Poem
Earth on it’s axis turns away in it’s orbit
fickle but eternal path in the Universe
Darkness begins to shroud our daily lives
we hunker down, wrap ourselves warm
We yearn for light, the Sun, weak warmth
bright Sun mornings cheer our days, the joy
So rains and storms may come our way
Hallelujah for every single Sun day
Published in Lifeline
Sun, you tease too much
you came with warmth
I felt renewed, with hope
energised, bees bumbling,
the kiss of warmth gentle
on my face has gone away
like a moody lover, a child
put out at the word no
clouds hide you, as if
playing a game, wanting a cloak
I would not mind had you
not been gone so long
Be more like the Moon please
take a faithful journey,
he does not fail me, not fey
no teasing, just the gentle kiss
Published by Woodworkers of The World Unite
I did not sleep well last night despite the window being ajar. I don’t know why. So, this morning I slept until noon, being woken by knocking in my dream which was actual knocking. I have no idea who it was.
At this time of year, I start to count the days off until the Solstice. In my mind I am doing this but I can no longer see the sun. I am aware of sunset because the glow is just visible. I can’t see the sun at all, because of the monstrosity they have built in front of my house.
In terms of beauty of nature, they have taken my greatest wealth – the view from my bedroom where I write. I was able to see the mouth of the harbour, ferries coming in and out, the chain ferry across the entrance, and at night, all the lights. The yachts sailing, windsurfers. It’s all gone from me and it affects my mental health.
I used to smile at that view. A smile is good for your mind. That view would beckon me outdoors… It reminded me of how big the world is and all the places I’ve been.
I watched Ireland beat Georgia at rugby today. Ireland did not play well, in spite of the score. I’ve seen Ireland play far better against the All Blacks. Against many teams. They won, and that’s what matters.
I feel sad. The pandemic has not been terrible for me, but it has messed up my social life.
I miss masculinity in my life. My Dad, my Uncle. I am grateful they did not live to endure the pandemic.
I like men. I don’t mean in a sexual way. I just mean I miss men.
Someone arranged to meet me today. I spent a while thinking about cancelling. Then I realised it would do me the world of good to get out in the sunshine, and I could get groceries afterwards.
We outside in the sunshine. It was so mild. We talked for ages. Then we parted company and I went to the market.
I felt good when I got home. My friend has plans for meeting again. I need this so much. Many of my friends are too afraid of the pandemic to go anywhere, which frustrates me.
I have been writing. I feel quite happy with my life. I may have someone staying here for a short while as they need to sort some issues out. If this happens, I shall enjoy it.
The autumn sun is good on my skin, even though less of it is exposed.
I picked all the unripened figs from the tree. I looked up what to do about them. When I came home, I found more flowers in bloom in the garden. I am pleased.
Leaves are turning red and gold
we see our breath in the chilled air
walking faster to warm ourselves
as nature starts to sleep
Darkness draws around our days
light is short, the sun is lower in the sky
chestnuts fall, mushrooms appear
leaves carpet the path we walk
I have had a great day. Sunny, warm and my garden full of bees and birds. The birdcover has recovered from my previous neighbours’ destruction.
My daughter came and we sat in the sun, and she helped me put heavy stuff in the garbage.
She knelt to tend some plants and it reminded me of when she was eight and loved to water the plants and sweep the path. We made pizzas but she felt a bit off colour so I had twice as much dinner as usual.
She is finding lockdown hard. I am writing, so am doing my passion. I suggested she choreograph some dance.
My hip was biting as we came in. I almost fell twice. It’s so haphazard.
I have an editor who is crushing me. Pulverizing me. Let him. I don’t listen to lies.
I have had an intruder in my garden. It’s a bit disturbing but I’m ok.
I thought about talking to my daughter about the hospice but decided to leave it today.
I must take my outdoor broom to a friend.
Welcome to my new followers. I realise I haven’t done this for far too long.
The wife in the couple to whom I teach conversational English is angry. I’ve been teaching one of them and he is so grateful, but she will only take lessons by skype. She will not come to join the conversation.
.
A friend down the road hurt me late last week, and I emailed her about it. I got no response. She fetched shopping for me today as I’m not allowed in shops. Instead of apologising she rubbed salt in the wound and left as I started to cry.
Why do I attract such bad friends?
Tonight I diagnosed a much better friend with Venous Stasis, which is dangerous if untreated. She had phoned her doctor described her symptoms and she told me she was prescribed tablets. Tonight I discovered they are antibiotics!!! Completely wrong!!!
