Prince Harry and Megan Markle

Prince Harry’s good work for veterans left with life changing injuries, his work for mental health, his championing of many charities, are all abandoned by him since Megan Markle decided that being royal was not glamorous enough for her.

When they were interviewed on the occasion of their engagement, they told Mishal Hussein that they were fully prepared for married life in the public gaze. It is on visual/audio record.

Now, that is contradicted. Prince Harry’s grandfather has died, and Harry is not nearby.

Megan Markle did like the hard work of being a public figure. It is grueling. Tiring. She did not like that their home was smaller than that of Prince William and Katherine. Famously, Megan made Katherine cry on the eve of her wedding. Now that is reversed and Megan is the victim. In her words.

Megan Markle does not love her husband enough to be second place. To honour his role in public life. She does not love him enough to empower him, support him, and be his rock.

She has used colourism to her advantage. She does not look ‘black’. Her TV career used this to her advantage. Now, she accuses the royal family of racism with no proof.

Prince Philip was more ‘royal’than the woman he fell in love with. He was a refugee from age one and his childhood was spent in various countries, after his parents split up. His much older sisters married German princes so could not attend his wedding. One sister was killed in an airplane accident which left the 16 year old prince desolate.

He came to Britain to finish his schooling. Then he became a British citizen, renouncing his titles.

He met Princess Elizabeth when he was 18 and she 15. War broke out, but they stayed in touch. They married and enjoyed normal life.

When his wife became his Queen, he had to leave his career in the Navy. He pledged his allegiance and, in public, always walked one step behind her. In private, it was different. The Queen sought his advice and he was the one person she could trust in all things.

Born to be her superior in old fashioned terms, both royally and in education, he made a happy life by founding organisations to empower young people, conservation, science. He had no constitutional role, so he made one.

This was a man in love with his wife. Megan Markle comes not even close. A modern woman, she does not understand love.

Keeping my word…

I have just been let down by someone I had hoped would become a friend. In truth, I knew they would let me down early last week. They are a person who thinks it is OK to break their word if money is involved.

I don’t often give my word, but when I do I keep it, even if I ‘lose out’ somehow, because my word is what defines me. I will be known as a person of character or one of none.

I value being a person of character because I have positions in public office. It is a privilege, and very humbling, to serve the people I serve.

It was my Dad who instilled in me what character is. Not that we talked about it, but I watched him from early childhood. He treated royalty and refuse collectors the same. I never heard an angry word towards him, or he utter an angry word to others. In the Army, his men loved him. Many visited our home and gave my sister and me sweets or a pound.

I have realised through life that it is important to keep a promise or to do what you say you will do. So choose wisely what you say.

I repaid a neighbour $3 when I was terrified of approaching their front door. I have kept my word even when opportunities to have fun, be taken out for dinner, or have paid work, because to break my word is to disrespect the person to whom I made it. I try to honour people. I am not about dishonour or disrespect.

I am frail. My health is poor. I need to people in my life who will keep their word. I am blessed indeed to have discovered neighbours who are kind. She will pick up bits of shopping for me when she goes shopping. He and their son put together two garden chairs that arrived as flat pack. I did not expect them to be flat pack. I was felt cross. But I asked, and my neighbour said yes, and kept his word.

I am not doing drama with people anymore. If someone breaks their word, I will give them a second chance but will know they are unreliable and not trustworthy.

Of course, if they are ill or a member of their family, that is different. I don’t demand to be first priority. I don’t demand anything.

Trust is fragile. It takes a while to become, but is broken in a flash.

Two days with insanity…

I am recovering well now after a nasty chest infection/pneumonia. I’m also feeling better after some insanity.

My ex was here for Christmas along with my daughter. He told me he would get me some groceries on Boxing Day. I phoned at around midday to say what I would like but he did not arrive. It was fairly ok, as I spent a long time napping and resting, and drank more milkshakes.

Today, I felt a bit hungry, so I sent a text to my ex. After a while I phoned. It gradually dawned on me that I was repeating a behaviour and expecting to get a different result. This is also known as insanity. So I phoned a friend who works near the High Street, and this led, in a roundabout way, to another friend offering to bring my groceries tomorrow as he and his family are out of town until the morning. It’s cool. I’ve eaten some cake and as my tummy has shrunk anyway, I’m not particularly hungry.

Why is my ex like this? I cannot explain. There are things I could say, but I know that there are some people who know him who read this, and it wouldn’t be fair. He is practicing a twelve step programme and failing miserably. And that causes misery to those who know him. And I should know better than to trust him, because what seems a good idea to him on one day may well be a very bad idea to him the next. This is what he has become, in one way or another, since we divorced. We used to be able to meet for a coffee. Not anymore.

Physically, I am much better to day than I was yesterday. My temperature has gone, my tummy has settled, and since arranging my groceries, I am now calm and cheerful. I will have a relatively early night. Yesterday evening, my body was achy and tired, but that has passed.

