Equinox

I cannot beg the sun to stay
it is the earth that moves away

The night will be as long as this day
so sadness fills me as I have to greet th
e Fall
my garden has still some blooms
the shadows are long, the webs abound
season of spiders, but butterflies still aflutter

I want slumber to take me until spring
I don’t want the winter days, wind with chill
Let sleep take me now, with dreams that are sweet
unless there are days of sun to come

Strange times…

England has just back stepped in it’s opening up of the economy. I think this was inevitable. One cannot pretend a virus is ‘under control’ while there are still infections occurring. Indeed, people are still dying of Covid 19 here. This is not a second wave. The first wave is not over.

For the last ten days or so, I have woken thinking I have Covid 19. Whether this is becauseof dreams, or because I wake with a dry throat, I don’t know. I think my dry throat or sore feeling is the chronic fatigue that I get once or twice a year.

I started this summer waking very early and not sleeping well. Now I don’t wake early and find it hard to get out of bed. Sleep comes more easily, but is reluctant to leave. My mornings are sluggish and reluctant. Next week I have an X-ray appointment before noon. That will be a challenge.

My late mornings correlate directly with the loss of seeing the harbour from my bed. For fifteen years I have only had to rise on one elbow to see the vista of the the water and boats. I can still see the harbour but have to leave my bed. It is no longer my constant companion while writing or thinking. Daydreaming.

It is a bereavement, a grief, and one I feel keenly. If I am struggling this much now, how much more worse will it be in winter? It is unimaginable. And yet I have my garden. It bearsfruit. I have just picked and eaten my second fig, and tomorrow’s is marked out. They are so refreshing, so sweet, so unimaginably good. There are strawberries and tomatoes waiting, blueberries ripening. And my flowers. My trees.

So, there are many not as fortunate as I am. Counting my blessings and gratitude for what I have is my strength. It keeps me going in hard times when my mood is low.

My only regret in life is that I married the man I did. But then I wouldn’t have my daughter. I often think of dropping the name Brady, but the expense and inconvenience are too much.

My pain is manageable. Most days I have none and then my hip will start to hurt. That is manageble. Meditation and prayer take it away.

I am aware of my body though. There is always a sensation somewhere. And I know I look different and I wonder how many men would talk to me if I didn’t.

We need to stop putting the economy ahead of human lives. This virus kills and when it doesn’t it can leave nasty side effects for life or a long time. This will be with us for a long time.

So very tired…

I got up today and with two hours I was taking a nap. I got up for the postman, and napped again.

When I awakened I felt hot and lethargic but needed to pick up a prescription, fetch my clock from Jordi, and go to another shop.

After waiting ages in the airless chemist it was found that the prescription had not been sent. I felt peeved as I do not want to go back in a mask. I got my clock and then the shop I needed had closed before it’s closing time.

I got home feeling weary and forlorn.

The pain in my hip is ok with painkillers. My neck is still a bit sore.

I just attended a poetry zoom meeting. It was good. Not my usual crowd. I’m glad I made the effort.

It was hot…

I barely slept last night. I fell soundly asleep after 5.30 am. I was woken by a call from the police. I was not amused. Last they phoned it was 23.05.

I didn’t get a chance to say what I wanted. I was mid sentence when he said thank you and ended the call.

I felt better after a shower. It was really muggy today. My garden looked thirsty. I watered it this evening and tomorrow I will pick my first tomatoes.

I was able to give a small table to two ladies who needed one. I no longer need it. I like it when things like that happen.

I tried to call my surgery about my hip. It is really not good at all. They were closed for staff training. I hope I remember tomorrow.

I have been editing. Not my favourite job. My memory gets shorter and shorter as I work. It’s tiring as it can get repetitive. I try to refresh my brain regularly.

Rain and wind…

WordPress has altered and I can’t add a meme as easily as before. I need to talk to Jim…

So Friday night brought rain and also strongly gusting wind. Fortunately, the rake, mop, and other garden tool handle proved strong enough to keep my tomato plants upright. This was a huge relief.

I have trimmed away foliage that added weight to the plants and side shoots with no blossom. This also exposes the fruit to more sunlight to ripen. They are are small variety, I can experiment with others next season if I wish. Since I want to use them primarily in salad type meals, the size is almost irrelevant. The flavour is my goal.

I had a visitor to my garden on Thursday evening. My water butts were knocked over. They were caught on my security camera.

There is a community website that I have stopped using because other people who have misbehaved on it are causing trouble and using my blog as a source of information to make false allegations. The admin are aware, and monitoring.

On Friday night I slept within minutes of going to bed. Last night I was tired, but took a while to sleep. The left side of my pack hurt and it took a while to find comfort.

My hair salon contacted me today – I have an appointment in three weeks. I am looking forward to it. I won’t know my self, as my hair is ‘long’ and I make gaps for my eyes.

I emptied my dehumidifier. Half a litre. I put it on the garden. Manufacturing water. It’s our most precious commodity.

Four Ships and good sleep…

There are four ships lying in the English channel not too far from here. Their home port is full of furloughed vessels. It’s because the crew have been on board for a year or more due to the pandemic. The poor crew need time on land and will maybe be flown home and other crew will take over when they are cleared to sail again.

Amazingly, cruises are booked up already even though they are a hot house for infectious disease. I can’t think of anything worse than a cruise. Give me a train journey any day.

My harbour is cluttered still, and perhaps more. I watch the tugs and pilots go out to bring in vessels as well as seeing them out. The huge Russian one has left and smaller ones are in it’s place.

Work has stopped at the site. I can only pray. Please pray with me. The ombudsman has my case now.

I am sleeping well. 99% of the time I wake refreshed. Pain is still minimal but my mood is low.

