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A hospital appointment that exhausted me and still no help…

This morning I went to the respiratory clinic to have tests done to find out how my ineffecient my lungs are and what gases are left in my blood.

The technician was so sweet. She warned me I would get tired and I should say when I had enough.

The first thing was to take blood from my ear. Yes. My ear. This is done by warming the ear with hot water, so scientific, and getting enough blood onto a card in a machine within a minute. After a minute the machine resets and they have to start again.

So, both my ears donated blood, the second after a third technician came to help (a trainee was there). By the time they were done I was claustrophobic and over-stimulated by the lights and discussion. I was so aware of my introvert preference.

Then I had to breathe into a tube. Normal breathes, big breathes out. It was exhausting. Then I was taken to a bigger room and did more forced breaths into a different machine.

My arms were tingling, and I wanted to cry.

I’ve been given a contraption to wear on my finger and wrist to wear tonight and tomorrow night. I have to return it on Sunday or Monday and I so don’t want to.

I got some shopping and there was no toilet tissue in the town centre. Panic buying due to Corovid19.

I want to sit on my Dad’s lap. I want Mike as he was during our relationship when he lived next door. I want his hug and conversation.

I had got home when my daughter sent a text accusing me of something I don’t know how to do.

I’ve been wishing she wasn’t born because I think there’s a good chance I might be still married to the man I married. My daughter highlighted our differences. He undermined me, gaslighted me as a mother.

But this is my life and I must accept it.

I’ve been writing on medium.com but realise that the 12-20people who made it a metred pay wall are those who benefit the most.

My royalties were disappointing, but not to be sneezed at.

I am so weary. I could weep.

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A horrid hospital appointment…

Yesterday afternoon, late, I had an appointment with a consultant of respiratory problems. It was a very unpleasant experience, not least because of the doctor’s manner.

I think he made assumptions as soon as I walked in to the room. He didn’t want to hear anything I had to say. He just summed everything up by how my chest looks now, nothing about the last five years.

I left the hospital feeling despair. I’m lined up for tests I will not be able to tolerate. The consultant dismissed my problems with a patronising and ignorant comment. I mean ignorant as in dismissive, lacking knowledge and understanding.

I got home and made a phone appointment with my GP. Then my daughter and I had a terrible row, and I ended up drinking a glass of wine, completely unable to relax. I watched the fireworks from my window, boats were blowing their horns. I responded to one text only.

I don’t know what time I awoke this morning, I dozed. I’ve ignored texts and messages. I know I’ve blown it with my daughter, although she doesn’t exactly smell of roses just now either.

I don’t know why I am so down. I was confronted by how ugly my body is yet again. I wish I had never survived the four brain surgeries. No doctor understands anything about my condition. I married the wrong man. I have failed as a mother. I feel so surplus to requirements, so useless and unknown.

I am in a very dark place right now.