A day of two halves…

This morning I awoke feeling tired and regretting that I canceled my hair appointment on Tuesday. The weather is not much improved, although yesterday evening was beautiful. I now have one on Sunday.

I showered late and dressed, and felt much much better. I made coffee, and opened mail, and answered texts and emails.

For dinner I roasted some sweet potato and then poured over an egg and yogurt mix, with spinach and freshly ground pepper to make an oven omelette. I threw on some roast tomatoes and it was delicious. I had it with some Riesling, one of my favourite wines.

I have some ice cream with real vanilla, which I love. So I ate that, too.

I have a busy week ahead, socially. I need to pace myself. But I am feeling well.

A blah sort of day…

It has rained quite hard today and I’ve stayed in. It’s great for my garden, and much needed.

I have napped, in fact last night I fell asleep at around 7.30pm and woke just after ten. I went back to bed at midnight and slept through until almost eight this morning.

This is in stark contrast with how I began the summer. Rising before 6 am to water the garden. I can no longer sustain late nights and early mornings, even when the lateness is driven by inability to sleep.

I could have put some plants outside which arrived yesterday, but I have felt so tired.

I am intreagued that it has taken Boris Johnson so long to realise that being overweight is a comorbidity for Covid-19. It is a comorbidity for anything. Being overweight is a risk for cancer, diabetes, heart attack, stroke, anything. Even flu can be leathal if one is overweight.

I feel sorry for anyone who has not taken the opportunity to lose weight during lockdown. The opportunities to walk, cycle, and alter ones diet were as never before. Some eat a healthy diet but drink too much. Those are the worst calories of all as the habit leads to alcoholism and all that is entailed with that.

Spain has apparently started a second spike. I am surprised as it is too hot. I think it is the first wave popping up after lockdown being lifted to early. We must all be cautious.

Good that we are leading in the second Test against the West Indies. I love cricket.

A better day…

Today has been much better. The pain in my hip has been considerably less. I am taking painkillers now and have done as necessary for a few days. I had a phone appointment with a doctor from my surgery. We are trying for an X-Ray, although they are now really only checking for fractures. I said I would prefer to have one than wait for the second spike of Covid-19 when the weather is cooler, and when my hip might be more painful than I can cope with.

We shall see.

I have been editing for most of the day. It really is a tedious task, which boggles the mind. I’ve also been in close contact with a friend who is an artist, though she hasn’t done any for ages. She writes.

I picked my first tomatoes today. The flavour is amazing. Not like shop bought ones that are picked early. I shall have some with basil and mozzarella, drizzled with oil. I will roast some with a sprinkle of pepper.

There are strawberries in the the kitchen too, and lots more ready to crop in a day or two.

I may plant some spinach as the weather is good. So lovely in a salad, or wilted in a stir fry.

I am still rather low, but went out for a while this morning. It made me feel better. I’m glad today was not too hot, though certainly warm.

I feel pleasantly tired.

It was hot…

I barely slept last night. I fell soundly asleep after 5.30 am. I was woken by a call from the police. I was not amused. Last they phoned it was 23.05.

I didn’t get a chance to say what I wanted. I was mid sentence when he said thank you and ended the call.

I felt better after a shower. It was really muggy today. My garden looked thirsty. I watered it this evening and tomorrow I will pick my first tomatoes.

I was able to give a small table to two ladies who needed one. I no longer need it. I like it when things like that happen.

I tried to call my surgery about my hip. It is really not good at all. They were closed for staff training. I hope I remember tomorrow.

I have been editing. Not my favourite job. My memory gets shorter and shorter as I work. It’s tiring as it can get repetitive. I try to refresh my brain regularly.

A very quiet day…

I’m still having trouble with images.

Yesterday I got very tired. I finished planting my hanging baskets which was more work than I expected. My washing machine has gone wrong and a load was soaking wet but not washed.

After watering the garden and making dinner, I felt really tired. I watched some TV and slept.

