentence, and I type the same word twice. I catch all of these (I think), but am frightened by it.
I have done very little today. I don’t really want to do anything. I want to sleep and never stop.
Paramedics have just left. I feel buzzed by the nebuliser. I had two. Salbutamol and and another which has a name I don’t recall. They hadn’t encountered me before and her wish to convey me to A&E was making some of my symptoms worse.
They were both kind, though and she relaxed a bit. That helped me. Now I just need to relax so I can sleep.
I had actually delayed phoning for paramedics all afternoon. But I realised that I would not be able to sleep.
Last night I got no sleep at all. I may have dozed at around midnight.
I am very grateful that my friend Judy helped me sellotape a package and took it to the post office for me. I had ordered a replacement laptop, which turned out to be cheap rubbish, and half of the charger was missing. A substitute was sent, but that didn’t fit. So I sent it back. I have my eye on a better one. I am so grateful to my daughter for lending me this. I just discovered it detects that I’m typing in German and automatically uses the letters that English doesn’t have. Neat. Maybe if my friend in Dubai tells me more secrets, I’ll stick with this.
I have been chewing the fat with a close friend in Virginia about how to tell someone some news. I’ve know him since I was twenty. And his wife. It’s hard to chew the fat on WhatsApp. With a five hour time difference. I’ve kind of spilled out while he was sleeping. I know he’ll not be mad at me. The worst is that he’ll be firm.
And I’ve accidentally hurt someone I employ but esteem highly. I can never get over it. The unintended consequence is too much too bear. I can’t undo it.
So I’ve not had the best weekend at all. I feel wretched physically and in my soul.
To love mercy,
To do justice,
and walk humbly before my God
Writer and psychologist. My health, a journey with two life shortening diseases 
You must be logged in to post a comment.