When someone let’s you down…

We’ve all been let down, right? And it can leave us feeling all range of emotions from slight annoyance to complete devastation.

It tends to leave us feeling unworthy of someone’s time, or lonely, angry, disappointed, and low self esteem.

Don’t let it!! No, the person who let you down, let themselves down much more than you.

Last weekend, I was going to go to the next county with some friends. I arranged to go some of the way by bus, and I fixed with another friend to leave my trolley in the foyer of his flats and be picked up from there by the friends I was going with. The guy with the foyer doesn’t have a phone, so I was to message him on facebook and he would meet my bus.

On the day, I felt a bit tired and out of sorts, so I cancelled with my friends and sent a message to the foyer friend. I kept checking to see if he’d opened it as I did not want him wandering around bus stops. He read it at about 5.30pm and replied ‘OK’. I was a bit puzzled, and replied that I was relieved I had not gone as I would have been stranded with my trolley. His reply was, ‘No harm done.’

‘No? I trust you less. I highly value the trust of my friends’ was my answer.

People who let you down rob themselves. They go down in your esteem, they lose your trust, they may not get a reference. It is nothing to do with you.

In the last year, ever since my sister was dying, people have let me down. While my sister was so desperately ill, I realised how much a vicar had been imposing his will on me and manipulating me. My realisation made me feel ill. With hindsight, his control of me is frightening. I had to get him out of my life. It has been so much better. He caused me anxiety, made me feel guilty, almost like an abusive marriage.

Others have let me down and they are people I need to continue to relate to. The dynamics don’t need to change that much if you both have the emotional literacy to talk about it. If that is not there, one just has be patient and hopeful that they can realise the hurt they caused. I have someone who was supposed to come to me for a holiday. She has let me down. I am related to her and love her, but need to wait for her to realise.

My biggest disappointment this year was Mike Ebsworth. He has always known my health was poor. To tell me I had set my sights on him to be my cleaner, cook, and nurse. He let himself down for thinking that’s all I wanted him for, when I had fallen in love him when he came back to see me, and me, for not being honest with himself.

Screaming…

• 

I’ve been screaming with pain, both inner and physical. I hurt so much by Mike’s departure. He left because he thought I wanted a carer. The very last thing on my mind. I wanted a partnership of equals, but naively I trusted him to try to discuss how much help I should keep having. I’m paying an awful amount of money to have half a hour of help each day. I asked him what he thought of me employing someone privately, less frequently but for a longer period of time. All he said was ‘don’t cancel it’. I found this frustrating, but knew he was tired. I left him to sleep and popped in on my friend. He left.

When he told me what he was thinking, I was incredulous. I could not grasp it. Beyond belief. My illness and appearance stop me from believing anyone would want me. But Michael Ebsworth has always told me he loves me and finds my body very attractive. Oh, the thngs he does to me! He’s such a passionate lover. Tender yet demanding.

He knows me. He knows my home can be untidy. Nothing was a surprise to him. And I spent ages sending texts making suggestions on what possblities there were to make this house our home, not just mine. He told me I don’t open windows. Almost all my windows are open all the time. I won’t mention his untidiness and bad habits here.

I went to see the ‘asthma’ nurse in the morning. She is so lovely that I dissolved into tears. I tried to see a play last night which had bought a ticket for about a month ago. I had to leave the theatre to vomit in the ladies and couldn’t face going back in. All the while Mike was firing texts at me.

I’ve been screaming out loud too because the wind changed direction a couple of days ago and I can hear the windchimes all the length of the garden. My nerves are yelling at me to make the chimes stop. My muscles hurt so much on my left side. My neighbours have been told that they cause me nerve pain and they do not change them nor move them.

Trust Issues…

• 

I am realising how difficult I find it to trust people these days. Especially since my sister died of sepsis last October and my dog a week later.

My neighbour proved to be completely untrustworthy. A friend who is a vicar felt it was his place to tell me my sister had died and while I was sitting with her body kept texting me persistently. I finally snapped and told him if he kept on texting me I would call the police. He completely ejected me from his life after 20 years of friendship. His secretary who had also been my friend for many, many years blocked me out because the vicar had.

Now a friend has blocked me because I asked for payment in kind for some counselling for his girlfriend. I spent years learning so that I could be a Dr of Psychology and my friends get £££ of advice free but this was a planned session and I asked for payment in kind. He went mad at me, broke a commitment, and won’t speak to me. Ironically, I paid him to help me with my garden and I know more about gardening than he does, but he works as a gardener.

My wondrous cleaner who was so much more than a cleaner, has realised what a mess her life is in and has quit all her jobs. I can’t blame her at all, she is the daughter of an alcoholic, but I’ve had a long list of unreliable cleaners.

People have made promises to me and not kept them. I don’t know who to trust.

I am still grateful. I have so much to be grateful for.