This morning I made myself a cup of coffee for the first time since my first pregnancy. I went off the taste completely until recently when a friend made some. They then gifted me a pack of the brand they use.

I make it with a reusable filter. It takes me back to when my Dad would make coffee on a Saturday morning. It feels like home.

Today has been quiet. I’ve had two naps. I’ve read and hand washed my laundry. My mobile phone woke me but it always fits into my dreams as my ringtone is a Coldplay song. I did some admin.

Apart from the radio, all I’ve heard are birds singing. It’s been lovely.

Yesterday, my specialist phoned me and after discussing my breathing he talked to me about his distress at having to admit Covid-19 patients to ICU everyday for weeks. I could tell it had affected him. One would have to be a monster if it didn’t.

Tired and strange…

Today I have been feeling not quite myself. Nothing specific, but it could be the humidity we’ve had for a few days.

My breathing is affected by humidity and tires me. I have spent time writing, talking with my cousin, daughter, and just left a zoom event held by The Poetry Society. I was late. This is happening quite often, I’m sad to say. Being late.

I had a nap earlier and whilst drifting into sleep it seemed I could feel the turning of the Earth. I haven’t felt this for years. It’s not just that I feel the Earth turning but today it was like I could feel myself suspended by gravity and a vacuum. This sensation goes back to nightmares I had early on with PTSD.

I slept for a round an hour or so and then did some things in the house and garden. I have finally been able to plant my hanging baskets but they need more soil, so are not hung yet.

The zoom meeting was very good, excellent in fact. I listened and did not comment. I was not on the agenda.

It’s good to be aware of one’s appearance on zoom. I remembered to reapply my lippy.

I’ve just watered the garden. The rose for my sister is in bloom. I have watched the bud for two weeks now. I sat and ate strawberries while I looked at it.

My strawberries are lush. So sweet and falling apart on biting. It is so satisfying to eat what one has grown.

I still need to cut away some tomato leaves. It will make the plants less heavy and more sun will reach the crop,

So now I am exhausted. I’m aware of discomfort but not pain. My ankle was very slightly puffy today but not painful, just reminding me it needs rest.

I’m going to have a glass of rose wine as there is no chocolate in the house. I hope to sleep well, despite the sultry evening.

I am a bit low. All my friends are back at work and though I’m used to that I haven’t seen them in ages.

I’m not going to change my behaviour now that lockdown is over. I’m going to wait.

A surreal day…

This day has been long and surreal. My ankle and leg hurt. They should be getting better. The bruising on my back is reducing but is still tender very tender.

My breathing is fairly OK but has been wheezy once or twice.

Realising the reason my life has been so stressed for more than a year is so devastating. It has impacted my health, given me anxiety, and it so from a very sick mind. I know how sick one’s mind has to be to do stuff like that.

I got plans for my neighbourhood yesterday. They want to turn the whole neighbourhood into a smaller Manhatten Island. I am sick to the stomach and everyone I know wants to move away.

I already want to for other reasons, but I’m not well enough to move. And my garden. I love it too much. I could not live in a flat. It would need a roof terrace or something for me to even consider it. But I can’t make a move. Coming here 15 years ago, it took me two years to recover.

I have contacted a local news station to come and do a story about how the planning office screwed me over and I’ve launched a campaign to get planning law changed.

I am so weary. I watered my garden at daybreak again, but dozed afterwards.

Someone tried to get into my Amazon account again. I haven’t used it since I bought a thank you gift for ex neighbours, one of whom spends time writing malicious letters about me.

So I gave it to Michael, but I’m sure it got chucked out. She even wanted to read our emails to each other. That comes from a very sick mind indeed.

And someone is using my Apple ID which I have never used . I keep getting emails about this. One just arrived.

And so it goes. I am enjoying the weather. My brain feels like it might belong to a goldfish. I forget everything within two seconds.

I wrote two articles about George Floyd and how Minneapolis should be a reckoning for the US. The executions of black people by shooting, by suffocation etc has to stop. Long ago it should have stopped.