My garden is full of delights. Flowers I did not expect. My tomato plants need resurrecting after the rain, so I am going to do that now and finish painting my gate.

Thank you for reading.

The peculiarness of people…

My cousin is being harassed now. Why? Because she has a German mother. Millions of us have German mothers. For crying out loud…

I fell asleep before eight thirty last night. I did not expect that.

So woke at 11.20pm. Not good news. Fortunately I fell asleep within two hours. I just heard a ‘ping’. Not one that my phone makes. Maybe someone walking in the road. I feel tired and drained. My right foot has pain, because it is working harder due to my left hip and swollen left foot.

I am not aware that it is compensating because I am so dominantly left footed. I used to write with both hands equally well. I wonder if George Best ever became ambidextrous with his hands as well as his feet?

But he was not ambidextrous, he practiced right footed kicking and dribbling. Then again, every great footballer practices. He may well have been ambidextrous. In his feet. Not a common phenomenon.

I started using my dehumidifier yesterday. I did feel the difference. There is only about two fluid ounces of water in it, but the benefit works.

Yesterday I gave an Apple charger to a friend. Last night it dawned on me that it’s Mike Ebworth’s. He told me I had too much stuff. I realised this is because he had to go downstairs to charge his phone. Except he didn’t need to, there were two sockets free. I need to use multiple adaptors as I only have three sockets in my bedroom. I have a landline plugged in, a laptop a the time, my non Apple cell charger, a bedside lamp, and two gang planks to allow my laptop and charger to be plugged in. If he had not stunned me with his remark, I would have plugged his charger in for him.

What a mess he left.

Anyway, the dehumidifier is new and was plugged in. I also got an electric hot water bottle and that is plugged in, so where he was not looking I have no idea.

Being a poet brings so much free stuff through the post. I loathe the abuse of trees that goes into this. I want to read a lot of it but don’t have time. Other stuff goes straight into the recycling without a second glance.

I’ve also brought up my family. That leads to more stuff.

I get gifts from friends. For kindnesses. For being who I am. I give gifts too.

My mental health has suffered this week too. I didn’t realise until yesterday when I took the charger to Ally. I felt better when I got home.

Lack of sleep, anxiety, pain all these are not a good combination. Yesterday I cried for no reason. And last night, I wept remembering something awful that happened to my daughter when she was seventeen, and I didn’t know until I was asked to fetch her. She was a wreck emotionally and I was a tigress on her behalf and then held her for hours getting home.

If you come to my blog for info on mental health, please use the search bar. Just put in the word you need. The purpose of this blog is my health and how I live with gratitude and find joy. However, I have reposted articles published elsewhere here.

When people go through posts to other posts like rifling through a book, I feel strange feelings. I chose to use a blog. Yes. But follow or don’t be so rude please. Whoever you are. Thank you.

Still cold but happy…

It has continued to be cold after a glorious day on Monday. I really am desperate for sunshine.

My hair salon phoned me yesterday to bring forward my hair appointment. So I shall go tomorrow instead of next week.

I am so happy that my previous neighbours are gone. It’s like a vicious dog being moved away. No one liked them because of the pain caused by their wind chimes. No one could believe they would keep them there, knowing it caused me pain.

The peace in my garden now is blissful, and I can actually enjoy being in it.

Does anyone know what ecan.org is??Maybe Jim knows?

So all is well, although I’ve been waking up two hours after falling asleep. It’s not really a problem, as I go to sleep again fairly easily.

No image today, I’m too tired…

Yesterday I slept a great deal. I finally have no ache around my diaphragm area.

The weather is not great, so I haven’t been out and my plants need planting still. I feel a bit lazy, but feel tired.

Covid19 is my town. It feels strange to know there’s something out there that you can’t see. No idea who may be infected. I now make sure not to touch anyone and wash my hands a lot. I need to remember to clean my phone too.

I don’t know why I am so tired. I have slept badly for a while. I guess that’s why.

I haven’t much else to say. I write and try to eat and then I go to sleep.

Still feeling the effects…

Today my friend down the road took my overnight sleep tests back to the hospital for me. She was later than she had said because she had loaded her washer as it was such a glorious day she wanted to get her laundry out to dry.

Her text came just after I had given up waiting and gone back to bed. I am still weary!!!

My upper tummy muscles and diaphragm area still ache! It sometimes causes me to think I’m hungry. I don’t recall feeling this before, and I did do tummy crunches at one time and lifting my legs in the air (take note, Jim. My core is puny, but not that puny)!

My daughter sent me a text telling me she wants me to admit I need her help. I know, I thought that too. I fell back to sleep for an hour and then replied with what she wanted to here. Yes, I thought so as well.

She arrived here just around 4.20 pm and asked where the test was to take to the hospital. I replied that as she had withdrawn her offer to take it early this morning, my friend had taken it. (Plus, my daughter doesn’t tell me times that she’ll come.)

She sat and I was complimenting her hair when she started an argument. I was very aware that my cleaner was here. So I asked if she would go to the nearby convenience store to get a pint of milk. She came back and put it in the fridge and left.

My cleaner brought me a cup of tea, and his face was dark with anger. I apologised that my daughter had behaved like that.

Now I have a glut of toilet tissue. My daughter dropped some in on Sunday and my cleaner brought some. I ordered a bulk buy online and now will be supplying the residents of my road. They are rationed now because of the Covid19. There are two cases in my wider area. It does make me nervous about using the buses.

I don’t mind dying, I just don’t want to be ill.

My friends’ baby was born at 11.54 am 9 March. I’m so pleased for them. A girl, Willow.

I went to sleep easily, around 10.30 and woke at 11.30. I had hoped it was early morning.

I have started a further declutter. Less is more. And I realised I had badly neglected my houseplants. I am trying to nurse them back to health.