More paramedics…

I miss my daughter. She is in Oxford with her job. I hope she is as happy as she claims.

I miss watching videos in my bed, laughing with the dog as she roughhoused with him. I miss her news every day. God, I miss just setting eyes on her.

I called out paramedics in the wee hours yesterday. I was suffocating. No position relieved it. They came surprisingly quickly considering how busy they are, but the crew had been at the local hospital when they were dispatched.

They used ipratropium only which they are not meant to do, but it fixed me. I couldn’t believe the difference. I still feel better now. I wonder how long before yesterday ipratropium would have benefited me. And I would not have needed to feel I was suffocating so many times when I got myself into the recovery position to make it stop.

I am dying. There is no doubt. It is a long slow death. I enjoy my life mostly. I miss my daughter. It would be so much easier if she were here to smile at me every day.

I am loving my wanderings around the harbour. Finding the ancient woodland. I find healing.

Still grateful…

I found another paragraph I wrote five years ago. It was a year of stresses, as my daughter sat major exams and I had to have the ceiling in her bedroom replaced.

I am grateful for those people who I do not know personally who always return my smile. In the street, or a store, a garage etc. I am grateful for the help of strangers at times when I have needed an ambulance, a phone call made, an extra penny, directions or a bed to sleep in.
I am grateful for the wonderful people who help care for my Dad. They help give me peace of mind and hug me when I have tears.
I am grateful for my GP. He is one in several million and has taken the time to understand the rare disease that has caused so much distress. He is always compassionate, understanding and helpful.
I am grateful for certain people who know who they are who have been there for me in times of breakdown, grief, heartbreak and anguish. They have my unconditional friendship.

Today I went out for some air and odds and ends. I happened to drop a loaf of bread. One lady stopped to tell me I had dropped it and gave me advice, another lady picked it up for me. You can guess who I felt gratitude towards.

I’m very grateful that Ebsworth did not stay. I only saw brief glimpses of the man I’d begun to fall for, but that man was kind and thoughtful and showed me a lot of kindness. I’ll always be grateful for that. I was vulnerable after my Dad died and stricken by the death of my sister, and then my beloved dog a week later. Although, conflicting, is that he was able to sexually assault me. I wish I’d never withdrawn the complaint.