I have continued to sleep well. And long.
I have poured out my anger about M. Ebsworth breaking my laptop. No mature response. Why are men such children. I need a laptop so badly.
The houses opposite are much further progressed than I realised. This is why I am considering palliative care only. I can’t not see the sun in winter.
I am happy and at peace. I know where I am going.
I went to get some shopping earlier and as I came out of my gates I saw that my neighbour’s gate next to mine is gone. Yes, gone!!!!
The gate is gone!!!!!!!!
I laughed out loud. I felt such relief. I also confess to some pleasure that the miserable spirit that was so determined to get his way, has had his nose punched, so to speak.
I did write to someone in authority yesterday. I don’t know if that did it or if others who use the car park for the sheltered housing had complained. All I know is that my relief is great.
So I celebrated by putting two water snails in my tiny pond, and two water plants. I feel sorry for the snails as they have such cold water. I need to adjust a few things. I have some new plants to plant too.
My fig tree has been in bud since October, so I’m looking forward to see what this year brings. One tiny fig appeared last autumn too. I pinched it off so that no energy gets diverted from leaves and growth.
Oh, I’m so happy about the gate. They won’t be renting space in my head again.
Just a couple of weeks now and the sun will be in my back garden. I can’t wait.
This morning I woke with a very painful bruise on the back of my pelvis, and a tender spot on my skull. I am very fortunate. Thank you for your kind remarks and concern.
It was a blessing in disguise, as I was able to catch up with my friends. They had heard about Michael Ebsworth’s attempt to move in. I explained why he left and their response was the same as every other of my friends. He has always known I am frail, and always known I have help in my home. It was not an eye opener for him at all.
According to his former girlfriend, he was very untidy. We will leave it at that. So she was shocked to hear his criticism of my home, etc. He wasn’t when he lived next door. He, like the paramedic, told me I have very good taste.
So my friend who lives down the road brought milk this morning. I’m having a duvet day as another friend had suggested. I had wanted to move around, but that hurts too much.
My new front door arrived this morning. I chose a white one this time, but still with two vertical frosted panels. I love how the white adds more light to my hall. The sun comes through and picks up the sunshine of my pale apricot walls. In summer, the sun comes through my bathroom and plays with the pale apricot. I really love my home. The harbour looks very still today, a change after all the stormy weather.
So today I will rest. I will watch some TV and hopefully nap.
Today I had occasion to visit facebook, and in my notifications was a prompt to look at memories. I found this:
I am deeply grateful for my Dad. A gentle man who can mix which rich and poor and not be changed, who taught me manners and right from wrong, who has given me hours and days of laughter and hiking, who carried me when I was so near to death and wept for my suffering. A man who has stood for something all his life and taught me to stand and be counted. My Dad has my undying love and admiration. He is my only hero.
I am truly grateful for grace. Perhaps not everyone will understand. Grace has kept me strong, been a source of mercy and sustenance and will help me in the difficult times ahead. Grace has renewed me when I have reached the end of me, and made relationships endure.
I am grateful for my daughter Lara who is an amazing person. She is to me like a fragrance, refreshing and attractive in essence as well as looks. She has so many talents, is well loved by many and will go on to many more wonderful things. I feel such a feeling as her abilities far exceed my own in so many talents of sport, dance, charisma, hiking, leadership, choreography and pure presence. She has achieved more in her 16 years than some bother to try in a lifetime, despite some difficult circumstances that were beyond our control and my declining health. It’s a privilege to know her, let alone to be her mother.
This is still true today. My Dad is my plumb line in almost everything I do, the one difference is that he was in the S.A.S and I belong to CND and lots of other anti-weapon and anti-war movements. I’m so grateful he was my Dad.
Last night I had the most deep and recooperating sleep. I was dreadfully tired Wednesday and slept from 5:30pm to 8:30pm. Then I had difficulty getting to sleep later and did not sleep until after 8am.
Yesterday I got a second wind and popped out while the sun was shining. I ate good dinner and then scoffed a pack of brioche rolls. I went to bed at 9.30 and woke at just around 8am this morning. I felt great, and as the only appointment I had today was not until after lunch, I went back to sleep for a while.
My medicine always makes me very thirsty, so I keep two glasses of mango and apple cordial beside my bed, and as I work from my bedroom it keeps my thirst slaked all day.
Writer and psychologist. My health, a journey with two life shortening diseases 
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