The Statue Of Liberty should sink her knees weeping, and Monument Valley should crack and crumble. Darkness should cover the sun, and the moon should hide.

No image today, I’m too tired…

Yesterday I slept a great deal. I finally have no ache around my diaphragm area.

The weather is not great, so I haven’t been out and my plants need planting still. I feel a bit lazy, but feel tired.

Covid19 is my town. It feels strange to know there’s something out there that you can’t see. No idea who may be infected. I now make sure not to touch anyone and wash my hands a lot. I need to remember to clean my phone too.

I don’t know why I am so tired. I have slept badly for a while. I guess that’s why.

I haven’t much else to say. I write and try to eat and then I go to sleep.

Two days with insanity…

I am recovering well now after a nasty chest infection/pneumonia. I’m also feeling better after some insanity.

My ex was here for Christmas along with my daughter. He told me he would get me some groceries on Boxing Day. I phoned at around midday to say what I would like but he did not arrive. It was fairly ok, as I spent a long time napping and resting, and drank more milkshakes.

Today, I felt a bit hungry, so I sent a text to my ex. After a while I phoned. It gradually dawned on me that I was repeating a behaviour and expecting to get a different result. This is also known as insanity. So I phoned a friend who works near the High Street, and this led, in a roundabout way, to another friend offering to bring my groceries tomorrow as he and his family are out of town until the morning. It’s cool. I’ve eaten some cake and as my tummy has shrunk anyway, I’m not particularly hungry.

Why is my ex like this? I cannot explain. There are things I could say, but I know that there are some people who know him who read this, and it wouldn’t be fair. He is practicing a twelve step programme and failing miserably. And that causes misery to those who know him. And I should know better than to trust him, because what seems a good idea to him on one day may well be a very bad idea to him the next. This is what he has become, in one way or another, since we divorced. We used to be able to meet for a coffee. Not anymore.

Physically, I am much better to day than I was yesterday. My temperature has gone, my tummy has settled, and since arranging my groceries, I am now calm and cheerful. I will have a relatively early night. Yesterday evening, my body was achy and tired, but that has passed.

On Gratitude…

Today I had occasion to visit facebook, and in my notifications was a prompt to look at memories. I found this:

I am deeply grateful for my Dad. A gentle man who can mix which rich and poor and not be changed, who taught me manners and right from wrong, who has given me hours and days of laughter and hiking, who carried me when I was so near to death and wept for my suffering. A man who has stood for something all his life and taught me to stand and be counted. My Dad has my undying love and admiration. He is my only hero.
I am truly grateful for grace. Perhaps not everyone will understand. Grace has kept me strong, been a source of mercy and sustenance and will help me in the difficult times ahead. Grace has renewed me when I have reached the end of me, and made relationships endure.
I am grateful for my daughter Lara who is an amazing person. She is to me like a fragrance, refreshing and attractive in essence as well as looks. She has so many talents, is well loved by many and will go on to many more wonderful things. I feel such a feeling as her abilities far exceed my own in so many talents of sport, dance, charisma, hiking, leadership, choreography and pure presence. She has achieved more in her 16 years than some bother to try in a lifetime, despite some difficult circumstances that were beyond our control and my declining health. It’s a privilege to know her, let alone to be her mother.

This is still true today. My Dad is my plumb line in almost everything I do, the one difference is that he was in the S.A.S and I belong to CND and lots of other anti-weapon and anti-war movements. I’m so grateful he was my Dad.

Last night I had the most deep and recooperating sleep. I was dreadfully tired Wednesday and slept from 5:30pm to 8:30pm. Then I had difficulty getting to sleep later and did not sleep until after 8am.

Yesterday I got a second wind and popped out while the sun was shining. I ate good dinner and then scoffed a pack of brioche rolls. I went to bed at 9.30 and woke at just around 8am this morning. I felt great, and as the only appointment I had today was not until after lunch, I went back to sleep for a while.

My medicine always makes me very thirsty, so I keep two glasses of mango and apple cordial beside my bed, and as I work from my bedroom it keeps my thirst slaked all day.